As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
It can be very difficult living with someone who has mood swings like this and very often the other person begins to blame themselves and feel responsible for the negative attitude that is held towards them. It can be especially difficult when you feel like you are doing all you can to support them in overcoming their difficulties, but they do not disclose to you what that issue is. Frequently, men often do have a harder time than women in expressing their emotions.
From what you say, it would seem that this is a general problem he is facing rather than something that is directed directly towards you. His consistent and unpredictable mood swings may be due to difficulties he has been experiencing at work. Perhaps, those days when he comes back more cold than usual he has had a bad time at work, and on the better days, maybe he had no issues.
You say that he lost his mother a year ago. It’s important to understand that people have very different ways of grieving. Given that it seems he is a man that does like to talk much about his emotions, understand that he may still be going through the processes of grief. If you have ever experienced grief yourself, then you will understand how this might lead people to feel withdrawn. In some people, this experience continues for longer than with others.
Regarding feeling like there is no love in your relationship, firstly, in a new marriage the love is always fresh. But in time, as the couple gets used to each other, they might feel less need to show love at this level as the love is already developed, and there is a mutual understanding of love for each other without having to be so overt about it.
Maybe your husband feels that it’s not necessary to show it in the same way as he once did, not because he loves you any less, but that he thinks you know that he does already. Additionally, he is clearly feeling stressed at work and, therefore, if he has many bad days at work, he’s not really going to be in much of a mood to be showing love and affection. Stress in the work place may be the source of his anxiety and panic attacks, too, on top of the potential grief he also still experience.
Living in the West, it is important to mix with the locals, but it’s also important to mix with the few brothers and sisters that are close by, too. This will serve to strengthen ties in the Ummah. Maybe, you might want to invite someone you are close to to come for dinner with her husband at your place. This way, your husband will be in a comfortable environment to mix with another brother. This type of situation can make social interaction more comfortable rather than being in a big group of people, in a familiar environment where he feels most comfortable. It will also provide him with a healthy distraction from the stressful relations he is frequently having at work.
It is probably difficult for you to cope with the change in moods and feeling a bit unloved, so be sure to also take care of yourself by eating well and exercising well. Meet friends and take time to relax, too. This will put you in a more healthy mindset to manage his moods and support him in going through them. It might not feel like he appreciates your support right now, but in time as he overcomes his anxieties, in sha’ Allah, he will be in a more comfortable position to show his appreciation. This is something that will require your patience and prayers.
Continue to ask Allah (swt) to help your husband and encourage him to do the same for himself, and reassure him that Allah (swt) will help him in overcoming the tests he is going through right now. Continue to remain calm and comforted in the knowledge that Allah (swt) will come to your husband’s aid soon and there will be relief. If he seems reluctant, then just continue to be a good example to him and support him whilst taking care of yourself, too.
May Allah (swt) bring you comfort in His remembrance. May He (swt) help your husband get through his own difficulties, and may He (swt) strengthen the bond between you both.
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