In this counseling answer:
“Remember, getting married will not solve the problem alone; you must understand yourself more so that you have the ability to control and discipline your same-sex attraction.”
As-Salaam ’Alaikum brother,
We all have flaws and different journey’s to undergo, and this happens to be yours. Firstly, you should not assume you will “go to hell” because you are attracted to men. Allah has the power to forgive and heal anything, and you must never forget that. Thinking or feeling something is not a sin. As for the actual activity you have done, whether with a man or woman, if we repent and try to stay straight, with God’s permission, it will be forgiven.
Having same-sex attraction is difficult to work within Muslim lands because there is no professional therapeutic support for that. Sadly, in the United States, reparative therapy (helping those with unwanted same-sex attraction) is rejected by the scientific community and there are huge campaigns trying to shut it down. In the state of California, it is illegal for a licensed psychologist to offer this type of help! Psychologists are not allowed to openly research and question the different forms of homosexuality and prove that some are based on social experiences, not biology. Evidence for a “gay gene” is still yet to be absolutely determined, and at best what we have are theories on several variables including genes, hormones, and variation in brain regions.
One thing you must acknowledge is that your sexuality, as you described, at its peak was fulfilled with men, thus you have created an association of sexuality with men. However, with time and ideal therapy, you can become in sha’Allah sexually aroused by women as it is ultimately your nature. I have personally worked with brothers who had same-sex attraction and are now experiencing wholesome marriages. It is possible and you should have hope. In reality, same, not all, same-sex attraction goes completely away, and in some cases, they diminish and/or can be controlled.
Sexual desires are a very powerful force, especially when we are young. Like heterosexuals, the desire to be with women, even if one is married, usually remains, and man must exert his discipline not to transgress. Similarly, you are sexually attracted to men and are in the same sexual struggles as heterosexuals, but the difference is the object of sexuality.
I encourage you to join an online help group for same-sex attraction and research as much as you can to learn and understand what you are going through. One reference I can provide is this website. Dr. Nicolosi is one of the founders of reparative therapy in the United States. In addition to learning and understanding, keep up with your purification of heart and religious practice as this will help alleviate you, in sha’Allah. If you can see a therapist with this specialization please do so. Remember, getting married will not solve the problem alone; you must understand yourself more so that you have the ability to control and discipline your same-sex attraction.
May Allah make it easy for you and everyone with same-sex attraction journey, amin.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.