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Husband Insults My Lesbian Daughter

15 May, 2023
Q I adopted my daughter as an infant (I was non-Muslim). Since then, I converted to Islam and married a wonderful Muslim man. My daughter is now 37 and a lesbian. My husband is constantly making hurtful insults to me about this. He says it was wrong, and he would not accept her lifestyle. I don't accept it either, but I love her and my grandchild. How can I explain to my husband that this is affecting us? Am I wrong?


In this counseling answer:

Hatred and being disrespectful towards others only create resentment in people. While homosexuality is “wrong” according to the teachings of Islam, Muslims are still required to respect and behave well with others.

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum my dear sister in Islam,

No, you are not wrong! It was not the way of the Prophet (saw) to disrespect people even when they disrespected him.

Yes, of course, he told us what was right and wrong, but the way he did it was not with disregard for our humanity.

In fact, he (SAW) would do the opposite of that: he was gentle and showed mercy and made people feel welcomed to come to talk to him.

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There is a saheeh hadeeth which, in my opinion, encapsulates the essence of our beautiful religion:

“It was narrated that the Prophet said: ‘Forgive him who wrongs you; join him who cuts you off; do good to him who does evil to you; and speak the truth even if it be against yourself.” (Ahmad)

Sadly, many of us are disrespectful, bull-headed, arrogant, or even violent with people! Since when did hate become the way of da’wah?

The Prophet (saw) made them feel safe, no matter what their problems were so that they would talk about the things they needed to talk about. Why? Probably for many reasons, but the obvious ones are:

There is no compulsion in religion; you cannot force someone to follow the teachings of Islam.

“Force” begets hypocrisy, not belief. If and when a person submits to that to which you force him/her while still being is averse to the idea(s) you are forcing on him/her, you become a party to hypocrisy!

When you disrespect people, they never want to do what you say because your arrogance robs them of their God-given right and nature to make their own decisions, to have their own personal internal world/ relationship with God, and to be true to ourselves.

Furthermore, people rarely even listen to anyone who disrespects them, let alone follow their ideas!

Everyone is on a different path to Allah (swt). For example, the Prophet (saw) spent 23 years trying to convey the message of Islam to Abu Safwan (one of the arch enemies of Islam) who in the end converted!

Would that we learned to follow his example of this supreme humility! Instead, we go around calling everyone who is not a Muslim a kafr (disbeliever), which, indeed, we shouldn’t as Allah (swt) knows best who is a real believer and who might be a non-Muslim now, but become even a stronger believer than us in the future!

It is mentioned in the Quran (11:78) that when Prophet Lot (ra) was dealing with the sodomy of his time (male homosexuals) before Allah (swt) sent the punishment on them, he (ra) offered them his daughters in marriage. That is “respect” in the supreme! That is Islam. That is the heart of a believer!

We all read these in the Quran, but their full meaning does not always enter our hearts.

Yes, homosexuality is “wrong” in Islam, but how to deal with a homosexual (or any person who is doing something wrong according to the teachings of Islam) is a very different matter.

When we see non-Muslims doing wrong, could it help them in any way to correct their behavior if we are arrogant or insult them? Besides, that is not the Sunnah.

The one place where we are supposed to be really strong is against shirk – polytheism, worship of anything or anyone other than Allah (swt). But even there the Prophet (saw) used respectful conversation, “sound arguments”. Then, when Allah (swt) ordered him (saw) to fight the enemies of Islam, because they previously killed Muslims and didn’t accept the presence of Islam, he (saw) did not want to do it, but Allah (swt) told him that he may not like a thing that is good for him.

In addition, many strange things are in our bodies these days which are not normal, natural, or healthy – all of which could be altering our hormonal make-up.

For instance, meats have antibiotics and hormones added to them. Plastics alter our hormonal balance, killing testosterone in men. Pesticides and GMOs poison our bodies, etc.

All these things cause not only tons of cases of cancers, even in small children, but God-Only-Knows what else.

All this homosexuality, which the homosexual swears to feel true to their nature, may be resulting from all these foreign things in our bodies – and Allahu ‘Aalam (Allah Knows Best).


But, whatever the source(s) of the problem is, (and it is a problem, even if one “feels” homosexual, one should not give into that feeling), could “hate” ever address it successfully? Could it “help”? I think not.

We have to get wiser and figure out the way human beings operate if we are to reach them. To guide us, we have Allah (swt) – who is Love and Mercy – and His Religion as exemplified by His Messenger (saw).

Take these as the ways and means of dealing, not our own, shortsighted ideas and “feelings” about things. 

Before I learned this correct way of doing things, one of my teachers told me that my repulsion for homosexuality was a sign that I “feared” it. I went home and thought about that and realized that there might be some truth in that statement because why else would I have such a severe rejection of it.

Then I realized that my feeling came from me wanting my world to be what made me comfortable. When it was not, I got angry, and that is a type of fear – fear of the world when it is not what I need it to be to make me feel safe.

This is very nuanced psychologically, but if you (or your husband) can get your mind around it and agree with it, it shows how this is Allah’s (swt) world, not ours.

Since everything is from Allah (swt) and Allah (swt) is good, everything is good for us – somehow – we just have to figure out how.

Towards that understanding, it is important to distinguish what is good for us and what is good in and of itself.

For instance, Shaitan is good for us because he challenges our thinking (and contrast is the only way the difference between right and wrong, good and evil can be understood) even though he, and the sins he promotes, are not good in and of themselves.

Lastly, homosexuality and talking (for no valid reason) about what we do in our bedrooms are both wrong in Islam.

In addition, your daughter is not a Muslim; therefore, our laws do not apply to her.

It may help if you tell her that what goes on in the bedroom is something private in our religion, so you are not interested in her “sexual persuasion”- that is between her and Allah (swt).

Whatever the case, the way we respond to that information should not be with hate towards the individual, no matter how much we may hate the behavior because hate is not the ways and means of da’wah!

I hope this helps, In Sha’ Allah.


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 


About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery.For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.