As time passed, I tried to hide my girly habits and instead act as manly as I could. So, for this sake, I went to a boarding school to live in a manly environment. Well, it helped me to act like a male, but didn’t stop other guys to get attracted to me sexually. I was often subjected to rape attempts. I was always very confused about myself and tried everything to change my girly thoughts to masculine ones.
After 8 years, I realized I can’t handle it anymore and accepted myself as it is. Now, I feel satisfied and happy. I am attracted to males but don’t want to have gay sex because my Lord doesn’t allow me and because I want a normal sexual relationship. I always pray to Allah to keep me safe from gay sex until the end of my life.
Now, the most important question is: if it’s all not natural, why I get these feelings since my childhood? You can imagine how difficult my life is. I continuously pray to Allah to make me either a girl or a boy from inside, too, because I believe Allah can do anything. On the other hand, I decided to live a normal life, marry a girl and do lots of good deeds while staying away from sins like gay sex, and inshaAllah in Jennah Allah will make me a girl and give me my dream guy to marry. Thank you for your help, Allah Hafiz.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• It seems you have higher levels of estrogen; a hormone responsible for female development and feminine energy.
• You have some traumatic experiences with your sexuality and positive male interactions.
• Seek counseling and work through any sexually traumatic events which have influenced SSA with a therapist.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum brother,
It is a difficult journey you are upon. I can understand why you are confused and worried, yet are keeping faith in God’s (swt) mercy. I will start by explaining my understanding of sexuality and how it works, then provide some advice.
Sexuality is something that is shaped and influenced by both nature (our genes and hormone levels) and nurture (the society and our family values). There is no “gay gene” per se, but our biochemistry affects the way we feel, and feelings are involved in our romantic and sexual preferences.
In your case, since you were young, you have felt “girly”. This implies that you had higher levels of estrogen; a hormone responsible for female development and feminine energy. Some males have higher levels of estrogen than the average male. These males are usually labeled as sensitive, girly, or weaker, while women who have higher levels of testosterone, for example, tend to be bigger in build and act more “boyish.” When any of us seem different from the common distribution of male and female construction, we get called names.
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We are seen as different and “odd” since we cannot quite fit into the specific and common understanding of male and female. On top of that, society, school, and even family can play a positive or negative role by labeling us. This, in turn, socially reinforces our unique biological disposition that stands outside the common distribution. If you are biologically male (hardware), yet you are sensitive by nature and more inclined towards the feminine energy (software), that does not mean it is okay or justified to have sex with men or have transsexual surgery.
It is argued whether being “girly” by nature must mean “I am gay” or “I should be a girl.” Allah (swt) Most High makes no mistakes, and everyone has an existential journey that is unique. For some men, for example, they are born with very high levels of testosterone, and they struggle every day with aggression and committing haram sexual acts with women because their sex drive is very high. Despite being in this position, these men, like you, struggle to be loyal to their wives or refrain from haram sexuality.
Each of us has been proportioned with our nature and nurture, and Allah (swt) has destined this for us. In your case, as you mentioned, you do not feel sexually aroused by men. One of the common things I have found with brothers dealing with a journey similar to yours is that they feel they are looking for healthy validation and intimacy with the masculine energy which is often confused with sexuality or romance. Unfortunately, you have some traumatic experiences around your sexuality and positive male interactions.
When I work with Muslim men who struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA), these are usually the common keys that help. I encourage you to look for a therapist in the future who can guide you through this process, in sha’ Allah.
- Client’s motivation and desire to change as well as patients with the process (based on research, the average treatment span for reparative therapy is at least 1 year.)
- Relying on a higher power to assist and transform SSA.
- Working through any sexually traumatic events which have influenced SSA with a therapist.
- Attending ‘Ex-gay’ support groups or SSA support groups online.
- Avoid SSA behavior and promote heterosexual behavior and romantic experiences.
- Establish a healthy platonic relationship with males. Start with men in your families such as fathers, brothers, and uncles.
- Visualization of desired goals, the future life of healthy marriage or entering Jannah.
- Family Support.
Unfortunately, Muslims do not have any specialized support groups for SSA, and this is one of the services I am providing locally when I can. Here is a website that has a list of organizations with great resources for you to review. Join any you feel comfortable with. There are faith-based ones as well.
May God (swt) give you patience and wisdom on your journey. Remember, brother, the goal to get to Jannah, and once we are there, you can wish for whatever you want!
Salam,
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