Lonely Marriage: Husband Doesn’t Spend Time with Me

15 October, 2020
Q Assalam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

My husband comes home from work daily from 1:30 – 3:30 am for almost a year now. His work ends by 11 pm if he works overtime. When I ask him about it he gets angry. He said he is happy outside with whomsoever he is with.

I’m also working as his business is not doing good and he has another family with 4 kids. I make sure that I prepare his things and breakfast before I leave home and usually cook dinner for us daily but no chance to eat with him as he comes home very late and ends up not eating what I cooked for dinner.

We don’t have any other problems. I get disturbed every time he comes home late as he makes a lot of noise talking on the phone and he loves to watch t.v before going to sleep. I need to wake up as early as 5:30 am to get ready for work.

I am regularly attending Islamic classes every Friday since I reverted to Islam 10 years ago. I am pregnant now and I can’t do TALAQ though I tried to ask for it before my pregnancy but he is not willing to leave me. I’m planning to ignore him and not to do all my wifely duties like preparing food and things for him.

He has been very dependent on me since we got married. It might let him realize how he is treating me. But I’m afraid Allah will punish me in a day of judgement if I do so. Please give me some advice.

Answer


In this counseling session:

  • His attitude towards you is not acceptable, but a more sensible first action before behaving in a way that may have unpredictable outcomes would be to seek reconciliation through talking. Either at home, just the 2 of you, or else through counselling with a third-party present to mediate.
  • Another option might be to request to go and stay with family for a short while, or even just for the weekend to get some space away from the situation that is causing you distress. 
  • It may also be that you both need to do something new and refreshing together to renew the spark again. 
  • Take up a hobby, new or old, visit new places, spend time with friends and family, go for a walk, read a book, learn something new and reach new goals.

Assalamalikum,

This sounds like a very terrible situation for you to be in as a wife, pregnant and who attends to her husband’s needs, yet he seems to give little back, or even be bothered about the fact that he is not. At the same time, he is unwilling to let you go also so you are stuck in an unhappy marriage. 

Neglect duties

I understand that you feel that if you neglect all your duties it might annoy him enough to either pay attention or seek divorce, but I would advise you to seek Scholarly advice related to the Islamic perspective on the matter to be sure of its permissibility as well as the potential consequences Islamically. 

Lonely Marriage: Husband Doesn't Spend Time with Me - About Islam

Aside from whatever the ruling is on this Islamically, do also consider the consequences of these actions. It may end up with more severe consequences than you might otherwise face by continuing as is right now.

His attitude towards you is not acceptable, but a more sensible first action before behaving in a way that may have unpredictable outcomes would be to seek reconciliation through talking, either at home, just the 2 of you, or else through counselling with a third-party present to mediate. Either way, it may be that he doesn’t realize just how much his behavior is hurting you and he needs for you to make it very clear to him. 

Time away

Another option might be to request to go and stay with family for a short while, or even just for the weekend to get some space away from the situation that is causing you distress. This would also give him the chance to appreciate you as he comes to realize what life is like without you and just how much you do for him.

Sometimes it takes for something to be taken away from us to realize how much it means to us. Perhaps this is the type of wakeup call he needs to realize this. 


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Re spark

It may also be that you both need to do something new and refreshing together to renew the spark again. Perhaps you could initiate something new and different that you could do together outside of the house so open up that chance to strengthen the bond.

This kind of thing would be good for you both as individuals as well as a means to boost relations between you and give you both something new to look forward to. 

Care for self

Aside from looking into these things as a means to improve things with your husband, do also make sure to not lose sight of yourself. It’s easy to get so caught up in things like this that we forget to also concentrate on ourselves and this only makes the situation worse.

Do things that make you feel good with or without him. Take up a hobby, new or old, visit new places, spend time with friends and family, go for a walk, read a book, learn something new and reach new goals.

Conclusion

These are things that will help to boost your self-esteem at a time when it’s probably a bit low as a result of what’s going on. This will also make it easier for you to face your situation with more confidence in yourself and ability to manage difficulties. This will also ensure that your baby is kept safe in your tummy and not exposed to stress in the womb. 

May Allah ease the difficulties in your relationship and guide you to do what is best for you and most pleasing to Him. May He grant you a safe delivery and a child that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next. 

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)