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I’m So Angry at Allah, I Lost My Love for Him

20 November, 2021
Q I am in a lot of emotional pain. I feel that I completely understand all that Allah does and always stand up for my religion, but my heart is still really mad at Allah. I had a very hard childhood.

My mother was severely bullied by her in-laws and has severe depression. She still had to look after my mentally crazy blind grandmother all by herself, in a foreign country, without any help.

My father worked all day, everyday. I was the clumsiest, ugliest child everyone in my life at some point have told me, I have masculine features. I never prayed for myself and was the most caring, selfless and helpful child.

Like I even took a pen from my teacher by accident and cried all night that God will hate me , so I returned it in the morning, when I was 6. I also got severely bullied in school. People made so much fun of me because of my Asian lunches. As a child I have never felt a single person helped me in any way.

I only had one friend ( who stayed quite as well but i had not a single bit of love that i still stayed friends with ) and she died when i was 10 years old.

All this was going on behind closed doors. I couldn't tell my parents cause i could see how hard life was for them. After my Grandmother died my sister got severely sick straight afterwards. My mother then had to take care of her while I stayed at home to care for the others.

My life at one point was like , go to school, then straight to the hospital and talk to a mentally ill sibling for hours and give guidance until like 11:00 pm, then go home and do it all over the next day, everyday for a year.

She is still not well and my parents, from when i was 12 till now, I’m 24, have been focusing on her. As an adult I am still quite clumsy and still ugly.

At weddings women come up to my mother and ask for my sister's hand in marriage but when my mother mentions me they say no, in front of me. It actually breaks me into pieces. It hurts me more when I think that I have never asked Allah for anything and have helped people so much in my life, but that Allah couldn't do that one thing for me. I try very hard but never achieve anything.

So much so that my parents now agree that I have really bad luck. I have such bad mental problems that i have started having gay thoughts, because i have developed such a tough mind, that i feel quite masculine. But my love is so strong in knowing Allah's plan, that I have rejected the thoughts and wont be acting on it.

Do you know how hard that is? To know that you love someone but won't ever be with them, yet i am willing to do this for Allah. I always count my blessings and I now pray and pray and pray that Allah shortens my life because I think I have spent most of my life crying and I can't be fixed.

I just feel like Allah absolutely hates me. I understand that this life is a test, it really annoys me when people mention that he must love me if i am having a hard time. I just don't believe that anymore because I just need one brightness in my life.

I literally have no good qualities. I can't speak or write well, like my siblings cause my father used to tell us not to read so much because we might get bad habits from reading. I thought i was obeying him by following his orders , my sibling disobeyed him and they are better than me now.

I have depression and am not fun to talk to, i have dark skin and spots and have many undesirable qualities in a women, that my sister doesn't have.They are white. I am so easily pleased.

That is why i am so angry at Allah.He should have at least given me some good quality and i would have managed my other hardships.

I don't have a single person in my life that supports me and gives guidance to me and now I feel like the loneliest person in the world because I feel like I have lost the love of Allah. I don't know what to do.

I can't get over this feeling and if I keep thinking like this I know I will end up in hell. Then that gets me really angry and makes me think that it was Allah's plan to make me go to hell and that all the effort that I have put in was a waste.

Please help me, give me proper advice and not the whole Allah love you and be patient ( it's been 24 years).

I have severe emotional problems and am really angry at Allah. Please guide me.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

God does test those people whom He loves most. Prophets, those nearest to God, always had very difficult lives.

Remember, difficulties are to push us to do something better, or find the right solution to something.

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Do read more about low self-esteem. As it is a worldwide problem, you will find many beneficial articles and tips on the topic, biiznillah. 

So, get a notebook and write down all your success you had in your life. 

As you are a very caring sister, volunteering might be beneficial for you. 


Assalamu Aleikom,

Thank you for reaching out for help. 

Your email really touched me sister. You have been through a lot. your mother’s depression due to bullying when you were a child. You are being bullied at school. Your only true friend who died when you were only 10.

Your grandma died, then your sister got severely ill which had a huge impact on your parents. They neglected you. In addition to that, you feel your sisters are better, smarter, and more beautiful than you.

You feel bad about yourself. Also you cannot find success in your life and started questioning why Allah does this to you. 

I truly feel for you sister. I am sorry that you have had to go through such hardships and that as a result you feel like a failure.

Low self esteem poisons your life 

Sister, the traumas you have been through are a lot to carry by yourself. Therefore, I sincerely advise you that you seek help from a counselor in your local area or online (maybe you want to check our counseling service).

I'm So Angry at Allah, I Lost My Love for Him - About Islam

A one to one counseling will help you process these traumas and feel relieved and happy. You live in Ireland. I am sure there are Muslim counselors out there, please do a Google search or ask your mosque, inshallah. 

Sister, these traumas caused you to have a low self esteem. 

Build up your confidence

“Low self-esteem is characterized by a lack of confidence and feeling badly about oneself. People with low self-esteem often feel unlovable, awkward, or incompetent.” (psychalive.org)

However, you need to know that you are not alone sister; there are many other people in the world who feel the exact same way like you.

According to the mental Health Organization, “Nearly one in 10 children and young adult suffer from low self esteem. The cause of low self esteem varies from negligent or uninvolved parents, negative peers, to negative thought patterns and different traumas.”

Do read more about low self-esteem. As it is a worldwide problem, you will find many beneficial articles and tips on the topic, biiznillah. 

In fact Many Muslim suffer from low self esteem and negative thoughts about themselves due to racism and islamophobia. 

