I have 4 children under 10. I have tried my level best to keep my husband physically and emotionally happy as much as I can throughout these years, yet my only request in return was that he meets with my emotional needs and makes me feel like I’m important and is emotionally available.
Sometimes he’s at home but never communicates when I need to talk, and watches car videos all night instead of talking to me or playing with the kids.
I try and try my best with all my love to ask and speak to him as much as I can if there’s something bothering him which causes him to neglect my needs. But his excuse for all these years has been “I’m stressed with payments or busy with work” what if he never gets rich?
Or his business is just stable instead of booming into a millionaire type of business? Does this mean I will be treated like this for the rest of our lives? To be forgotten because of the financial needs not being met?
There are far more issues that I have with him but this was the priority so I desperately needed help or guidance. I’m physically so drained raising the kids on my own and cannot afford extra help but Alhamdulillah I’m keeping them happy.
So, I am emotionally drained out of begging for some bond and emotional needs or just being assured that he loves me at the bare minimum. He never comes around to tell me how he feels or admits if he has ever done something wrong. Yet, from the day I got married, I swore to him that yes mistakes happen but if he remains truthful we can get over our problems even if it involves an affair just because I’m all about fixing than replacement and I love him very dearly.
Yet he’s lied to me several times for little to big things - and I’ve forgiven him for that. But deep down I’m just so fed up and exhausted, desperate for love wondering when will this ever get better. I have always felt like I’m walking on eggshells in this relationship.
Yet even sitting down trying to talk never works because he doesn’t care for these concerns of mine or finds them unimportant. He’s very good at communicating with others but just prefers not to communicate with me. My children’s emotional needs are also thrown out the window for him so I’m trying to keep up with that on my own.
He pays for mortgage and house bills, I have to use child tax for groceries and save for kids university. I feel torn apart and the expense of living in this country as a single parent is not possible so that’s not an option for me either.
Please note I’m not at all ungrateful for the fact that he works hard outside and provides for us, I’ve always from time to time have thanked him for doing what he does for us and also reminded him to say thanks to Allah as He is the main provider.
Everything seems so messed up and burdened it almost makes me feel suicidal but, I have faith in Allah as He is the best of planners. I just don’t know where I’m going wrong what I’m doing wrong to deserve this.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Your disappointment is completely understandable, and also your desire to live in a happy, fulfilling marriage.
If you feel suicidal, please call the helpline!
I suggest you turn to a marriage specialist together to discover the underlying issues behind this situation from both sides.
Differences between spouses do not necessarily mean unsuccessful marriage. Rather, we have to learn to realize, respect, and finally love each other for our differences.
Try to be next to your spouse as he needs, not as you would think he needs.
Try some techniques that help you to gain more self–esteem and self-love.
Try to find activities for your own, that makes you happy and relaxed.
Salam alaikom Wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuhu,
Thank you for trusting us and sharing your struggle. I am really sorry that you do not experience emotional satisfaction in your marriage, and you feel that your needs are not fulfilled.
Marriage definitely has a very important status in Islam. Allah says in the Quran:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Quran 30:21)
Allah meant the spouses to be the source of tranquility and love for each other. A harmonious, good relationship with our partner gives us comfort and helps us overcome distress. That is why your disappointment is completely understandable, and also your desire to live in a happy, fulfilling marriage.
You even mentioned at the end of your letter, that you feel “so messed up and burdened” that “almost makes you feel suicidal”. If these thoughts start to happen more frequently, first of all, please contact a mental health professional.
When conflict or disagreement arises in a relationship, it is very recommended to turn together to a marriage counselor in order to be able to understand and listen to both sides and reach improvement not only in the individual level but as a couple.
I suggest you turn to a marriage specialist together to discover the underlying issues behind this situation from both sides.
However, as this letter was written by you, I am going to share my thoughts about things you could work on as an individual that probably could bring some improvement to your well-being.
Learn to accept your spouse and love your differences
I think it is important to understand that while both husband and wife have duties and rights in marriage, these are slightly different, as men and women generally tend to have different needs.
You wrote, that your only request was to make you feel important and be emotionally available. This is of course an important and valuable request, and you have the right to expect attention and emotional availability from your husband.
