What happens sometimes I get depressed looking at my Muslim Friends mingling with other Muslims and non-Muslims friends.I start thinking that is there any women out there who fill in the criteria i have set?
Let's be honest, everyone has certain criteria to look into for their spouse. Sometimes I think about how to cope if I get a non-virgin wife? I absolutely get crushed by this thought and get lost,like I stayed true to ahkaams but then fate has different things to offer. We have to accept fate too.then why did i choose to be clean? For Jannah yes, but I am a human too! My sadness turns into anger etc.
I also have trust issues like i can't stop thinking if my wife is cheating on me. Am I a psychopath or something ?
Salam Alaikum Brother,
Thank you for writing to us. You have raised very interesting and important questions, and I sincerely hope I can give you some peace with my answers.
“Are there any women out there who fit the criteria I have set?” Certainly there are. In other words, there are literally all types of men and women “out there”, and alhamdulillah you can search almost everywhere, as in the online world, distance is not an obstacle anymore.
Virginity: Shame or Pride?
Mashallah brother, you wrote that you have firmly decided to stay a virgin until marriage and you want a spouse like this. I sincerely commend you for your strong belief in wanting to follow the criteria Allah has taught us in the Quran. It is an exceptionally hard one, I believe, for young people today as the non-Muslim world is going in the completely opposite direction. Today, it is often considered shameful not to lose one’s virginity until marriage. People even can be bullied for this.
However, I have read many non-Muslim marriage counselors’ opinions on sex before marriage, and they often recommend it not for religious reasons but so that the couple can stay focused on matters that will matter the most in the long term in a marriage. Giving into desires too soon will just strengthen the “pinky glass” effect and take away your chance to talk objectively about issues that actually decide whether the couple really matches and will stay for a long time or not.
There are many studies, but let me offer you one to read: “Researchers found that those who wait to have sex until marriage, compared to those who don’t, report significantly higher relationship satisfaction (20%), better communication patterns (12%), less consideration of divorce (22%), and BETTER sexual quality (15%)“
So be sure, brother, there is always a good reason for Allah’s boundaries.
Following the Criteria Set by Allah
And because it is the criteria of Allah as well, you are on the right path. So if this feels right to you, I would highly recommend you never sacrifice this value for the sake of anyone, specially because we Muslims only have to “impress” Allah and no one else. I am really proud of your decision and you should be too. It takes courage to go against the majority, but Allah said in the Quran:
“Or do you think that you will enter Paradise before Allah tests those of you who fought (in His Cause) and (also) tests those who are As-Sabirun (the patient)? [3: 142)].”
This is your test now: you will be average and give in to peer pressure and your desires, or you will stay firm with your values and earn, inshallah the reward of Allah. Look at it this way, and you will feel sad for those friends who were weak and had sex before marriage. Make dua for them that they become strong again soon in their faith and repent.
Your Core Values
When it comes to choosing your spouse, and you feel you really cannot marry a non-virgin, then I would also recommend you keep this criteria. Staying true to yourself will help you find the spouse that matches you.
People sometimes do not really know who they are and what they want in life. They say they do, but without getting into the depth of the issues, they stay on the surface.
However, when we can list those 3-5 core values we cannot imagine living without, then we can get an idea of what we really want and need. So I encourage you, brother, to list these criteria: How do you imagine your marriage? What are the 3-5 points your future spouse must have?
I would not feel anxious about not finding a match. Insha Allah, if you know who you are looking for, and you make sincere dua, and you actively search and do your part (ask in the mosque, let all the people know you are looking for a spouse, etc.), Allah will grant you the spouse at the right time.
Resolving Trust Issues First
You also mentioned you have trust issues: “I also have trust issues like I can’t stop thinking if my wife is cheating on me.” This thought of non-virginity you mentioned is surely something I highly recommend you work on – even maybe with a therapist in one-on-one therapy. You are definitely not a psychopath; there are so many people who think the same way, so many whose trust issues affect them in one way or another now in their adulthood. I cannot help you more at this moment because I do not know your background, but I encourage you to do it.
What you should keep in mind is that you should not enter a marriage with trust issues and fears that your wife will cheat on you because it can cause much conflict and difficulties in your marriage that could have been avoided by working on this issue.before.
I emphasize this in particular because what if you find a woman who matches you in personality and future goals, but she is a convert who had boyfriends before. As you might now, when someone becomes a Muslim, she is like a new born baby – sinless. Even better than you who have been a Muslim for years and probably have committed some sins already, may Allah forbid. Or you meet a Muslim lady who made a mistakes but repented to Allah sincerely. Would it be fair to reject someone truly amazing due to a past sin?
“By Him in whose hand is my soul, if you did not sin, Allah would replace you with people who would sin and they would seek forgiveness from Allah and He would forgive them.” Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2749,
Also, there is no guarantee that you marry a physically virgin lady who will not harm you. I would rather look at her character, her values, and whether her personality and life goals match mine. This is rather a sign of loyalty than simply whether she has experienced sexual intercourse before or not.
If you worry that you would not be “good enough” because she has experienced this before and you have not, then let me assure you that this is never going to be the case because women’s sexuality is different from men’s. Try to read about how female sexuality works. Also, “being good in bed” is a myth; again, western culture often represents a very fake picture of sexuality that causes trouble in marriages.
Sex is about bonding. If you are good to your wife, it is basically a guarantee of her loyalty. As long as you keep an open, honest relationship with your spouse, there is really nothing you need to worry about.
I also recommend you make dua to Allah; you bring all your fears and issues to Him, and He is the only one who can truly help you.