Please read these articles on Muslims and racism. It will help you feel that you are not alone with your issues. 

https://www.apa.org/pi/oema/resources/ethnicity-health/asian-american/bullying-and-victimization

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-46425044

I am a convert sister who became a Muslim in her late teens. Before that I was bullied for being fat. Then I was bullied for being that fool to become a Muslim. The peers at school bullied me. My “friends” left me. My parents criticized me. Everything was against me. 

What I learned from that period is that I need to find ways to help myself. 

This aya from the Quran motivates me at hard times to go on and look at hardships as learning points. 

Verily! Allah will not change the condition of a people unless there is a change of what is in themselves. (Surat arRad 11)

This is what you need to do as well sister. You need to find ways to boost your self esteem and believe that you are an amazing person who is able to do anything she wishes. 

One way is getting one to one counseling.

Read inspirational people’s bio 

Another is getting inspiration through those who had a really rough life but became successful despite. Hamdulillah there are a lot of good examples of such people. I found this article that is full of successful people with terrible childhood and many hardships, please read it. 

As Muslims, our first and foremost inspiration is our Prophet Muhammad. Read his life story, or if you have read it already read it again but this time take notes of his hardships. 

Prophet Muhammad was an orphan. He lived in the middle of the desert. Also he had 7 children, all of them died during his lifetime except Fatima. Not only that, he lost his beloved wife and the person who raised him up in the same year.

The most hurtful was when he had to see his uncle Hamzah’s body being horribly humiliated after a battle. His people called him a fool. A magician. They wanted to kill him multiple times. The people of Taif threw rocks on him while he was leaving their city.

What else? Crazy stories, yet he was the Messenger of Allah! The most beloved to Allah!

So why all these hardships? Why did Allah “punish” his own prophet? 

No, the prophet did not endure these moments less lightly just because he was a prophet. There are many hadeeth how sad he felt upon all the death he witnessed. How he cried for Hamzah, how his tears covered his face upon seeing his own children dying, one after another. Horrible! 

In fact, you can read more about the life of the prophets in general. Their life is full of hardship! Being eaten by a wheel, preaching an entire life without followers.  

Why?

We look at hardship in a very negative way. Although if there were no hardship, we would not develop. We would not live the modern, comfortable way we live right now. Difficulties are to push us to do something better, or find the right solution to something.

Our scholar says about hardships: “God does test those people whom He loves most. Prophets, those nearest to God, always had very difficult lives. But don’t look at everything which is painful or difficult as a test, and don’t look at happy, easy things in life as a blessing.

Allah may test you with ease as much as he tests you with hardship. Be patient and think of how God intends to bless you through your hardship, and in that way, even the most difficult situation can be a gift from God if you have the right attitude.” https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/allah-tests-loves/

So easiness and fun times are just tests as hardships. The question is: what you can do about your situation? How can you develop and get through them as the winner?


Check out this counseling video:


Explore yourself

A one to one counseling will help you a lot with boosting your self esteem. Yet, there are some exercises you can do yourself.

One is journaling. It helps you understand your emotions and thoughts. Seeing them on a paper written helps you process them and find solutions. 

So, get a notebook and write down all your success you had in your life. 

Yeah, you do not have any. You said. Do you work? Do you study? So if you fail in anything, how have you passed your exams? How Have you earned your certificates? If you can only fail, how come you have written us such an honest and touching email? 

Then write down all your strengths. Yeah, you do not have any. You said. Well, I would definitely start with caring. Visiting your sick sister almost everyday after school? Mashallah, this is amazing. Isn’t it a strength? Caring for others?

Another is braveness. Do you know how many people have problems yet they do not dare to write to us? They are not brave enough unlike you who decided to seek help.

I would also write Honesty. You wrote an honest message to us about your feelings, your traumas and you dared to be honest with you that you feel upset from Allah. Mashallah, it is a strength to be honest. Many people lie to themselves their entire life. 

Complaining to Allah

About complaining to Allah, there is nothing wrong with that. I found you a beautiful and inspiring article from a brother. You must read it!

He writes: “When I am in pain, I complain. I complain to God, my select group of loving confidants, and my trusted journal, and I consider myself blessed to have this 3-tier support to fall back on with a head full of worries.

My complain is me speaking my truth, and asking for the help I need. By acknowledging and expressing with honesty what my body and heart are experiencing, I find the energy to move on and look for solutions to my problems.”

Strong in faith. I would write that too. You pray and still keep asking Allah. How many Muslims in your shoes would have turned his back toward the deen?! 

Sister, All I can see is a strong sister who is right now struggling to find herself, but whom Allah has been preparing for something big. Use your journal to explore this. Explore yourself.

3 Positive things

You can also boost your confidence and self esteem by writing 3 things down that you feel grateful for the day.

It can be anything small such as having a nice meal, having the sunshine, reading a good book. Journaling your day like this will make you be aware of the good things that happen around you but what your low self esteem tries to hide from you. 

Volunteering

As you are a very caring sister, volunteering might be beneficial for you. 

Here are how volunteering helps booasting your self esteem:

Connect with similar sisters

As I mentioned before Muslims around the world are bulled for their race, their religion. You could overcome your frustration if you connected with these sisters. Inshallah I am confident you will find very good friends among them.

Brave as you were to write to us, be brave to reach out and connect with other like minded Muslims. 

Keep praying to Allah, ask Him to guide you, find your call, your direction. To give you those people that will help you believe that you are an amazing sister whom Allah has been preparing for something big – just as through hardships He was strengthening his prophets for their roles. 

Do not lose hope sister.

We are here for you if you need anything. Please write us back at any time you feel!

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/building-self-esteem-and-self-confidence-for-youth/

https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/5-strategies-to-improve-self-confidence/

https://aboutislam.net/shariah/hadith/this-hadith/tired-life-difficulties-read-hadith/