However, as you both grow up in a different household, probably had learned different tools to handle emotional distress. Also, you may have different characters, different ways to communicate, and different needs in a relationship. For example, you may need to talk about your concern and share your struggles, while he prefers to reflect on problems silently, alone.
None of these needs are above the others’: they are equally important. You stated that you need to talk to him and want to be there if he needs something, but what if he prefers other ways to solve his problems?
The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised us to accept our spouse as he/she is and focus on the characteristics we are pleased with:
“A believer must not hate (his wife) believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another”. Riyad as-Salihin 275
Differences between spouses do not necessarily mean unsuccessful marriage. Rather, we have to learn to realize, respect, and finally love each other for our differences.
We have to love people for who they are, and not for who we want them to be. Please ask him: what does he like, and how he likes it? Then try to be next to your spouse as he needs, not as you would think he needs.
Furthermore, if your feelings of being loved depend on expectations about the other, and you feel empty and unworthy without his attention and validation; you probably have some unresolved issues around emotional dependence and self-love.
Emotional independence and self–love
You wrote that your husband is a good communicator with others but not with you. Also, you describe yourself as “emotionally drained out of begging for some bond”. This shows rather a depending attitude and emotional neediness instead of independence and love.
I would like to tell you that overly depending on your spouse’s love and approval may have an alienating effect on your husband. Please think about, what you can do to turn his attention more towards you?
Giving more room to the other, accepting how he /she is usually is a more attractive and inspiring attitude than being clingy and overly sensitive about his attention.
Being emotionally dependent is a normal aspect of development, as during childhood the fulfillment of our needs depends on our parents. But later on, this dependence at its best transforms into emotional independence, when you realize, that your values, your worthiness, and your happiness does not depend on others, but on you.
Dear, you have to learn to love yourself first and believe that you are a beautiful, valuable human being. You are surely lovely and worthy, no matter whether others approve it or not.
Allah created you this way and loves you, you deserve to love yourself first! Try to boost your self-esteem, accepting yourself first, without conditions.
Try some techniques that help you to gain more self–esteem and self-love.
For example, start a self–love journal, where every day you note at least one thing you: 1. did and it was a positive experience (fun, interesting) 2. did well or accomplished 3. made you be proud and let you feel good about yourself. Reading back your words later will guide you to realize your worth in Sha Allah.
Also, here is a beautiful dua about love: „O Allah, indeed, I ask You for Your love and the love of those who love You, and for the action that will cause me to attain Your love, O Allah, make Your love more beloved to me than myself, my family and cold water.” Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3490
(Allāhumma innī as’aluka ḥubbaka wa ḥubba man yuḥibbuka wal-`amalalladhī yuballighunī ḥubbak. Allāhummaj`al ḥubbaka aḥabba ilaiyya min nafsī, wa ahlī wa minal-mā’il-bārid)
Find worth in own actions and activities
Dear, you mentioned, that you have four children and you spend a lot of effort to raise them and to introduce them to Islam correctly. These are very valuable actions, Mashallah!
You can expect a high reward for having concern for your children, and educating them about the religion, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) stated: “The best among you (Muslims) are those who learn the Qur’an and teach it.” Sahih al-Bukhari 5027
Islam encourages you to do good deeds and you can do many activities for the sake of Allah, which finally will help you to realize your uniqueness and worth. Try to find activities for your own, that makes you happy and relaxed.
For example, take part in a woman’s organization or club, where you can talk with other women and participate in positive activities like charity, funding, or outdoor walks.
Summary:
During marital problems, we need to listen and understand both sides in order to reach improvement in the relationship. However, individual self-work is also important in order to be ready for a more fulfilling relationship.
Differences do not necessarily mean unsuccessful marriage, rather we have to learn to realize, respect, and finally to love each other for our differences.
Emotional dependence could occur when we are not aware of our self–worth. Learn to love yourself first! With a healthy amount of self – esteem we are going to be more independent emotionally in a relationship.
Finding worth in your own actions and deeds will help you to be emotionally independent and improve your marriage.
I wish you all the best, may Allah bless you!
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.