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Deep Hatred to Sudden Love for My Husband; Why?

19 December, 2016
Q As-Salam `Alaikum. I need to know more about black magic, how to know if it has been done to you, and what to do about it.I live in Morocco; my husband has a small store selling used mobile phones. He is a good man, but he can loose his temper quickly; therefore, he fights with people frequently. People who are close to him, especially his mother, say there are too many bad eyes on him because his store is busy, and he makes a good living, Alhamdulillah, so people are jealous.We moved to Morocco about 6 years ago and have been married for almost 20 years. In the second year of our marriage, I developped strong hatred for my husband. I was happy when he left the home, and I became depressed when he returned. I hated everything about him; I hated to be close to him or talk to him. I hated even his smell.I can't remember exactly how it started. I converted to Islam so I didn't have any family or close friend I could talk to about this issue. In addition, I was afraid to talk to my husband as he gets angry easily. I used to pray to Allah to send me enough money to be independent so I could leave my husband because I could not stand him. To leave him was my only solution. I also kept getting sick with flu and cold, I could not sleep, and I became depressed.After 5 years of living in Morocco, my husband came to me and said he wanted to leave Morocco and return to the UK. He said he was losing his faith; he wasn't praying anymore and dunya was taking over him. This was true. Also, we had a lot of trouble with our son. He has ADHD, and we could not find a school for him. He was not attending school. He was 14 years at the time. So, my husband thought UK would be better for the family.We moved, but he was travelling back and forth between the two countries. After a few years, we decided to return to Morocco. My husband came first, and I followed him with the 4 children. SubhanAllah, then a few days after arriving, I felt like something was lifted from me. Just like that, I felt so happy and so excited about my future with my husband. I felt so much love for him. I felt like a teenager in love. I just wanted to be with him and love him. I loved everything about him. Everything I had previously hated I loved deeply. I was looking forward to our future together. I felt light hearted. I was asking myself why I hated my husband before; I couldn't understand it. It seemed impossible that I had had such feelings for him. I kept going over it in my mind, but I couldn't understand why I felt like that. To this day, I do not understand how my feelings of hatred turned to feelings of deep love basically in a day. My husband was happy too with me. He loved me.We were happy for about 3 months. Then, I can remember the night, it was like something came over me. I still loved my husband deeply, but I suddenly felt I was not good enough. I started not trusting him without any good reason; I have become convinced that he did not love me and that there was someone better for him. It has been 7 months now, and I still have these feelings even though my husband tells me he loves me. Logically, I know this, and I know I have no reason to worry. But I can't get these things out of my head. I constantly feel anxious; my stomach burns, my heart aches, I can't sleep, and I lost apetite. I love my husband so much, but I constantly have these thoughts and feelings that I must leave him. Please help.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum,

Thank you for your question. For starters, I am a social worker so I do not know where you can get answers with respect to black magic. I will try, however, to answer your question from a clinical perspective.

Although, from an Islamic perspective, we do believe in black magic, I have found that many people are quick to resort to external sources for their problems (i.e. black magic) rather than to look at themselves and seek out the source of the problem. Locating the source of the problem is the first step to find a solution.

It is easier to avoid looking at ourselves and blame others for our problems because it alleviates the difficult emotions that accompany these kinds of realizations. For example, you mention that your husband’s mother feels that “there are many bad eyes on him”. Of course, his mother thinks this; all mothers think their children are successful and worth other people’s envy. There are many successful people in the world; do they all have “bad eyes on them”?

Alternate Reasons for Hatred

You state clearly that your husband is quick to anger even to the point where you, his wife, was too scared to bring up your emotional vulnerability with him. In many circles, this may be termed as an unhealthy relationship although I do not like to be quick making that kind of statement.

You speak of your feelings of dislike towards your husband while you were in Morocco. You also give details of being a convert, being new to Morocco, and having a son with ADHD. These factors alone (assuming that there are many more details left out here) are sufficient reasons for a person to show unhappiness, stress, and potential dislike towards the person they deem responsible for their circumstances.

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You obviously moved to Morocco for your husband; you may have been, perhaps even subconsciously, blaming him for your misery. It would be good to look at this possibility rather than being quick to feel that it is some external, evil cause.

You then speak of returning to the UK, but having a husband who was traveling a lot. This can also be a major point of contention between spouses. In addition to having a child with ADHD (children with this diagnosis can be especially difficult for their parents) and having 3 more children, it could not have been an easy time for you.

Perhaps, you resented your husband on some level for being away, not helping out with the running of the household, and not being a present dad. I do not know the answer to these questions, I just present them as alternate reasons for your stated hatred at this time.

Sudden Love 

When you moved to Morocco again, you speak of a sudden love for your husband. This may also be due to other reasons. After years of not being around your husband consistently, now you get to see him and have a more stable family life. Do you have added house help in Morocco that, perhaps, takes the stress out of daily chores? Are your children older and thus less physically demanding?

Low Self-Esteem

Also, the latest feelings you describe sound more like low self-esteem or potential anxiety related concerns. Have there been any developments that would lead to a changed self perception for you (i.e. having 4 kids and not feeling young/sexy anymore)? The symptoms you explain could be results of anxiety and/or stress. Are there any other health concerns that need to be discussed with a physician?

Mental Therapy and Marriage Counseling

In addition to alternate ways of looking into your problem, there are also potential mental health concerns you may want to talk to a psychiatrist about. I am not suggesting that you have any kind of mental health problem; however, many times when there are sudden/extreme mood changes, it can be a good reason to talk to a mental health professional.

Lastly, you seem to have gone through many transitions in your life with your husband. Perhaps seeking out a good marriage counselor is a good option.

May Allah help you,

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