It hurts because I know that I wasn't this person and I don't know why I did that. He wanted to know everything. I was so ashamed and have forgotten what exactly happened. Now I think I've lied to him because I didn’t say some details. Sometimes, he is angry and he tells me that it is hard for him to know I was intimate with another person. How can we proceed so that he won’t be depressed anymore and forgets this thing? Can you help me how to behave/act? JazakhAllah.
In this counseling answer:
• Since Allah has covered a person’s sins, it is not anyone’s business to seek to lift Allah’s cover of confidentiality.
• Point out that if Allah has provided the provision for your forgiveness by Him the Almighty, why does he feel that he is in a position to place himself above the one who forgave you.
• I would also remind him that to keep asking you about it and to “condemn you for your past” is not Islamic as “Allah likes evil doings to be unknown and not to be revealed.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
First, congratulations on your marriage! This must be an exciting time in your life. I am sorry to hear of the issues surrounding your past and your fiancée wants to know everything. This is a difficult topic for many young couples as they get to know each other and plan ahead for marriage. While it is natural to want to know as much as you can about each other prior to marriage, there are some things that must not be disclosed according to some scholars.
Allah Has Covered Your Sins
While I am not an Islamic scholar, I do know that we all sin sister, and some sins are greater than others. However, when we sin and then truly repent to Allah and seek forgiveness, it is best to leave that sin in the past as Allah has covered it for us.
As regards the question whether one should disclose his/her past sins to the spouse, the answer is definitely no. Since Allah has covered a person’s sins, it is not anyone’s business to seek to lift Allah’s cover of confidentiality. Thus, it is unbecoming of anyone to probe into someone’s sinful past.”
Check out this counseling video:
In regards to a woman not revealing her sins prior to marriage that “Her concealing of the sins that she committed complies with the guidance of Shari`ah that a Muslim is not in need of revealing what they do of sinful actions. Allah likes evildoings to be unknown and not to be revealed.”
However, dear sister, as you have already disclosed your past to your fiancée, there is no going back. He asked (he really should not have) and you chose to answer to the best of your ability. Your feeling ashamed and not remembering everything and every last detail is common as you repented and put it in your past. You are not lying or trying to mislead him. You simply have moved on and did not dwell on your past mistakes. That is a good thing, sister.
Allah Has Forgiven You
I would suggest that you discuss this with him from an Islamic viewpoint and utilize the Qur’an and hadiths as evidenced above. You may also want to ask him if he is, indeed, sinless himself. Point out that if Allah has provided the provision for your forgiveness by Him the Almighty, why does he feel that he is in a position to place himself above the one who forgave you. While this may not remedy the situation immediately, it will give him something to think about in sha’ Allah.
After you have stated your position sister, I would ask him not to bring it up again as it has been concealed by Allah and to do so is causing harm. As you have already repented to Allah, there is no reason for you to carry on feeling guilty, shameful or unset.
We all have a past. Your fiancée should be thankful that he has a future wife who felt confident to confide in him. Sadly, he was not supportive. While his feelings as a man may be natural, he needs to rise above them (become more spiritual) and realize you are a new person now who has grown in her religion and is a pious Muslim. I would also remind him that to keep asking you about it and to “condemn you for your past” is not Islamic as “Allah likes evil doings to be unknown and not to be revealed.”
“O My Servants who have wronged their souls! Do not despair of Allah’s mercy. For Allah certainly forgives all sins.” (Az-Zumar: 53)
I would not bring it up after that sister. If he keeps wanting to rehash it, I would tell him you do not wish to discuss it, that you have repented, it is in the past, and that if he has issues still with it, tell him to take it to Allah. In sha’ Allah sister, he may get over it, but it may take time. Men’s dignity and ego can be fragile when it comes to things like this. I would be patient, but be firm in your stance that you are a pious and righteous Muslimah who loves him and wishes to move on with your future together.
We wish you the best sister. Please let us know how you are doing.
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