I’m a Malaysian woman married to an Egyptian and living in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. He is married with 4 kids and his family is back in his home country. We’ve been married for around a year and a half now.
I’ve been single and independent for quite a long time. I understand that as a wife I need to follow what my husband asks me to do, but sometimes, I feel like he’s controlling my life when he stops me from doing what I’ve always done when I was single.
He doesn’t allow me to travel with my female friends in a group. He doesn’t allow me to go to my yoga class, which is an indoor all-female class. He doesn’t allow me to join class reunions.
Besides that, I also cannot accept his way of living. He is always very busy on his phone replying to messages. For instance, I often take him to the center where he teaches, and during the whole ride he’s just on his phone. I feel like I’m his driver. When I try to talk to him, he says he cannot talk while replying to messages.
He also likes to watch videos that his friends send him till it causes a delay with other activities, to me it feels like a waste of time. I can tolerate it if he watches YouTube or so during his free time. This issue always ends with us arguing and leaves our relationship in a bad place.
I try to accept the situation, but it makes me stressed. I’m always comparing how happy I was when I was single. I didn’t face these kinds of problems back then and did whatever I liked to do.
What should I do? How can I be a good wife to him? Should I continue this marriage? Please advise me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Giving each other time, attention, and consideration helps to build a marital bond.
• I would kindly suggest to, in shaa’ Allah, sit down with your husband when things are calm. Make a list of the things that are bothering you and discuss them with him.
• You may wish to ask him what his reasonings are behind prohibiting you from the activities you enjoy.
• Make a list of activities and fun things that you both enjoy doing and make suggestions regarding these activities.
• Personal time is important but spending time with each other is critical for a healthy marriage.
• Perhaps you and your husband can take marriage classes at your local Islamic Center to increase your understanding of marriage, the rights you have over each other, conducive communication skills, as well as other useful tips and insights.
• I kindly suggest that you do some research and review your rights in Islam as a woman and a wife.
Assalamu alaykum dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about the issues you are having in your marriage. As you have been married for a year and a half, it is still a short time. As you know, in any marriage, adjustments must be made on both sides.
This is especially true in a new marriage, or if there are cultural or compatibility issues. It may just take a little more time, effort, and prayer.
Marital Adjustments
Based on what you have written, it sounds like you are the one expected to make all of the adjustments. You stated that he is always busy replying to messages on his phone and such. You drive him to the center he teaches at, which I assume is his workplace.
I am not sure why he is not driving, however, while he is riding in the car, you say he’s always busy on his phone until he is dropped off. According to you, he’s always more preoccupied with his phone and doesn’t put in effort to communicate.
In a marriage, a husband or wife should make more efforts to focus on each other rather than on an extended social or online life.
Maturity Levels
Sister, it sounds like he’s acting very immature. As a grown man with four children and two wives, it should be that his primary attention and interest is in his families. As he is currently living with you, and you are his wife, his attention should be with you when he is not at work or worshipping.
Giving each other time, attention, and consideration helps to build a marital bond. It takes work, dedication, compromise, and time to build a healthy marriage. It seems like he is either incapable or unwilling to do so.
It appears he demands that you change to fit his rules, yet he carries on with things that are harming the marriage. This is not a sign of healthy interactions or marital building, but rather reflects an immature style of self-absorption.
Double Standards
He does not want you to travel with your female friends in a group, go to your yoga class even though it is all female and indoors, or even go to your class reunions. It appears that there is somewhat of a double standard going on.
As long as you are traveling in groups and not alone and not engaging in haram behaviors, there should be no reason why you cannot associate with your friends or go places.
I do not know if he follows the belief that you should stay at home all the time without a social life or interactions, but even the Prophet’s (PBUH) wives did spend time together occasionally and socialized.
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Stringent rules which are not Islamic are not conducive to a good marriage. It is can cause great problems as you see. Marriage was not created to be a prison.
