Answer
Answer:
Wa ’Alaikum As-Salaam dear sister,
Online marriage arrangements are somewhat new, and unfortunately, most people who use the internet have not really had an opportunity to learn how to avoid some of the problems, or at least to prepare for such problems that may be unique to internet partnering.
It is wise to spend a lot of time in an appropriate manner and even wiser to have a family member or friend involved in your connection to help both parties explore compatibility. A lot of time should be spent meeting each other’s family members through Skype or some kind of video chat.
With that said, just because you met your partner on the internet and you skipped these “getting to know you” steps, that does not mean that you cannot have a successful marriage. Although we need to be prudent and careful and to follow some basic safety and relationship building tools that might be internet specific, it is possible to find a suitable life partner through this medium.
Your particular situation is stressful, and this is likely because you did not know what to explore while talking online. However, all is not lost. You have identified the major problem and so there is hope. This is really a great place to be even if you don’t feel happy right now.
With that said, I am wondering if you have moved to the States. Is it possible that you have experienced a lot of extreme changes in your life in a very quick amount of time? Is it possible that you are overwhelmed by having a new husband who is from a different culture, and whom you do not understand, living in a new culture, away from your family and friends, missing them, and being pregnant?
If you have moved to the USA from Singapore, I certainly would understand if you are very overwhelmed. With your cultural norm of being somewhat reserved, you probably do not know how to work through this as you do not have your usual support system. Your husband probably would like you to be able to express yourself and give him ways to support you. He may be feeling like a failure, and American men (and likely most men) very much want to believe that they are able to make their wives happy. Unfortunately, American men are not typically that good at verbalizing their own feelings and sense of confusion either.
You are just getting to know each other and you are just beginning to learn each other’s way of living and patterns of behaving.
It is very important to identify what each other truly needs and how those needs can be met.For this, you will need very specific information about observable actions that can be demonstrated to meet those needs.
To start this process, you can be the first to change. After you have been able to identify specific behaviors and approaches that you can offer to your husband, and he is feeling better, you will be in a better position to request specific behaviors and approaches from him so that you can feel that your needs are also met.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and you need someone to process your feelings with, perhaps you can Skype a family member or a friend for now. That might help you work through confusion and clear your mind, and also get in tune with what it is that you do need.
Also, let your husband know if you are experiencing culture shock or homesickness. This does not mean that you are necessarily planning to leave him. You can ask him to be understanding and let him know that this is a big adjustment for you and that it is normal for any woman who has just left her whole life behind and is entering a completely different way of life to feel insecure, frightened, and overwhelmed. Let him know you need his support and tell him specifically what he can do to give you that support.
Perhaps if you learn to express your emotions and put your own feelings to words, while identifying your own needs, this will not only help you to help your husband be more attentive and successful in meeting your needs, but you will also be a good model for him so that he can also learn how to communicate with you about his feelings and needs.
Take things one day at a time and please don’t so anything rash at this point. Put a lot of time thinking all of this through.
Finally, if at all possible, see if you can find couples counseling or both of you. Most couple’s counselors focus a lot on helping the couple develop communication skills. The counselor will also help you to identify what are your most pressing emotional, physical and spiritual needs and help you to find ways in which those needs can be met. Don’t give up just yet.
Remember Allah (swt) is with you so don’t forget to turn to Allah (swt) in times of depression, overwhelmed, and need.
Salaam,
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