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I Feel Ashamed of Lesbian Desires

Questioner

T

Reply Date

Aug 11, 2016

Question

I am a married woman living peacefully with my husband. I feel I have a deep connection with God since my childhood. Ever since I can remember, I try my best to do all the duties God expects me to do. I surely make many mistakes, but my aim is always to please God and be conscious of Him.However, there is one thing that has been continuously bothering me even though I guess I have come to terms with it. It’s my deepest secret which I have not shared with anybody other than God. Although He knows all my secrets, I keep talking to Him about my feelings. Ever since I remember, I have felt emotional attachment and sexual desire toward women though I have never ever acted upon it and in sha’ Allah won’t do ever in the future if God keeps me protected.Let me tell you my current scenario: I am in love with my best friend. I feel so much attracted to her, and I really love her from my heart despite that I’d never want to do anything sinful with her. I am just talking about my feelings here. I mean I just can’t control my attraction towards her; I fantasize a lot about her. Will God forgive me for all this? I have learnt to accept this feeling as a test from God even though it makes me feel so lost and confused. At times, I don’t even know who I am, but then I keep reminding myself that these are not the things God will question me about on the Day of Judgment. He won’t ask me about my confusion and sadness, but about my duties towards Him and others. Therefore, I try to concentrate on that, but a part of me is lost because I love a woman whom I have no future with. All I wish to know is whether God will understand me that it was in my control to not demonstrate that love, but it was not in my control to love her. Even though, somewhere I know that God will understand it, yet I need someone to reassure me about it. Please, help me.

Counselor

Answer


Ashamed of Lesbian thoughts

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

I can definitely assure you that Allah understands everything in every heart. Allah is infinite; He is infinitely everywhere and beyond space and time; He has infinite knowledge, infinite wisdom, and infinite understanding. Allah creates, contains, and sustains all that exists including our feelings, our confusions, and our heart. We are creations of Allah as every being ever created is from Him. All expressions of love are a portion of the Essence of Pure Love contained within a vessel in the form of a feeling, or concept, or idea. As a human being, we cannot love perfectly, but we can practice love and become more perfect. Through this love, we grow and transcend the human condition. This is the way to look at love. The question for you is: whom shall you bond with? What is the purpose and mission of your life on this earth? These are questions that will be answered inside your heart through the guidance of Allah and will guide your behaviors.

I must provide my disclaimer in that although I am a psychologist, I am not an expert in gay and lesbian issues. I cannot provide guidance that relates specifically to the experience of those who are gay or lesbian.  The clinicians, who are qualified to provide psycho-education, consultation, and therapy to those who have issues related to their sexual orientation, have undergone extensive training and become experts in this flied. My area of expertise is basic clinical psychology, spiritual psychology, behavioral psychology, and forensics. But I do feel confident in reminding you about the love of Allah and in assuring you that our Creator is Compassionate and undoubtedly understands your situation. Allah created you; how could He not love you as His own?

With that said, although this response is not specifically for the gay and lesbian population, I would like to mention that almost everyone who has an ambition to fulfill the will of Allah and take care of his/her family meets his/her life obligations. And almost everyone who is faithful to a life partner will find at times the need to restrain him/herself from a sexual attraction to another human being. It might be helpful if you put this in that context. In reality, only Allah will meet our deepest needs. We find friendship and emotional bonding with many brothers and sisters along the way who are sorts of our “soul mates”. In reality, we are all connected.

A physical/sexual attraction is hormonal, and we have scientific proof of this, so, we can put our sexual attractions in perspective. Most of us would not act on our sexual attractions whether they are heterosexual or homosexual, when we are fulfilling a higher purpose. I do not know your current situation; however, if you have been married for several years, have children, and have created a life with another human being, it is more likely that this mutually shared history has also developed into a love of a higher order. I would encourage you to sustain this deep connection and bond if you have it with authenticity if you can. This does not change who you are or how you perceive yourself. I do not know the depths of your relationship with your husband. Perhaps, getting to know him on a deeper level will allow you to know if you are safe to share your secret with him or not. Sometimes, holding secrets can be painful and can make us feel as if we were not fully loved, appreciated, and accepted for who we are as we are.

With that said, I am glad that you did find a safe place to talk about yourself. Sexuality is an expression of energy that manifests in our physical body for a short while we experience and learn from being placed on planet earth. In reality, you are a spiritual being. I pray that you have found some comfort in my words. I hope you feel reassured now that Allah is always there for you and that His understanding surpasses all human understanding. Allah created you, and you belong to Him.

May Allah help you,

***

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