So I prayed a lot to save me from them. Alhamdullilah, I got job. I worked. After 5 years Allah helped us to build a new house. But when I came to India for my house warming function my co-sister who seemed to be very friendly. She always says that mother-in-law is telling bad about me. Daily she comes and says whatever my mother-in-law says to her she will come and say to me but she is very friendly with her also. I feel very frustrated because of both my mother-in-law and co-sister. Mother-in-law still behaving badly to me.
I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t know why they are behaving like this. Now I don’t like to see these two ladies. I don’t even like to call. But sometimes I call only for the sake of Allah. My husband is always with me. He knows all the situation.I feel very lonely and awkward when I am with them.
Please help me how to get along with such strange people. How to deal with them?Mother-in-law is filled with hatred towards me. It comes out every time through her words.I pray that I don’t want to see such double faces people.
Answer
In this counseling post:
- Every family has a different set of values and ways of living that are normal and acceptable to them. However, making compromises with the extended family can be a lot more difficult than with your spouse.
- Hopefully your understanding of their motivations will help you respond to the situation more successfully.
- Start by building bridges with your mother-in-law.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
This is indeed a very distressing situation that you are in.
Everyone would love to have a healthy relationship with their in-laws, but unfortunately, this is often not the case, and rifts may be observed by at least 2 parties.
Of course we all want the ideal situation where everyone gets along, and even in the cases where they do, some level of compromise is needed behind the scenes, but it is not uncommon for there to be big problems with the in laws.
Change Perspective
Whilst you can’t just make things perfect and turn things into the ideal situation that you seek, as do we all, there are some things that you can do to ease the situation.
You can’t change their behavior, but you can consider things from an alternative perspective.
All Families Are Different
Firstly, remember that all families are different, even those from within the same country, culture, and even religion. Every family has a different set of values and ways of living that are normal and acceptable to them.
Even marrying within the same culture presents its own challenges of understanding, accepting, and adjusting to a different way of life.
This is why so much compromise is often required in a marriage to ensure both parties have their needs met according to what is acceptable to them while still making allowances for different approaches that they may have too.
As spouses, it can be difficult, but still manageable for the sake of having a healthy and happy marriage.
Alhamdulilah, it seems you have this with your husband; however, when there is less emotional investment from extended family, making such compromises can be a lot more difficult.
It’s more challenging to make these adjustments for someone you don’t live with every day or for them to understand an alternative way of life.
With this in mind, understand that your in-laws simply have less experience with your family background and way of life, which may make it more difficult to interact with you in a way that is acceptable to you.
It may even be that, to you, their behavior seems rude when, in fact, this is just their normal way of interacting and they don’t really have any problems with you after all. This misunderstanding would therefore cause unnecessary difficulties between you.
Are They Still Adjusting?
On the other hand, maybe this is not the case and actually there is a problem, but it is that they are just adjusting to having someone from another family in their lives.
It may even be that they really do have a serious problem with you; in this case, understand from their perspective that they are perhaps having a hard time letting go of a family member (that is, your husband) and therefore see you as some kind of threat.
Naturally, if this is the case, this will lead to feelings of animosity toward you.
Now, whilst understanding that any of these reasons will likely explain why they are behaving this way towards you despite you not having done anything wrong towards them, it won’t fix the problem entirely, but hopefully your understanding of their motivations will help you respond to the situation more successfully.
Respond with a Softer Heart
This doesn’t make their behavior toward you acceptable or ok, but in sha Allah you can respond with a softer heart and compassion towards them due to their own shortcomings.
Understandably, you want to reduce contact with them to avoid these feelings of discomfort that you experience when being around them.
However, you are also aware that, for the sake of Allah, maintaining ties of kinship is also very important.
It will also make things easier for your husband, who is in the middle.
You could certainly reduce contact for your own wellbeing; that’s ok, but just make sure it’s regular enough so as not to exacerbate things further.
It might be that actual contact can be reduced, but you can work gradually towards increasing it as you build bonds and accept each other into your lives.
Do Something Together
Perhaps start by doing something completely new and different together.
You might even start by building bridges with your mother-in-law to begin with, out of respect for her as the woman who raised your husband.
Perhaps in the form of a short amount of one-on-one time together to get to know each other more.
This way, you are giving her your undivided attention away from other family members who seem to be making things more difficult by gossiping behind her back.
Get to know her and her interests, and let this shape your conversation.
This may be awkward at first and will likely require persistence, but with time and patience and gradually getting accustomed to one another, in sha Allah, things will begin to improve.
May Allah make things easy for you and draw your families together in love and happiness that will bring contentment all around.
More from Sr. Hannah:
- How to Deal with My Narcissistic Mother?
- Heal your Heart with Sr. Hannah’s Advice
- Overweight Husband Doesn’t Care About His Health
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