Last year I was engaged and was only few days away from having the kitab done when things ended.
I reflect on what happened and keep blaming myself. I keep saying that she had dodged a bullet (me) because of sins I struggle with.
After the engagement ended, my mental health tanked and I feel I haven't made progress.
Feel my connection with Allah was already weak and further damaged after.
I look at myself as someone damaged beyond repair.
This has made it hard for me to return to Allah, and to move forward.
I question if I ever would be able to move forward and find someone new. Biggest concern is bringing this pain into the next relationship.
I've had some tell me because it was the first "relationship" that it's hard, and maybe that you just need to find someone new. In a way I can see that. At times I just want to go back and talk with her to clear the confusions and try to apologize for any wrong I have done to her and her family. She says I didn't do anything but it was because of some expectations that I guess were not clear.
Either way, I feel that purely because of my very weak connection with Allah and sins I continuously try to stop, it's not a good idea.
How do I proceed?
Answer
Your engagement was broken in the last minute, and for this reason and others, you feel that you are someone damaged beyond repair.
These feelings can be normal, but you have to take the initiative to change and leave those things that put you down.
Some sins are worse than others, and some of them are easier to correct, while others, related, for example, to addictions, take more effort and willingness.
Whatever your case, know that Allah is the Most-Forgiving and it is never too late to turn to Him for forgiveness and guidance.
Try to believe in change and progress; it really can happen!
However, if you feel hopeless, you need to seek counseling and get an assessment for possible depression.
What else can I do? Check out the answer here.
Read more from Sr. Aisha:
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.