Marriage & Culture Differences
Marriage was created to be a union and a relationship based on mutual love, trust, compatibility, and Islamic values. It may be that he is just really immature, or it may be a cultural clash.
Perhaps in his family life, he was raised to view marriage in a different way. Perhaps culturally, women are expected to not socialize. I am not sure that it is a cultural situation between the two of you, however, it can be something you may wish to explore further.
Speak with Your Husband
Sister, I would kindly suggest to, in shaa’ Allah, sit down with your husband when things are calm. Make a list of the things that are bothering you and discuss them with him. Approach him with kindness and try not to be upset when discussing your concerns.
You want him to be attentive and compassionate towards your needs. Often when we are upset or sad our dialogue reflects these feelings. When this happens, we may speak more from a position of emotion rather than logic.
This often happens when we feel that our rights have been violated, or we feel like another person is oppressing us. However, if we speak to the person from a proactive stance, they are more likely to listen. With that said, you may wish to ask him what his reasonings are behind prohibiting you from the activities you enjoy.
Perhaps you could also bring up the time he spends messaging or on his phone, but bring it up in the context of time. You could suggest to him other activities that you both can do together that will bring you closer.
Make a list of activities and fun things that you both enjoy doing and make suggestions regarding these activities. This may require compromise on your part, such as reducing your time spent with friends and focusing on more time with him.
You both may find it beneficial to redirect individual activities to couple activities. If your husband is open to it, alhumdulillah. If he is not, you may want to suggest marriage counseling to resolve your issues and save the marriage.
Personal Space
Sister, everybody needs personal space and time. This personal time is when you are at yoga classes or with your female friends. During his personal time, he may choose to watch the videos which he receives. Personal time is important but spending time with each other is critical for a healthy marriage.
Building a Healthy Marriage
Ideally, when trying to build a healthy marriage, there should be a balance between both husband and wife regarding needs. However, couple time should come first along with Islamic worship.
Try expressing to him your desire to have husband and wife time for going to the Masjid, praying together, reading Qur’an, attending Islamic events, taking walks, cooking dinner together, or other activities you both enjoy.
Spending quality time doing mutually enjoyable uplifting activities helps create a stronger bond of love and respect between husband and wife. Communication and compromise are also vital components of a healthy marriage.
Being able to calmly discuss differences and reach a mutually satisfying result is an art and may take practice. Compromising illustrates that one is capable of sacrificing a desire or “want” in order to please another person. In marriage both husband and wife must be willing to compromise on some issues.
Thus, by trying to be a good wife to your husband, you may need to sacrifice some of the things you enjoyed when you were single. On the same accord, he may need to sacrifice some things as well.
Worshipping Allah
By worshipping Allah together, you both will receive many blessings for your efforts, in shaa’ Allah. Studying the various aspects of Islam as husband and wife will give you both a greater insight and sense of peace regarding marital issues.
Perhaps you and your husband can take marriage classes at your local Islamic Center to increase your understanding of marriage, the rights you have over each other, conducive communication skills, as well as other useful tips and insights.
From Single to Married
Sister, I understand that you are used to being single. When one is single, they are used to doing what they want, when they want. Marriage is a compromise and it is also a sacrifice. While you are to obey your husband, his requests need to be reasonable and based on the Qur’an and hadiths.
The way that you describe the situation, it sounds like he really doesn’t want you to go outside at all. This is not Islamic. I kindly suggest that you do some research and review your rights in Islam as a woman and a wife.
As you are used to being single, and he may be immature and not used to a different way of living, you both may need to compromise on all these issues. Marriage is a blessing as well as a sacrifice.
Conclusion
Sister, try to kindly resolve these issues through talking, compromising, worshipping together, taking Islamic marriage classes, getting marriage counseling, and making duaa’ to Allah.
If these issues persist after much efforts to resolve them and are causing much grief, you may choose to divorce him as the differences will be irreconcilable.
We wish you the best, you are in my prayers.
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