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Found Out I Am a Second Wife; Please Help Me!

02 August, 2022
Q I’m desperately in need of guidance!

I’ve been married for 1 year now and just 3 months ago my husband told me he’s married to another woman back in his home country and has a child with her.

I felt shocked and betrayed. I first found out about it accidentally when I scrolled through his phone. He lied at first, then some months later told the real truth when I continued to be suspicious. I wished he could’ve told me about it before I made the decision to marry him. Now my trust in him is completely broken.

He told me when he got married to his first wife in 2015, he was not present during the nikkah because he was hospitalized here in Europe. He said he did not give qabol nor the mahr. It was the family that decided the marriage, against his will. He says he doesn't love her and has never done so. But he has at a later point in time made the marriage real by having a child with her. When he's in his home country, they act like a married couple: share a bedroom and share intimacy. Is his marriage islamically valid despite the fact that he did not say qabol and wasn’t present?

I'm miserable being my husband's second wife. I was put in this situation against my will. I suggested to him that he should divorce his first wife if he doesn't love her and if he wants to be with me. But because of his culture and the problems it’ll cause with his family, he says he can’t do it. I’ve said that I can’t accept the situation and feel forced to leave. I don't feel comfortable sharing my husband.

I don’t want to leave my husband. I love him very much. He’s a good man despite the secret he kept from me. But it’s a big burden to me and I see no other solution but to get out of the picture..

Please help me. Any guidance is appreciated!

JazakAllah Khair.

Answer

Having a first wife and a child is significant enough to be discussed prior to entering into a new marriage.

What can you do if you find out that you have signed up for something without seeing the full picture?

Click on the video and listen to Sr. Aisha’s advice for these situations. 

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.