As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear brother,
It seems like you are struggling with sexual attraction towards the same gender; this is not considered a disorder or a disease. You’ve been experiencing intimate feelings for men since you were a child, and now in adulthood you are experiencing sexual feelings as well. This is because you now have sexual maturity and your hormones are doing their job.
The question about the “cure” is quite controversial. However, as clinicians we move the client to the direction in which he would like to proceed. In your case, you would like to be straight and not experience sexual attraction towards men. This is certainly possible.
You are right, people are raised in different ways, they are influenced by different people and events and these may be the cause of such a sexual orientation. You are also right that Islamically, a Muslim is expected to stay away from homosexuality as it is looked upon with grave contempt, to put it mildly.
You seem to be very motivated to change your sexual orientation and I will do my best to give you advice on how you may be able to do that. However, we need to discuss a few things:
Some people are born and raised in simple, healthy home environments but still grow to be homosexual. Others go through a very troubled childhood and grow to become homosexual. Those children often have been sexually abused by another male.
I would like you to think back to your childhood’s earliest memories, were you ever sexually abused by another male? Sexual abuse can consist of several different behaviors. Take a few to think about that sometimes these memories are so deep and hidden that we forget that they even exist.
If you were sexually abused in the past, it is very important to validate those feelings and understand that you were not responsible for what happened. If you weren’t sexually abused, then perhaps you naturally felt this way due to various influences, both biological and environmental.
Allah has his ways with his followers. There are certain things that Allah has laid out in the Quran that are considered a sin. These sins are very tempting. How many times do we come across something that may be sinful during the day? Pornography? Lying? Deceit? Interest? Starting from Adam and Eve to you and me, we are all tested every day in every way.
Islam clearly states that one must have sexual intimacy only with his/her spouse. But in today’s world it is very common to have sexual intimacy with a girlfriend/boyfriend before marriage and this makes it even more tempting. Everything around us today in some way alludes to sex everything from marketing strategies to the fashion rules and music videos.
Despite all these temptations and influences in our lives, Allah’s word has not changed. Allah is testing us. We may be very overwhelmed, tempted and influenced, but we still must follow Allah’s guidance for the sake of Allah.
In the very same way, homosexuality is also very tempting to you, you have been strongly influenced, but despite these temptations, staying away from homosexuality is what Allah is expecting from his followers which it seems like you have been able to do by rejecting any sexual intercourse with men who have pursued you. This is something you should be proud about. This is a big step in overcoming that temptation.
In order to work towards change, you need to view homosexuality as a test from Allah. What will you do in this life to prove to Allah, that you will not give in to this temptation that He has declared a sin? You talked about seeing a female and thinking to yourself that she may be a good wife, and you may enjoy your life with her. You have also mentioned that you met a young man that has given you all the feelings that you have been missing in your life.
Have you thought about dating a woman? When I say dating, I mean, getting to know a woman in a very Islamic way for the purpose of marriage.You may not know what it is like to have feelings for a woman or to have a reciprocal loving relationship with a woman. If you are getting warmth and love from a man, I am sure you will get those feelings from the right woman. I would encourage you to actively seek for women, and try to have a relationship with them and see how you can also get those very same feelings from them.
Changing your sexual orientation is not like turning a light switch off or on. It will take some time, it is a process. This process requires you to be very strong and motivated throughout. There will be times when you may feel extremely influenced and distressed, I would encourage you to do some Zikr, so you may feel some peace and in sha’ Allah Allah will have mercy on you and ease this journey.
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