As-Salaam ‘Alaikum sister,
It is a difficult journey you are upon and I can understand why you are confused and worried yet are keeping faith in God’s mercy.
I will start by explaining my understanding of sexuality and how it works then provide some advice.
Sexuality is something that is shaped and influenced by both nature (our genes and hormone levels) and nurture (the society and our family values).
There is not “gay gene” per se, but our biochemistry affects the way we feel and feelings are involved in our romantic and sexual preferences.
Each of us has been proportioned with our nature and nurture which Allah (swt) has destined for us.
In your case sister, it sounds to me like your attraction for same-sex exists but it may not be as sexual as you think.
When a person desires another, it could be a desire for intimacy, closeness, and validation.
To feel that you want to be hugged and kissed by another woman is not the same as wanting to have sexual intercourse with her.
The love you are looking for may be similar to the love we want through the bond of a mother or sister.
Since this is a complex matter, I would encourage you to seek therapy to process your sexuality more closely. Have hope, sister.
Below are points that can aid you to overcome same-sex attraction.
Client’s motivation and desire to change as well as patience with the process (based on research, the average treatment span for reparative therapy is at least 1 year).
Relying on a higher power to assist and transform SSA.
Working through any sexually traumatic events which have influenced SSA with a therapist.
Attending ‘Ex-gay’ support groups or SSA support groups online.
Avoid SSA behavior and promote heterosexual behavior and romantic experiences.
Establish a healthy platonic relationship with males. Start with men in your family such as fathers, brothers, and uncles.
Visualization of desired goals, future life of healthy marriage or entering Jannah.
May God give you patience and wisdom on your journey!
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.