I'm married with 2 kids. I am married for 8 years now. I'm 28 and my husband is 31. It was an arranged marriage. We are very far from each other as my husband is very modern and I strictly follow Islam. Allhamdulilah, I have never been in any haram relationship before marriage, unlike my husband who had many girls in his life before marriage, which continued after marriage. He had physical relationship with them, too.
Our relationship worsened after our second kid was born. He and his mom torture me a lot mentally because there was only a small gap between our kids. He wanted me to abort my second child, which I didn't do, so he made me suffer a lot. I left everything to Allah, but things got worse and worse. It started affecting my health. I have got many problems including heart problems. He once gave me divorce, but then took me back. However, he is still not interested in me at all. Now, I feel I'm ruining my life being in this marriage with him.
Please advice me. Shall I initiate the divorce, because he said he would never ever divorce me. I feel I'm maid for him who works for free. His parents and his mother support him fully in everything. They always degrade me and try to make me feel depressed. I'm so depressed to the extent that I often feel like committing suicide. But I don’t because I know it's haraam and my kids also need me.
He circulated my personal pictures among his girlfriends. My family after knowing all this still wants me to be in this relationship forever. But I want to get divorced and find someone who loves me and completes my faith; with whom I can live a peaceful life and who helps me bring up my children. Please suggest me: shall I get divorced or go for another child? I don't love him at all, and I don’t feel anything for him anymore. I am with him just because I have to. JazakAllah khairan.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Make istikharah to Allah for direction.
Ask your husband to attend marriage counseling with you to try to save the marriage.
As Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
First, may Allah (swt) reward you for your piety and patience. You are a beautiful sister who deserves to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. Your relationship is an abusive one that goes against the principles of Islam and humanity in general. You were not created to be mentally tortured or degraded. Allah (swt) loves you, dear sister.
While we go through tests and trials in this life, staying in an abusive relationship is a choice. My suggestion to you would be to ask your husband to attend marriage counseling with you to try to save the marriage.
Additionally, your husband’s job is to protect you from harm. He should never allow his family to abuse you; however, as he is emotionally and mentally abusive himself, he obviously sees no wrong in his family abusing you, too.
You deserve to be happy, to live in peace, to be surrounded by loving people, and to have a kind, compassionate loving husband.
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Your husband has had haram relationships before your marriage and during your marriage. It appears that along with these sins, the sin of abusing his wife does not affect him either. Unless he is ready to do some serious introspection, repenting to Allah (swt), and living a pious life, as well as getting counseling, I would suggest, dear sister, that you consider separating from him – or even divorce him as last option.
Make istikharah to Allah (swt) for direction; make sure you are safe at all times in your steps towards creating a more happier life. No one has the right to force you to abort your child, to torture you mentally or physically, nor make your life a living hell. That is un-Islamic. You are a pious, intelligent, beautiful sister and a wonderful mom who deserves to live in peace, joy, and free from abuse.
Please do see a counselor in your area for help with your depression and for a supportive resource should you decide to divorce. Marriage in Islam was created as a comfort, as a loving, compassionate union. However, it takes two to ensure this is maintained.
You are in our prayers dear sister. Please let us know how you are doing.
Salam,
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