Our marriage took place with lots of ups and downs. It was an arranged marriage. Before our marriage, my husband lied to me about many things (we were in different provinces when we got to know each other). I had no clue that he was lying.
He lied about his height, past relations, and some family aspects. After my family saw him, they rejected him (because of his height) and he said sorry and his family convinced me with many emotions things to get married.
A long story short, the whole marriage took place with so many complications even though my mom, brother, and I felt something positive in istikara at the beginning of this proposal.
After our marriage, my family was all-time upset at him and having difficulties accepting him as a son-in-law. And my husband has a hatred towards my family as they rejected him in the first place. He has definitely no remorse that it all happened for his lying and his family members.
Overall, I am in total chaos to handle the knot on both sides. This marriage is actually destroying my relationship with my mom. She cannot even stand the name of my husband.
Recently, I got to visit my family for summer in another province. My husband didn't come with me. After a few days of my arrival, I got to know that he had a very intimate physical relationship with many girls before our marriage (around 1.5 years relationship with his last girlfriend)
I came across his intimate pictures with others girls on the internet which were severely disturbing for a wife. I am passing an extremely difficult time dealing with my emotions.
There was a lot more filthy stuff in there. I was devastated. He had accepted being in a relationship before our marriage, but he misled me by saying that they were just like friends.
Now he is telling me to forgive him. I already discussed everything with my family and they want me to divorce him as well. My mom already told me that she won't allow me to live with him again.
I almost cry every day to cope with my stress and get mentally sick. I cannot even talk to my husband properly as I feel I started hating him.
My problem is, after seeing all those pictures I do not want him, even if he says he loves me. I cannot trust or respect him. My depression level is getting worse.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
We are not obliged to reveal the sins of our past to anyone.
Seek marriage counseling.
Consider the pros and cons of a divorce.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
May Allah reward your patience with this situation and your desire to do the right thing in the eyes of Allah.
It is understandable that you feel so upset. It feels like he has betrayed you as you come to know about his past, a past that if perhaps you always knew about from the start you would not have chosen to marry him.
However, keep in mind that he was never obliged to let you know of such things about his past.
Work on the Current Situation
You can’t go back and reverse that now, but you can work on the current situation and move forward in the best possible way in the circumstances whether that is with him or not.
The situation is made increasingly difficult for you given that your family does not like him and, therefore, clearly has a biased opinion towards him. This may also influence your opinion of him.
It is always useful to have the support of people who are more impartial and would be able to advise from a neutral perspective so that you can make a more rational decision.
Seek Counseling
That’s not to say that you are actually being irrational in your feelings towards him at the moment, but more of a warning to be aware that there may be other perspectives that you are clouded from due to being surrounded by others who are unhappy with him too.
With this in mind, I would advise you to seek counsel from someone who has less strong feelings towards him whilst also having your best interests at heart, perhaps a friend or more distant family member.
Additionally, I would advise that you and your husband seek counseling together to allow you both to express your feelings to each other openly in an environment where the counselor is not tied emotionally to any one of you and therefore can advise with both your interests in mind.
This may even be better from your local imam who will be able to advise on the matter with the correct Islamic etiquette. This way you can both be sure that you are doing the right thing in the eyes of Allah.
Also, in your own time, in your own company, you should take the time to reflect deeply on the situation. Think about his good points and what attracted you to him in the first place. Consider the benefits of staying with him and what the consequences good and bad could be.
Consider the Pros and Cons of Divorce
Also, consider the consequences of getting a divorce, both good and bad. Consider, which of these consequences would be most pleasing to Allah?
Perhaps there are some alternative options that strike a balance between the two. Perhaps you let him know how upset you are and how you’d like him to change and not bring up the past and see how it goes for the next 6 months to a year or so.
Let him know that if you don’t see any changes, then you will have no choice but to divorce. Alternatively, you may not put it forward so forcefully, but have in mind that you will give him 6 months to a year (or whatever time scale you feel is reasonable) to change and you will give him every opportunity to do so without giving him a hard time.
The point here is that you consider all your options carefully. Take time with this task. Take a week or so if you need to. As for giving him some kind of chance as well as seeking counseling together, this is to ensure that you give the marriage every chance to work before you walk away.
This reduces the chance of you making the irrational choice to divorce and potentially look back with regret. If you give it a chance, then you could walk away with no regrets knowing that you did all you can to make it work.
May Allah reward you for doing the right thing and not just making an irrational decision in the moment. May He make your journey forward a successful one filled with happiness in this life and the next.
Salam,
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