Abusive Husband Wants Me Only for Sex

31 March, 2020
Q Assalamu Aleikom. I’ve been married for 7 years. My husband does not show any interest in me. He treats me as if I was invisible. When I nag him about this, he swears at me a lot. He even does this in front of my elder daughter who is from my previous marriage.

Other than the verbal abuse, he also hits me often. My parents tell me to have patience. I’m also worried about my younger daughter who is very attached to her father.

I feel like he has used me for getting a visa. All his attention, effort and money is directed toward his family, his brothers and sisters. He only pays for the house mortgage, everything else is on me. He claims that I get children’s money so he should not pay me.

He ridicules me and tell me that I would not find anyone else other than him because I’m a divorcee. My body has started to show physical signs of the stress he puts me through. The way he treats us makes my daughters cry often. I pray to Allah that He changes my husband. However, he mistreats me every single day.

He comes back from work at midnight when we are all already sleeping. He gets up at around 2 pm when I’m out at work. We don’t spend any time together neither do we go out alone. He only wants to be intimate with me but I have refused twice. I don’t feel loved and respected at all. He doesn’t talk to me or spend any time with me.

In fact, he often tells me that he hates me and wants me gone. I tried to soften his heart by telling him that I’m his wife and I’d like him to show love and affection toward me. However, he ignores me, snaps at me, or smacks me for it.

I am very tired to be in this relationship with him. I want to do something about it. My only fear is how I will face the community if I divorce again. I’m also concerned how I will be able to raise my children alone. Please give me some advice.

Answer


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I kindly advise you to seek out domestic violence counseling through either a hotline or go to a counselor in your area immediately.

Sister, please do reach out to other family members or friends who may be more sensible and sympathetic to your situation to see if they can assist you.

Please insha’Allah think of your children as you make your decision.

Stay close to Allah through prayer and supplication, asking Him to help you, grant you safety and ease.


As salamu alaykum Sister,

I am so sorry Sister to hear that your husband has been physically, emotionally, and mentally abusing you.

I can imagine dear Sister that you are very hurt and traumatized. For the past seven years, you have been putting up with horrific behavior. You stated that your husband hits you a lot and even does this in front of one of your daughters.

Abusive Husband

You have tried to talk to your parents but they only tell you to have patience. My dear Sister, your parents are wrong. You are in an abusive relationship, and it is a very dangerous one at that.

I kindly advise you to seek out domestic violence counseling through either a hotline or go to a counselor in your area immediately. If you do reach out to them, please erase any tracks you may leave on the computer, phone, etc.

I kindly advise you insha’Allah to do this as soon as possible before something worse happens.

Abusive Husband Wants Me Only for Sex - About Islam

I have no idea why your parents told you to be patient. That is very worrisome as you are their daughter and you were being hit and abused. However, this is often a cultural phenomenon and some people accept it.

Abuse is Haram in Islam

Domestic violence is haram and despicable in the eyes of Allah. Husbands are to treat their wives with kindness, love, mercy, and respect. Our perfect example is our beloved Prophet (PBUH) who was the best of husbands.

As your husband wanted to marry you for visa and now feels like he can treat you horridly, he has to face Allah for his horrific, un-Islamic behaviors.

Your husband is a user, backbiter, oppressor and abuser. In addition to harming you, he is harming your innocent children. For more information on domestic violence please see this and this.

Reaching Out

Sister, please do reach out to other family members or friends who may be more sensible and sympathetic to your situation to see if they can assist you. Contact the counselors on the domestic violence hotline.  Go to a community center where there is counseling. There are options and resources for you.

There is a way out, just do it safely.  Allah did not create you to be hit, abused, ignored, or mistreated. You are precious in the sight of Allah and He loves you.


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Your husband will be held accountable to Allah on Judgement Day, or even before by the laws of your country for his treatment of you. If you ever are in fear, please do call the authorities immediately.

Protecting the Children

Sister, you have an obligation to protect not only yourself in this life, but to also protect your children.

They are young and will be traumatized by the abuse they see. They may develop mental health issues, fears or may even expect and accept being abused by a future husband when they grow up. I am sure this is not what you want.

Furthermore, it is possible that you may get your children taken from you in your country if they are exposed to violence/abuse and you do nothing to get them away from the situation. Please insha’Allah think of your children as you make your decision.

Concerned about What Community Will Think

Sister, you mentioned your fear of how to face the community again and what you would do to raise your children alone. You last concern should be what the community thinks or how you can face them.

If they are a solid community and one that loves and fears Allah, they will have loving, non-judgmental support and services to offer you. Even if it is just a smile or a hug of compassion. They will be there to support you and condemn your husbands’ actions of oppression and abuse.

If they do not do this, they are not worth thinking about as Allah says we are to protect one another from harm and oppression. If they do not, they are at fault as well.

As far as raising your children, there are social services that can help until you get established. Trust in Allah to make a way. Allah is most merciful and helps us in our time of need. Allah will never leave you, Sister.

Conclusion

Sister, it sounds as if you are ready to leave and seek a better life for yourself and your children. Please do so carefully so he does not find out. This could ignite further violence from him. If there is no one in your family or friend circle that can help, seek out a counselor, social services and domestic violence hotline for assistance.

There are resources available Sister, it will just take you making the first step. I know it may feel scary, but it’s even more frightening to think of what could happen if you stayed.

Besides, who wants to live like that? You deserve so much better. You do not deserve to be abused. It is not your fault. Sadly and tragically, domestic violence is a worldwide problem. You are not alone.

Insha’Allah take the first step by reaching out for assistance in leaving. The rest will follow insha’Allah. Once you get resettled in a new home, you and your children will need counseling to continue on your healing path.

Stay close to Allah through prayer and supplication, asking Him to help you, grant you safety and ease.

We wish you the best.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.