Before I ask my question, I would l like to provide a bit of information on me and my possible future husband.
I am a divorced mother of 3, Christian revert to Islam of almost 2 years. I lost everyone in my family except my mother when I reverted to Islam.
He is a bachelor of 26 years of age, Hindu revert to Islam of a little more than 4 years.
His family does not know he has reverted as they had already disowned one of his cousins for reverting to Islam.
He wishes to marry me, and I wish to marry him. We are in beginning talks, and it came up that would I be okay with him not telling his parents about me.
(They are already on him about not practicing Hinduism, and they have no idea he reverted). When he mentioned this, I will be honest, it saddened me so much. I told him that.
I also requested time to get an answer from someone. He agreed and said '"take your time" and that he will respect my decision whatever it may be.
He will not just be hiding the fact that he married a Muslim woman, but he will be hiding the fact that he married at all. What do you recommend in this case? Jazaki Allahu khairan.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
The Prophet (saw) never kept any of his marriages a secret and he (PBUH) also stressed the importance that marriage be made public knowledge.
One of the foundations of marriage is to make Allah (swt) the center of our marriage.
I would kindly suggest sister that you first speak with him about telling his parents that he is Muslim.
On the other side, you can do the marriage by making it public to all but his parents.
Please make du’aa’, make Istakharah prayer and think very carefully before agreeing to something like this.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
First of all, thank you for writing to us with your most important question.
I am sad to hear that you lost everyone in your family except your mom, but in sha’ Allah they will come around and accept that you are Muslim.
Given your experiences with your own family, it is easy to see how you can relate to your fiancée’s situation with his family.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you both. However, with marriage, it is different.
Conditions
First of all, there are certain conditions which must be met to make a marriage valid in Islam.
At a minimum, the requirements are consent of the woman and her guardian (as long as the guardian is not withholding permission due to un-Islamic reasons), presences of witnesses, offering and acceptance and mahr.
The Prophet (saw) never kept any of his marriages a secret and he (saw) also stressed the importance that marriage be made public knowledge.
With that said, as we strive to follow the sunnah of our beloved Prophet (saw), it would be important to want to begin our marriages in the way the Prophet Mohammad (saw) did.
Marriage
Marriage is a very sacred oath not to be taken lightly, sister.
In this, I mean that when we take an oath before Allah (swt), say a marriage oath, it is serious.
One of the foundations of marriage is to make Allah (swt) the center of our marriage.
As in all affairs, we go through in life, we are to fear none but Allah (swt). The Qur’an states,
“And do not make [your oath by] Allah an excuse against being righteous and fearing Allah and making peace among people. And Allah is Hearing and Knowing”. (2:224)
From this, we can see that in our oaths we must strive to be righteous, make peaceful relationships as well as fear none but Allah (swt).
Part of being righteous is not to lie or hide the good things that Allah (swt) has gifted us with.
If you did marry and not tell his parents, would that put him in the position of having to lie?
If so, lying is haram, and it would be a harm to your marriage oath/contract.
While marriage is not a sacrament as it can be revoked, it is a strong covenant.
Faith
Sister, as he has been a Muslim for four years and his parents have no clue he is a Muslim, I am wondering – if he lives with his parents-, how could they not see his change in dietary habits, fasting during Ramadan, his prayers five times a day and so on?
They must be watching closely as you stated they were “on him” for not practicing Hinduism.
Check out this counseling video:
I would kindly suggest sister that you first speak with him about telling his parents that he is Muslim.
While the thought of losing one’s family (disowned) is horrifying, it is just one of the many tests and trials one must go through in life.
They will find out eventually anyhow if he practices Islam. So, as you and he want to get married, it is best to be upfront in sha’ Allah and depend on Allah (swt) for ease and direction in telling them.
If he agrees to this, alhumdulillah. If he does not, alhumdulillah. Do you want a husband who hides the fact that he is Muslim and married to you?
Or do you want a husband whose faith in Allah (swt) is strong enough to stand up for what he believes in no matter how difficult it may be?
You are a shining example of one with iman. You did tell your family and suffered the loss of all your family, with the exception of your beloved mother. If you can do this, why would you not expect him to?
Making it public
One the other side, you can do the marriage by making it public to all but his parents.
However, this is not recommended nor is it a good way to start a marriage with deception.
His family may disown his now if he tells them, but if he lies to them and doesn’t tell them they may be even less forgiving.
Additionally, if you did decide to go through with the marriage on his terms, do you have in mind a set time frame for telling his parents?
What would a marriage like this look like? These and other questions need to be examined before you decide on such a serious course in life.
While it is a difficult situation for him, with Allah (swt) all things are possible.
He cannot lead a secret life forever. Nor should he expect that from you.
Your decision
I would expect him as a Muslim (for 4 years already) and as a man to step up and tell his parents the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
It is unfair of him to ask you to be a “secret” just because he is afraid of his parents’ reactions.
I would give him the opportunity to tell his parents that he converted to Islam.
If he does not, then you have some hard thinking to do and questions to ask yourself.
You may think it may be a good thing; however, Allah (swt) knows best.
Please make du’aa’, make Istakharah prayer and think very carefully before agreeing to something like this.
Also, as I am not an Islamic scholar, please do consult with our Ask the Scholar section for more Islamically grounded answers in regards to fatwas and parental secrecy.
You are in our prayers sister. May Allah (swt) guide you down the right path and bless you.
Salam,
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