In fact I treated him as a brother but I was pressurized conveniently to get into this marriage. I did this because of my parents as I heard the hadeeth about father's wishes being the same as Allah's wish.
During my coaching days (before getting married) a boy proposed to me, which I denied because I was aware of my parent's plans for an arranged marriage.
He was in love with me deeply. He tried to get me a lot but my morals saved me from indulging in haram relationships before marriage. I refused him flatly.
Secretly I have feelings for him. I never disclosed it to anyone. Not even to this boy.
After 10 years he came back again to offer for me, to this my heart melted like anything. After this long time he is again here for me.
During this period my marriage planning was starting. I didn't want to marry my cousin. As we are not compatible but no one bothered and they pressured me to get married. I accepted my fate thinking that Allah is giving me something better.
My husband is well qualified and highly ambitious but we are not compatible at all. We always fought before marriage. I don't feel attracted towards him but he likes me I guess, because he never denied this marriage from the very start. It's only me who doesn't want this marriage.
After a few years our fight grew but our parents still stuck to their decision. After marriage people live happily at least for a few years which never happened to me. We fought in the third month of our marriage for a silly thing but he apologized. He has anxiety disorder, he told me.
He speaks ill to me when angry ..even those words he doesn’t mean it. He would say things like, “ You have an ego. You have attitude and arrogance!” I said I won't stay with u. Then he feared and calmed down after a few hours he would apologize.
But my heart is broken into pieces when he disrespects me during his anger. Alhmdulillah I’m a practicing muslim may allah accept it Ameen. He is not that much practicing; he only prays on Fridays.
As I’m working we meet every 2 months for 10 days at least and we fight all that time. Now we are together due to lockdown. One month was good. We have no physical intimacy as he doesn’t want to rush in this thing. Which I find acceptable. I never stopped him for intimacy. It is his choice. And I respected him for this.
When we were together I tried to approach him again. We tried as it was our first time we didn't succeed. Now during this lockdown I'm with him but he did not try to get intimate with me. I didn’t either as I feel ashamed to ask for this. It should come naturally from him.
After a few days one night I found him masturbating lying next to me. I was shocked and confused. What should I do? Should I ask him or it will offend him?
After 3 days passed I thought of leaving that matter to Allah. We are staying with his parents this time. He misbehaved with me again. I left and thought about what I have done to him. My mother in law sent me to my husband again to ask the matter. I again tried for his mother's sake.
I requested him to please talk to me about what is bothering him. Finally he agreed to talk. I took him to the terrace to get some privacy. He started shouting at me. Afterwards I began reminiscing about the time when the first boy had approached me with kindness and love.
Is it my qadr to be unhappy in marriage? Or am I destined to lose the one who loved me so deeply. What should I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
It is important to understand that it takes quite some time to understand our spouse, after marriage – whether it’s an arranged marriage or a love marriage.
As for married life – it is definitely not smooth and everyone has their fair share of challenges in trying to make their married life happy and acceptable.
Communication is one of the building blocks in any relationship.
Compatibility is something that can be worked on.
A huge aspect of marriage is physical intimacy, as it fosters closeness and love between the spouses.
It may be helpful to seek professional help such as marriage counseling.
Assalamu alaikum sister,
It sounds as though you are going through a lot of mental tension and frustration in your married life.
You have mentioned some very core issues which you are facing in your marriage, and I will try to touch upon them all as best as I can.
First of all, it is important to understand that it takes quite some time to understand our spouse, after marriage – whether it’s an arranged marriage or a love marriage.
We often expect that everything will be rosy or just like a fairytale – however, this is not the case.
To make a relationship work requires lots of effort for both parties.
Acceptance
However the question on my mind is – have you really accepted your husband as your husband?
You have mentioned several times in the post that you married him only to please and obey your parent’s commands.
But it is evident that you have not been able to forget or let go of the memories of the person you loved.
While on one hand you say that you decided to give in to “Qadr” and married the person you were destined to marry – but one the other hand, you are deeply resenting marrying this person and not being with the person who you truly wanted to be with.
Therefore, I sense there is a lot of confusion in your mind.
It is normal to feel this way – especially since you were forced into this marriage, however it is also time where you need to decide which one of these two people do you want to let go of?
As for married life – it is definitely not smooth and everyone has their fair share of challenges in trying to make their married life happy and acceptable.
This is because two people who have grown up in different value systems and have different perspectives towards life – come together as one.
And there are times when you have to bend down in front of what is important to your spouse and vice versa – sometimes, your spouse should bend down to what is important to you.
Check out this counseling video:
Communication Is Essential
Communication is one of the building blocks in any relationship.
It seems that communication is blocked and hampered on both ends, in your relationship.
In a relationship – it is essential that you are both “with” and “along” each other rather than “against” each other.
It is important to be on the same page and have the same values and goals.
Instead of reacting impulsively when your husband says something listen to him quietly, and respond to his allegations when you are both calmer.
This will eventually lead to more peaceful communication.
It is also important to establish the things with him; which are most important to you in a relationship.
Similarly, ask him about the things which he wants from you as his wife.
This way – you can have something concrete to work towards – to make the marriage work.
What Does Compatibility Mean To You?
Compatibility is something that can be worked on. However, sometimes there’s a huge difference between a couple’s style of thinking and ways of living.
If this is the case – both of you need to determine which of the ways are you willing to reconstruct together as a couple.
Most couples need to make adjustments to their old ways of living when they start living together and start a family.
Therefore, both of you must be willing to make adjustments, in order to make the marriage to work.
Against common belief – it is natural for couples to fight. Fighting with your spouse does not mean that you are not compatible with them.
However, it is how you deal with fights that can make or break the relationship.
Fights can give you an important starting point to understand your spouse better and see what makes him tick.
You can use this knowledge to understand his behaviors, communicate about them when he is in a better mood and avoid fighting on that topic in future.
Physical Intimacy
A huge aspect of marriage is physical intimacy, as it fosters closeness and love between the spouses.
It is apparent from your post that the lack of intimacy is causing a rift between you and your husband.
You have also mentioned that it has been almost a year since you have been married.
So I recommend that you broach this subject with your husband – gently but firmly.
Ask him what stops him from sexual intimacy? Try to understand his perspective and at the same time making him understand that this is the ground on which any marriage stands.
Seeking Professional Help
It may be helpful to seek professional help such as marriage counseling.
You also mentioned in your post that your husband has an anxiety disorder.
It could also be the reason for so much conflict in your marriage.
Therefore, it is important that your husband seeks counseling for his anxiety, and anger management.
Try to be supportive of him if he agrees to seek treatment – as it can take some time for him to let go of his habitual patterns.
It would be best if you can take some couple’s counseling sessions together as well.
Spouses Are for Comfort
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from among yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this, there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think.” [30:21]
Allah SWT has indeed created spouses for our comfort rather than for continuous worry and dis-ease of the mind.
If at some point you start feeling as though the marriage is more toxic, than being a source of comfort or joy for you – know that it is your right to choose to opt out of the marriage.
Ask Allah for Help and Guidance
Allah Subhanahu Ta’ala is the one who is our Creator. He listens to and sees all our problems and worries.
Ask Him for help and guidance with regard to your marriage.
Put your trust in Him and He will make the way easy for you, InshaAllah.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/5-prophetic-steps-happy-marriage/
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/6-secrets-to-a-happy-marriage/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/love-marriage-comes-first/