I married my wife more than 10 years ago. We have two kids. But for some years, her younger sister and I have been in a relationship.
Last year, I married her sister, but my first wife was not aware of this. My plan was to bring her sister here where I live with the spouse visa. But a few months ago, my wife read my notebook and got to know about everything.
She told my parents and her family and pushed her sister to stay in their home country. Then I left home and went back to our home country and lived there for 2 months together with my wife's sister.
No friend or family was with us and suddenly I felt very sick, missing my kids. They were planning to block me so that I won’t be able to see my kids. I ran out of money and I could not find a job.
So, we decided that I will go back to my first wife and kids and forget about her. But I cannot even think without her for a single moment. I tried a lot, but I could not bear being far from her so I went to her and we spent a few days together. Her family does not accept her relationship with me. So it becomes hard for me to communicate with her and I have become more depressed.
I tried everything for the last couple of years, dua, prayer, fasting, but I miss her too much. But without my kids, I feel the same way. I told my wife that it's not possible for me to forget her. I tried my best. But my wife is somehow trying to block her and hope that I will forget her. I lost my friends, family, job, everything.
I want to live with her along with my kids. I got a new job which will start next month, but I do not have the courage to do anything without her. I am so depressed which affects my physical well-being. Most of the time I have low energy. I have been practicing Islam my best for the last 4 years.
I know suicide is not permitted in Islam, but I do not have strength to carry this pain. I am losing my control. I eat only once a day. I do not have any appetite. Is it good to make fake relation with my wife and every day commit sin by talking and meeting her sister? Or it's better to go for a permanent solution?
I do not have the courage to go to a professional in person to seek help, that's why I am writing to you. I cannot concentrate on anything, but I never leave a prayer. Once I lost control and became alcoholic for a few days.
Allah knows better but it's almost impossible for me to live without her or my kids. I beg my wife for a solution but nothing positive has come out. This woman is the girl I have always been looking for my whole life. Please help.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- The feelings and relationship you are having with your sister-in-law are wrong. You should never have been involved with her.
- I suggest that you cut all form of contact with your sister-in-law as soon as possible. You should be true to your wife.
- You are depressed and feeling helpless that’s why you are having suicidal thoughts.
- It would be good if you spoke to a therapist, counselors or someone professional to help you in your situation.
- My advice is that you forget her and start living an honest and lovable life with your wife and your children.
As-Salaam ‘Aleikom,
Thank you for writing to us and sharing your situation with you. I will try my best to advise you the best I can, In sha’ Allah.
Depression
Going through depression and feeling ill about yourself must be very difficult for you. It is not easy to be in a situation like you are in, and I am glad you are asking us for help. We can only advise you, but it is primarily something you will have to sort out yourself. It will take a lot of courage and effort, but you can do it if you really want to keep your family and yourself happy.
Impermissible relationship
First of all, let me get it straight: did you marry your sister-in-law (your wife’s sister) whilst you were still married to your wife? If so, then it is not permissible to be married to them both at the same time because they are sisters. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:
“Forbidden to you (for marriage) are: … two sisters in wedlock at the same time, except for what has already passed” (4:23)
The feelings and relationship you are having with your sister-in-law are wrong. You should never have been involved with her. It is no surprise that your wife is upset about this and that her family is not supporting you in this decision of yours.
Check out this counseling video:
Cutoff
I suggest that you cut all form of contact with your sister-in-law as soon as possible. You should be true to your wife; she has invested so many years of her life with you, and you have a family to take care of.
You are depressed and feeling helpless that’s why you are having suicidal thoughts. You are going through a lot of pain, but you can overcome your problems with right decisions and I am sure that the suicidal thoughts will pass, in sha’ Allah.
Counseling
It would be good if you spoke to a therapist, counselors or someone professional to help you in your situation. Allah (swt) has given you a life and you should appreciate it. Committing suicide would be another sin in Islam.
The believer should be patient and seek help from Allah (swt). No matter how hard your situation is or whatever hardship you are going through, you should never end your own life or even think about it.
‘…and whoever kills himself with something will be punished with it in the Hereafter.” (An-Nasa’i)
Forget and move on
My advice is that you forget her and start living an honest and lovable life with your wife and your children. As you did not say that your marriage with your wife was arranged and/or forced one, I assume you have many reasons you married your wife. Maybe write a list where you write down all the good characteristics you find attractive in your wife.
You have already hurt your wife and broken her trust by going behind her back and having an affair with her sister. It will take some time to build that trust with her, but I am sure that she will trust you again if you really show her that you are still committed to her.
Fake relationship
You asked if you should have a fake relationship with your wife and committing sin or end your life. Both options are wrong and haram. You should always be true to your spouse. If you can’t, then it is better to separate. There is no point being in a marriage if you are going to hurt your partner or be unfaithful. And suicide is not an option at all, as I mentioned above.
The Prophet (saws) said:
“The most perfect man in his faith among the believers is the one whose behavior is most excellent; and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi)
Your family needs you and you need them, so I suggest that you pray to Allah (swt) and seek help. Be true in your prayers and stay away from haram things. Spend more quality time with you family and avoid being alone. Always be surrounded by righteous people and think positive.
Here are a few things you can do to forget about your sister-in-law and live a healthier and happier life:
– Cut off contact with her and never try to reach on to her even if it seems hard to do.
– Get rid of everything that remind you of her such as pictures, clothes, messages etc.
– Tell her to not contact you again, block and delete her telephone number from your phone.
– Sometimes the heart and emotions take control of you, but you have to learn to have control over your emotions. Whenever you think about her, remind yourself that you have a wife who loves you and gave you two wonderful children.
– Keep your mind distracted. Read Qur’an, pray, spend time with your wife and children.
– Value yourself. Allah (swt) has given you a life and you should be grateful. Treat yourself good and have positive thoughts about yourself. Always improve yourself. You are a human being, and human beings do mistakes but do not b too harsh on yourself. Ask for sincere forgiveness from Allah (swt).
– Eat and exercise. Even if you don’t feel like eating, you should make eating habits for yourself. Have set time for when you eat and eat healthily. Exercise regularly as it makes you feel better about yourself and gives you energy. Go for a walk, swimming, running, etc. Only 30 minutes activity per day is fine.
– Allow yourself time. Forgetting someone takes time. Naturally, the brain starts focusing on the here and now. Your brain will do the job for you if you are patient, In sha’ Allah.
You will do no good to yourself, your family, or to anyone else by ending your life. Suicide is not a solution to anything. Instead, start thinking rationally about your situation.
May Allah (swt) ease your problems and give you the strength to live a healthy and halal life.
Amen,
***
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