It is corrupting my marriage and causing me intense emotional pain. I am now left traumatised. He has slipped up many times and eventfully admits to his mistake although at first he denies anything.
I can’t keep giving him chances. I'm fed up and heartbroken. I also have a small baby and this is impacting them as well.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- The ability of true forgiveness is closely linked to repentance.
- When you forgive, you do not have to disown your feelings. It is about acknowledging this pain AND choosing to work toward healing and repairing the relationship.
Assalamualaikum, sister,
Thank you for your question. You asked about forgiveness and how you can forgive your husband, who is looking at other women online, and is unable to lower his gaze. He initially denies it and then admits it, but there does not seem to be any real change. You are struggling with this, especially as you also have a newborn baby.
Forgive Your Husband
Sister, real and true forgiveness is closely linked to repentance. Repentance – tawbah – means that a person has realized that what they did was wrong or a mistake. This can be for many reasons: avoiding harm to oneself or others, protecting one’s spiritual commitment, or preserving the relationship.
With this realization comes commitment to make genuine efforts not to repeat the mistake, and seeking forgiveness from the person who was harmed.
So the commitment must also be accompanied by effort and a clear change in direction.
Allah speaks about this in multiple ayas in the Qur’an as well when discussing forgiveness.
As for those who repent, mend their ways, and let the truth be known, they are the ones to whom I will turn ˹in forgiveness˺, for I am the Accepter of Repentance, Most Merciful. (2:160)
If they repent and mend their ways, relieve them. Surely Allah is ever Accepting of Repentance, Most Merciful. (4:16)
…except those who repent afterwards and mend their ways, then surely Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (25:5)
Merely saying “I’m sorry” is usually not true repentance. True repentance involves realization, emotional remorse, and a sincere commitment to do things differently. The effort should be there.
I do not know whether this has happened in the case of your husband or not. However, if he is only saying sorry and does not take any steps to prevent this from happening again, it becomes very difficult to forgive.
You would need to see whether he has committed to real changes in behavior, actions, and attitude—for example, taking conscious steps such as closing certain social media accounts or avoiding platforms where he views such images.
Accept your feelings
Also, forgiveness does not mean forcing yourself to “unfeel” those feelings of hurt and pain this has been causing you. No, these feelings are valid, and understandable manifestations of your emotional wounds. When you forgive, you do not have to disown these feelings or suppress them. It is rather about acknowledging this pain AND choosing to work toward healing and repairing the relationship.
On the other hand, I would also like to draw your attention to the relationship between the two of you. Is it possible that there is a cycle of resentment between you that is preventing love and care from flowing in the relationship?
This cycle can lead to even more resentment over time. It may be beneficial to sit down with your husband and have an honest conversation. Tell him how this behavior makes you feel and how it affects you, even possibly impacting intimacy.
Seek mutual understanding
You can also ask him about his perspective and listen to his reasons. What makes it difficult for him to change? What draws him to these images? Is there something he needs, or something he is trying to communicate through this behavior? What would help him to commit to his promise?
Talking openly about these questions can help you understand each other better and find ways to support one another and grow closer.
If needed, you can also involve a counselor, especially if you feel that professional guidance would help improve communication and understanding between you. I hope this helps, and may Allah make it easy for you.