When I came there was nothing, that time I reacted so he said he cannot forgive me because we insulted him and we never understood him. I apologized many times and he is still the same. For the last 3 years I have also been working. He wants all my money. I shared with him 70 percent of my income, but whenever I buy something for home expenditure or give him a little less, he threatens to leave the house.
My father died 8 years ago from that day he misbehaved more and more. He says insha allah you will get a divorce from me. Sometimes he says go and take divorce, etc. He says he never wants to spend his money on me.
Whenever he disagrees about something he stops buying food and things for me and children. Now he stopped being intimate with me. We live together but he is not talking to me, not answering without reason. Abuses me and my mother.
He is always calling his family after returning from work. They live in Pakistan. His behavior disturbs me all the time. I want to leave him. But I'm not sure if I can divorce without a mahram in Denmark.
He is not telling his family that we have problems. He threatens me that if I share with his father or sisters that will be our last day of marriage. I tried to talk to him, with an apology request, with love but after 2 or 3 days the situation became the same. He said he hates me. I am working full time. Plus doing all the housework and looking after the children. But he is still unsatisfied with me.
Here I need your help with about 2 or 3 issues.
1. If I apply for divorce am I sinful? 2. If I remarry another man, what about my daughters, is that man mehram to my daughters or what’s my duty towards my daughters if I married another man? 3. I am living in Denmark. Is it ok if I am working in a supermarket where I cannot cover my face, I am wearing a uniform with a hijab of head covering. Or do I have to move to another Islamic country?
I have no mahram if I get divorced. Please guide me so I can plan for my coming life according to Islam.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- It seems as though you are an abusive marriage, where you are going through verbal, emotional and also financial abuse. It must be very difficult for you trying to survive all the time in such circumstances.
- As for your questions, you will not be sinful in any way if you seek a divorce. Your husband is supposed to be a person who provides you comfort, peace and shelter; and if, on the contrary he is causing you so much pain, mentally and emotionally – you have every right to apply for divorce.
Assalamu Alaikum Sister,
It seems as though you are an abusive marriage, where you are going through verbal, emotional and also financial abuse. It must be very difficult for you trying to survive all the time in such circumstances.
As for your questions, you will not be sinful in any way if you seek a divorce. Your husband is supposed to be a person who provides you comfort, peace and shelter; and if, on the contrary he is causing you so much pain, mentally and emotionally – you have every right to apply for divorce.
If you marry another man after seeking divorce; you other husband will be a mehram to your daughters; therefore, when you remarry after your divorce, you can take your daughters with you.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“And (forbidden to you for marriage are) your step-daughters who reside with you, [born] of your wives of whom you have consummated the marriage.
[4:23]
I believe it is okay for you to live in Denmark, as you are providing for yourself and your family. I understand that you are in a difficult position, and do not have any kind of support. If you want to move to another country; a Muslim country where you feel you will have support of some sort, you may do it. But right now, in the circumstances you currently have – you can also keep on living in Denmark, and continuing your job.
Allah SWT is indeed Most Merciful and He sees the intention you have behind everything. He sees the hard work you are doing to sustain yourself and your children. May He reward you for all your efforts in this world as well as in the Hereafter.
Check out this counseling video:
Build Your Social Support
Sister, one of the most important things you can do in your current situation is to build social support. Seek help from other people especially women around you, may someone in the Muslim community or around the mosque you go to.
One of the ways domestic violence affects people is – they slowly become so isolated from everyone and often feel ashamed to talk about their situation to others. But it is important to realize that connection with other people is what keeps us alive and going.
If you don’t have any Muslim community around you; you can still seek help from other trusted women you may know at your workplace or find some kind of support groups.
Plan Things Ahead
As it is apparent from your post, you have made up your mind to a great extent, to apply for a divorce – in such circumstance; it may be important for you to plan things ahead. If your husband finds out; he may try to turn the tables, or restrict you financially or in other ways.
I cannot say much, since you are the best judge and know your husband for many years – so you will have an idea about the things you will need to be cautious about while applying for divorce.
Find Local Organizations that Help Women In Abusive Marriages
There are organizations in each country which help women in crisis or the ones facing abuse in home. It is definitely up to you if you want to seek help from such an organization, but list down the organizations available in your area, and know that this may be an option for you if things get worse.
There are also several support groups online and also on Facebook, which provide emotional support to Muslim women going through abusive marriages and divorce.
Take Care of Your Physical And Emotional Health
Sister, you have already been in a stressful situation for so long – and it is likely to stay this way for some time, till you eventually transition from the marriage. Therefore; self-care is very important. Take care of your physical and emotional health so that you are able to work through the challenges you are experiencing in your life and also take care of your daughters.
If your daughters are old enough to understand what is going on – also help them understand what is going on in your life and what you are experiencing; without putting too much emotional burden on them.
Children are fragile and their emotional states are highly dependent on the parents; especially the mother. So it is important to be aware of it and respond to them accordingly.
Seek Professional Therapy
If an option is available, and you can afford it; I would recommend that you seek professional therapy. It will allow you to cope through your situation more effectively, and it would also make the transition gentle for you.
If therapy is not an option – take out some time on a daily or atleast weekly basis where you can in some activity which you find therapeutic. It could be anything, such as a walk, writing, reading, art, cooking, praying – that connects you to your deeper self and helps you feel alive.
Ask Allah SWT for Help And Guidance
Last but not the least, connect to Allah SWT. Pray and supplicate to Him. He is the One who Sees and Listens to everything that is in our hearts; even when we do not say it. Whether you say it or not; He Listens to and Sees the difficulties you are enduring and He will reward you manifold in this world as well as in the Hereafter.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity, ‘To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.’ They are those on whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who receive guidance.” (2:155-157)
Trials and tests are a part of this life; but what is more important for us as a Believer is to persevere and keep asking Allah for help. May Allah Subhana Wa Ta’ala make things easy for you. Ameen.
Salam,
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