I am a 19-year-old girl who was in a haram relationship with a Muslim boy also 19, for over a year. We were very close and eventually the boy proposed. Despite this, I suspected something was wrong with relationship itself and in terms of Islam. 6 months ago, I decided to end the relationship and completely blocked off contact with him even though he was not ready and did not want to end the relationship.
After blocking off interaction with him, I started feeling very ill and struggled with sleeping. I thought this was a normal response after the breakup, however, I felt that a jinn was attacking me during my sleep. I was also consistently having intimate thoughts about this boy which were out of my control.
I discussed this matter with a spiritual guide/ imam who confirmed that this boy has done and is still doing shir on me so that I can become bothered. He is doing shir so that I can contact him again for marriage. The imam is currently treating me.
Currently, I am struggling a lot mentally and physically. I am finding it hard to avoid reaching out to this boy again with constant thoughts. I am trying to stay firm for Allah but it is as if I am at war with my nafs. I am also undergoing cognitive therapy and do have some support from family and friends. But I am feeling very depressed and stressed out. I was also feeling suicidal a couple of months ago.
I would love for any advice and support on this matter.
Keep me in your duas and Jazakallah.
Answer
In this counseling post:
- Working with both an imam and a cognitive therapist on your problem is a good approach. However, if you do not feel a strong change in your mood to the positive after some months, seek another therapist.
- Stay close to Allah. He is the only one who can heal you and protect you from evil.
- Stabilize your emotions and shift your focus: use breathing techniques, excercise, spend time in nature and in good company.
Salam aleikom sister,
Thank you for reaching out for help.
I am very glad to read that you have been working with both an imam and a cognitive therapist on your problem. That is a good approach. May Allah release your feelings of depression and stress and heal you from your suicidal thoughts.
Suicidal Thoughts
First, as you mentioned suicidal thoughts, I must say that if at any time you feel like acting on these thoughts, please call the suicidal hotline in your country. They will be a great help to you, inshallah.
Suicidal thoughts are often normal after experiencing trauma. And a breakup can be traumatizing.
Usually, they disappear once the person has successfully stabilized his or her emotions and found more healthy solutions to the problem. However, if your feelings are too strong, please contact the hotline without hesitation!
Therapy
You are enrolled in therapy, yet you wrote us about your problem. This makes me assume that you are not fully satisfied with the results you have achieved so far with these two professionals.
I am not sure for how long you have been working with these helpers, but if you feel your meetings usually bring you a bit closer to the solution and eventual relief, then I would surely encourage you to give them a couple of months.
Sometimes, therapy takes even years, but I would say that after a half-year, if you meet these therapists on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, you should feel a strong change in your mood to the positive.
If not, I would seek help from another therapist. This can happen, as not everyone is able to assist everyone. Yet, surely, face-to-face therapy is one of the most powerful tools to gain understanding about the reasons you cannot feel peace after breaking up with this man.
Magic
There is a possibility of magic, the evil eye, or jinn, but I am not an Islamic scholar; therefore, I cannot really advise you in this case, except to stay close to Allah. He is the only one who can heal you and protect you from evil.
If you say the morning and night duas, remember Allah often, follow the commands of Allah, and ask Him to protect you, then, inshallah, you are on the safe side.
Hamdulillah, you are working with an imam as well, so surely he can help you with this more if you are indeed a victim of magic.
Zina
You wrote that you were in a haram relationship with him; may Allah forgive you both. As you know, it is a major sin:
“And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse, and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds; for those Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [al-Furqan 25:68-70]
Please do not despair! Sister, if you haven’t done so, please repent before Allah for this mistake.
Maybe your case now, with all these emotional roller coasters, is the consequence of zina. Maybe Allah has given you these illnesses of depression and anxious thoughts as a way to purify you from your sins. Allah knows best.
In any case, repent and increase your good deeds to further purify this sin. And remember, sin is part of the human experience. We all sin.
Stabilize your emotions and shift your focus
I am sure you have discussed a lot with your therapist about possible reasons and solutions.
What I would suggest is that you practice techniques that help you stay in the present and help you stop overthinking and getting overstimulated by your thoughts.
These techniques are, for example, simple breathing techniques. Breathe in while counting to 4, then hold your breath for 4, and then breathe out for four. Repeat it a couple of times. This calms down your nervous system and, thus, your emotions.
In addition, sports, physical activity, and being in nature are also great techniques that help us stabilize our emotions and feel better.
Try engaging in them at least 2-3 times a week, even if you are in a depressive mood and do not feel like exercising or going out for a walk.
They will affect your nervous system in a supportive way, which will, inshallah, eventually reduce your feelings of depression.
Quality relationships are another important support element. Please, sister, meet and talk more with friends and family whom you enjoy being with and who you can have fun with.
Further Tips
Also, shift your focus purposefully. When negative thoughts and feelings come, stop them (maybe even imagine a stop sign) and instead start absorbing what is going on around you at that moment.
Use your senses: what do you see, what do you hear, and what do you smell? This will help you calm down and channel your negative thoughts.
Engage yourself in tasks that matter to you. Occupy yourself with getting closer to Allah and fulfilling your aims and dreams.
Inshallah, after your prayers, always turn to Allah. Make dua that He heals you, and makes things easy for you.
I hope I was able to give you some support. May Allah strengthen you, and bring you the man who will fulfill your life.
Amen,
More from Sr. Aya:
- I Want to Start Wearing Hijab; Please Guide Me Through!
- How to Overcome My Fears of Not Having Control?
- I’m So Angry at Allah, I Lost My Love for Him
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