I am ashamed to be writing this, but last year I really struggled with my faith and was in a very low place with depression. I fell deeply in love with a Muslim man and as a result, we now have a beautiful sweet baby boy together.
I have asked Allah for forgiveness. We didn’t speak at all during my pregnancy. During this time I found out he’s got engaged to his ex. He has recently come back into our lives saying he loves me and wants to marry me too possibly as a second wife but feels confused about the other woman.
She has told him not to see our son, which I’m very upset about. I am desperate to raise our son in a secure, loving Islamic home and move on from this as a family. I feel that the best thing for my deen would be for me to get married as I do not have any Muslim family. I struggle, I have no wali to act on my behalf and we are currently meeting outside in a public place for his contact with our son. I am devastated that he has done this engagement and feel like it’s a big mistake.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
To keep focused on Islamic principles and on Allah, I kindly suggest sister that you increase your prayers, dhkir, reading of the Qur’an, as well as attending the Masjid for prayers.
Why would you want to marry somebody who left you when you were pregnant and proposed to someone else?
Sister, I realize that you want to get married because you feel it is best for your religion, and you are right! However, for it to be best for your deen, it must be the right person.
If you are seriously wanting to marry this man, you may wish to have the imam talk with you and your son’s father to assess his intentions as a possible husband, and to discuss his future wife’s feelings and objections.
I kindly suggest pre-marital sessions as well.
By forming a close network of support, love, and lifelong friendships in sha Allah you will continue to increase your iman.
Make istikara.
As salamu alaykum sister,
I am sorry to hear of all the issues that are going on right now. I can imagine you feel very betrayed by your child’s father leaving you and then proposing to someone else. He has now re-appeared wanting to marry. I know this cannot be easy, but insha’Allah it can be worked out in a way that is beneficial to all.
Struggles with Faith
My dearest sister, perhaps it is because of your struggles with your iman that you found yourself weak thus committing zina. You stated it was due to depression and I am wondering if you addressed the depression, or are you still depressed?
I understand you feel that you fell deeply in love with this man; however, things can be deceiving as you can now see.
As stated you, repented to Allah. I must ask you, however, what other things are you doing to build your relationship with Allah and increase your faith? It is at times when our iman is weak that we are most susceptible to doing things we normally would not.
In sha Allah, you will continue to remain close to Allah and trust in Him when you make decisions. To keep focused on Islamic principles and on Allah, I kindly suggest sister that you increase your prayers, dhkir, reading of the Qur’an, as well as attending the Masjid for prayers. Insha’Allah, reach out to the sisters at the Masjid for friendships, encouragement, strength, and love.
Father of Baby Left
As indicated, the father of your baby left you when you were pregnant. Perhaps his leaving was already agreed upon between the two of you for the sake of keeping things halal after repentance, but nonetheless, he was not involved in the pregnancy.
Additionally, during this time, he proposed to his ex. I can imagine this hurt you so much, left you confused (if no agreement), as well as caused a difficult time of struggling alone. You did not deserve this sister as you both made your beautiful son.
A Return
Strangely, you are a child’s father who has recently come back into your life saying he loves you and wants to marry you. You stated that you feel confused and rightly so.
Why would a man who left you and proposed to somebody else circle back around and want to marry you now? Perhaps it is that he sincerely repented, is closer to Allah, trying to live an Islamic life, and do the right thing. Only Allah knows.
Sister, do you see any changes in his lifestyle, his attitudes, his deen? Insha’Allah it may be something you would want to discuss with him regardless if you chose to marry as he will probably be in your son’s life.
Examining the Situation
Sister, in sha Allah please look at the situation from an unbiased perspective. You and this man who is also Muslim had sex before marriage. You were in love with him, and I assume he claimed his love for you as well.
However, when you got pregnant he left and proposed to his ex. Sister, my question to you is: why would you want to marry somebody who left you when you were pregnant and proposed to someone else?
While a mistake was made and you both committed zina, the fact is a beautiful baby was born of this union. The honorable thing for him to do at the time he found out you were pregnant would have been to marry you, especially if he loved you.
Insha’Allah sister, please think deeply about your future with a man who would leave a pregnant woman and child.
Family Dynamics
In regards to the woman that he will be marrying, as I understand from your question she has told him not to see your son. That is not Islamic. Can you imagine what it would be like if you did actually marry him?
It could be that she would make your life hell and your child’s. If you were to marry him, his future wife could make things very miserable. Is this really what you want for yourself and your son?
Looking at the Future and Current Options
Sister, I realize that you want to get married because you feel it is best for your religion, and you are right! However, for it to be best for your deen, it must be the right person.
You indicated that you do not have any Muslim family. You also stated that you do not have a Wali to act on your behalf. I kindly suggest in sha Allah that if you are not doing so already, you find your Muslim Community home in the mosque. Speak with the imam there and see if he can act as your Wali.
If you are seriously wanting to marry this man, you may wish to have the imam talk with you and your son’s father to assess his intentions as a possible husband, and to discuss his future wife’s feelings and objections. If the imam is your wali, he must act and assess based on your best interests.
I kindly suggest pre-marital classes as well.
Lastly, there would have to be some sort of intervention concerning his future wife as she does not even want him to see his son. It could be that once you look at the situation from an Islamic perspective, you may find you desire an Islamic family foundation that does not have the predisposition to the negative interferences that you are already experiencing from your son’s father’s future wife.
Sister Supports
Sister, you may want to begin to make friends with the sisters at the masjid if you have not already. By forming a close network of support, love, and lifelong friendships in sha Allah you will continue to increase your iman. Our sisters are often our greatest source of comfort and strength.
Conclusion
In creating a life for you and your son, you may wish to think about his father and how his father has treated you and him thus far.
I kindly suggest that you really think hard about your choices regarding marriage to him. In sha Allah, once you get integrated into the community again, you may feel a sense of belonging and in sha Allah you will meet a future spouse who will truly treat you in an Islamic way.
As you do love Allah very much and you do want a loving Islamic home, please do speak with an imam (who is your wali) regarding the situation, take some time to become acclimated into your Islamic community, assess the situation, and ask yourself-is this (marriage to your son’s father) what you truly want?
Importantly sister, Insha’Allah make istakharrah prayer.
We wish you the best.
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