As a young girl I never liked boys but I liked girls. I have always had crushes on girls. I hated it but I couldn’t get rid of it, so I hid it. When I asked about homosexuality, I met people telling me it was wrong. Telling me I was wrong. Allah was my life and all of a sudden He hated me. In the eyes of everyone, including my religion teachers, my existence was grounds to hate me. This pushed me away from God and religion as a whole.
I became an atheist and ever since I couldn’t bring myself to believe again. I want to be what my family expects of me. I want to marry a man and raise kids while wearing a hijab. I want it but I don’t know how to get it.
What do I do? How do I become what I want to be?
In this counseling answer:
• If you have innocent crushes on girls, let it be. Don’t make it a big deal. Keep it platonic. At your age, there are a lot of traits girls idealize in other girls, for instance, confidence, flamboyance, etc. There is no harm in idealizing traits other girls have.
• Get closer to Allah and channelize your thoughts into productive outlets.
Assalamu Alaykum Sister,
Your question is that you feel an attraction towards girls. Upon learning that homosexuality is a sin in Islam, you feel as though your existence is detestable in the religion. You feel as though Allah hates you, and in return, you have withdrawn from the religion and from Allah. You have become an atheist. You want to have a normal life, get married and be a good Muslim, but don’t know how to.
Sister, thank you for putting your question forward. I understand that you are still very young and must be going through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil. You feel that there is a huge gap between who you are (real self) and who you want to be (ideal self).
Developmentally, you are also in the phase, where one is in the process of forming one’s identity. It is natural to want to minimize the gap between your real and idealized self.
Attraction towards girls
Firstly, it is important for you to understand that it is not a sin to feel attracted to girls. It is something you cannot control, but rather it comes to you naturally. On the other hand, acting out on the attraction or impulse will be a sin. If you have innocent crushes on girls, let it be. Don’t make it a big deal. Keep it platonic. At your age, there are a lot of traits girls idealize in other girls, for instance, confidence, flamboyance, etc. There is no harm in idealizing traits other girls have. You could, in fact, befriend those girls and share your admiration with them.
Check out this counseling video:
Allah never hates us
Sister, it is important to understand that Allah never hates us. He is Ghafoor Ur Raheem, the Most Merciful! Allah himself has mentioned this in the Quran. Anybody who told you that Allah hates you because you think a certain way or want a certain thing was definitely wrong! Allah does not hate His creation, but rather the actions of human beings which He has forbidden.
To err is human. And Allah has created us humans. Every time we repent to Allah sincerely, He forgives us, and guides us. Even when we sin, Allah does not hate us. He loves each and every one of us. And He is always waiting for us to come back to Him and repent for our sins. Subhan Allah$
On an occasion, Rasool Ullah Sallahu Allaihi Wassalam said
“Allah is more merciful to His servants than a mother is to her child.” [Sahih Bukhari 5653]
In the Quran, Allah says,
“…My mercy encompasses all things..” [Surah Al-A’raf 7: 156]
This life is a test
Allah has sent in this world for a purpose. This purpose is to obey Him and not transgress the limits He has set for us. Allah tests us with different things to see whether we persevere or not.
For instance, He may test His Believers by giving them wealth, or withholding wealth, for some. He may test them by health, yet others by children.
Similarly, the fact that you have thoughts or fantasies about other girls may be the test for you! You know that Allah has prescribed limits on us with regard to having sex with the same gender. Only if you act upon your fantasies or thoughts you would be committing a sin. In fact, a grave sin! However, Allah is still the Most Merciful and Oft-Forgiving.
In the Quran, Allah says,
“Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who, when misfortune strikes them, say: ‘Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him is our return. Those are the ones upon whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord and it is those who are rightly guided.” [Sûrah al-Baqarah:155]
Get closer to Allah
If you’re intimidated, take small steps at first. For instance, recite the Kalimah, and acknowledge the fact that you’re a Muslim, Alhamdulillah.
Start reciting “Bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Rahim” whenever you do something such as eating, sleeping or just doing your assignments. It means “In the name of Allah, most Gracious, and most Compassionate”.
Start indulging in family activities of worship such as going to the mosque or offering prayers at home. Ask Allah for His Mercy and Help. Doing these little acts of worship, will restore your love and faith in Allah and help you get closer to your ideal life, InshaAllah.
Channelize Your Thoughts into Productive Outlets
Sister, as for your question about not knowing what to do and achieve your future goals, just trust Allah and He will guide you to the right path, InshaAllah. While I will not suggest you to suppress what and how you feel, I would still encourage you to find productive outlets and channelizing your thoughts.
For instance, you could try making hobbies, such as art and crafts, reading, gardening, writing etc. – anything that will prove to be productive for you in the long run.
Also, concentrate on your studies. Be kind to your parents and InshaAllah, Allah will help you achieve the life you want.
However, as time passes by and you still feel that the discrepancy between who you are and who you wish to continue to grow, please do consult a professional counselor so that you can keep your life on a track you intend to, InshaAllah.
May Allah help you,
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.