Her sister and I have had feelings for each other for the last 3 years. We have have tried to understand that we shouldn't have these feelings for many reasons. But we fall weak to our temptations. We have been speaking and drawing closer to each other, emotionally.
My wife has suspected something between us, but she is waiting for confession between us. I haven't given it yet as I have children and not sure how this will affect them and our families. Her sister would like to marry me, had I divorced.
My love for my wife had faded, and I feel we become different people until I got close to her sister. We didn't intend to fall in love and didn't see it for what it was early on as we spent a lot of time with each other and spoke to each other a lot. We acted on our feelings.
We understand halal and haram and feel we need to do the right thing and also seek Allah's forgiveness. I would appreciate your help.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
In Islam, it is not lawful for you to marry your wife’s sister.
Have you considered that your wife and your children are not going to be magnanimous and forgiving about your relationship with your sister-in-law?
Had you given that time to your own wife and children– the time you spent in an extra marital affair -, your marriage, which you describe as distant, would have bloomed.
Honestly talk to your wife about what you feel is wrong in your marriage. Make sure, if you are not happy, she is not happy eaither.
Assalamu Alaikum brother,
You are clearly in a difficult position, being in love with your wife’s sister! As for your question, it would definitely be wrong for you to divorce your wife, and leave your children behind for any other woman; let alone your wife’s sister.
It is wrong by all social, moral and religious standards. Imagine your wife’s hurt and pain when she comes to know that her husband is cheating on her with her own sister.
Even if you and your sister-in-law have developed the relationship, mutually and consensually – in the eyes of Allah, it is ultimately your wife and your children who you are responsible towards.
In addition, you may have been able to marry another woman, as Islam allows polygamy, considering you could keep a balance between both of the wives. However, in Islam, it is not lawful for you to marry your wife’s sister.
The evidence of this is clearly mentioned in both, the Quran and the Hadith.
“Forbidden to you (for marriage) are: two sisters in wedlock at the same time, except for what has already passed.” [4:23]
Similarly, according to Hadith,
“It was reported from Abu Hurayrah R.A, that the Messenger of Allah (Sallalhu Alaihi Wassalam) forbade marrying a woman then her paternal aunt, or a paternal aunt then her brother’s daughter, a woman then her maternal aunt, or a maternal aunt then her sister’s daughter, or an older sister then the younger sister, or a younger sister then the older sister.”(Al-Tirmidhi, 1045; Abu Dawood, 1768.)
Keeping in light all these things, I would sincerely advice that you start maintaining your distance from your sister-in-law, and ask her to do the same with you.
Have You Really Considered The Big Picture?
From your post, it seems like you have been too indulgent with your emotions and have not really looked at the practical aspect of things. For instance, have you really thought about what impact this relationship might have on your family, your wife’s family, and especially your children?
Have you considered that your wife and your children are not going to be magnanimous and forgiving about your relationship with your sister-in-law? They have every right to be angry and never want to talk to you again because the betrayal they are about to face is huge!
Understanding “Love”
Brother, to me it seems that you have an inappropriate understanding of love. Love is something that is fostered, not something that we “fall in”.
Had you given that time to your own wife and children– the time you spent in an extramarital affair -, your marriage, which you describe as distant, would have bloomed.
It is understandable that your marriage does not stay as fresh and adventurous once you have children. The mother gets busy taking care of the children and family. However, is this really how you would repay your wife for taking care of your family and your children?
Try defining brother what need of yours your marriage does not fulfill. What is wrong with your marriage? Make sure, if you feel unhappy in the marriage, your wife does just exactly the same.
Wife and husband are like mirrors to each other. This is why it is highly important that you sit down once you both are in a good mood.
Light up candles, do some romantic atmosphere, and pour out all your feelings, the both of you. Listen with an open heart and look for solutions; how could this marriage work? How can you get back that fire you once had toward each other?
Maybe life has become a routine. You do not enjoy intimacy. No excitement. So create it! Arrange the time when you can go out without the kids. Take her out. Or have a romantic night without the kids being at home. Think what you can try.
Every marriage is a work. Every marriage will eventually go through the exact same stages. Do not think for a second with her sister things will “just get better.” You will feel the same fade soon with her too, if you do not work on your marriage.
Do You Really Believe The Sister’s Sincerity?
For me, I would highly doubt the sincerity of person, who is willingly breaking her blood sister’s home and family, for her own advantage. I question whether you can expect loyalty from such a woman in your marriage if you marry her.
Recognizing and Owning Your Responsibilities as a Husband and Father
In your post, you have mentioned that you want to “do right by both women”. It is essential to understand that in this situation, it is not possible to do right by both women. You are going to hurt one of them, either way.
Further, having children – you will have to own up their financial responsibilities whether they live with you OR their mother. They will always be yours to provide for financially; whether or not you have children with your other wife, or not.
Have you considered what will happen to your current wife, where she would live, and depend on financially if you divorce her simply to fulfil your emotional whims?
Life is A Test
Life in this world is a test. Allah SWT tests each of us in various ways. Some with health, some with wealth, some with children and some with their relationship. In the Quran, Allah SWT says
“Verily, We created man from a drop of mingled sperm so that We may test him; and therefore, We made him hearing and seeing. We have indeed showed him the way, now he be grateful or ungrateful. (76:3)
Have you paused to think about whether this is your test in life?
Ask Allah SWT for His Mercy and Guidance
Brother, ask Allah SWT for His mercy and guidance. Ask Him to show you the way to what is right for you and your family. Ask Him for repentance, and protect you from hurting innocent lives. May Allah SWT make things easy for you and guide you to the right way.
May He guide you to what is better for you in this world and in the Hereafter.
Ameen,
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