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I Have Feelings For My Husband’s Best Friend

24 May, 2017
Q As salamu `alaykum. Could you please advise me on the correct path to take? I have been widowed now for over 2 years after 5 years of marriage. I have 4 children the oldest 13 years (from my husband’s first marriage, his mother died when he was 3 years old). The younger ones are 6 & 5 years old. My husband's death left me for a long time mentally unstable, frightened and confused. Many family members helped, but with some, it was the opposite. My husband’s closest friend would sometimes telephone to find out how the children were. He was finding his death difficult and was concerned about them. I spoke to him occasionally on the phone and we met three times when he visited my husband’s family. Over the past few weeks, we have spoken on the telephone more frequently (he did stop calling for 7 weeks), but I then called him to see if he was alright as I was worried. This person is a married man with children, his wife and children are in Pakistan, he is in England running his own business. I have developed inner feelings for him, which I cannot understand as I still really miss my husband and love him so much. I have been approached with a marriage proposal from my husband’s older brother, but I am very dubious about this, as I know his wife would not consent and he is not financially stable. They have had a bad marriage since the beginning of last year. When I visited their country, she was very nasty towards me. My husband's friend has mentioned that I should consider marrying again as he knows how lonely I feel and find times very difficult, he told me to consider my husband's brother as he does genuinely care about my sons. I did call my husband’s friend to tell him that perhaps it was wrong us calling each other and that it should stop as I would be waiting for his calls and that did not seem right. He told me again to think about remarrying and what decision I had made on my husband’s brother which I am negative about, after a deep conversation for 30 minutes the longest ever, before I put the phone down he asked whether he could continue calling me to which I said okay. Could you please advise on the correct path to take? I have started working to keep myself busy and doing an open learning course. I have done Istikharah (prayer for guidance) pertaining to marriage and I have had good feelings for my husband’s friend, but I still feel unsure of my husband’s brother. I have had another proposal, which in my eyes was not genuine, just so they could settle in my country of residence. I consider myself to be very religious. I do namaz (prayers) and the Qur`an. Your advice would be very much appreciated.

Answer

Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
24 May, 2017

Answer:

Salam ‘Aleikom,

Thank you for writing to us. Here are some thoughts for your consideration.

First, Allah Most High knows the feelings of pain and sadness you have experienced due to the loss of your husband. Enduring your grief with patience and prayer is very much in line with how Muslims are enjoined to deal with the loss of loved ones. We encourage you to continue strengthening your relationship with Allah Most High, especially drawing closer to Him when you feel sad and lonely.

Second, while remarriage is always an option, the only one who can know for sure whether she is ready to remarry is you. Having endured such challenging experiences, we suggest strongly that before you consider remarrying, you seek out counseling so that you are able to process feelings associated with the loss of your husband, your present state of mind, and `in sha’ Allah what life will be like should you actually decide to remarry.

You cannot expect to keep your thoughts and feelings bottled up inside and move on with your life without being sure about how your past experiences have impacted and affected you. Please do not delay in seeking counseling,`in sha’ Allah.

Third, no one else can presume to understand your state of mind and more specifically, how your children would receive the news of a stepfather. For the eldest child from your husband’s first marriage, there is great need to be concerned about his development since he has now lost both of his parents at a very tender age. While you are not his birth mother, he is now under your guardianship and we urge you to keep his well-being in mind as well when you consider the options before you.

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Your own children should also be mentally and emotionally prepared to have a step-father. How all of these children have dealt with the loss of their father will predict to a great degree how they will deal with the idea of having a step-father. Please talk to them and help them `in sha’ Allah to share their feelings with you.

Fourth, with regards to your relationship with your husband’s friend, we urge you to break off all contact so that you are neither confused about what you are feeling towards him nor can he prematurely influence you into remarrying him or someone else.

While his concern is appreciated, it is entirely out of order because he is already married and his wife and children are not presently living with him. Even if they were, it would still not be appropriate for him to carry on a relationship with you. Presently, you are talking on the phone with him and have become inclined towards him to the degree that you expect his calls and think about him when he does not call. You are able to tell us with an uncanny preciseness the number of weeks that you did not speak with him one time.

Please do yourself and your children a favor and break off all contact with him. If indeed it is the company you desire to offset your loneliness, seek out righteous and pious sisters in the community who can give you company. Let Allah (swt) be your companion whether or not you find upright sisters. However, continuing to talk to this already married man will only have disastrous consequences should either or both of you become vulnerable to shaytan’s whisperings. Please break off all contact with him today.

Finally, you have a lot to think about regarding yourself, your future, and your children’s future. Please focus on moving on with your life and be there as a mother to your children. Get counseling for yourself and be a friend to your children, in sha’ Allah. Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah (swt) to help you through these difficult times.  

In sha’ Allah, over time, if and when you feel you are ready to marry again, be sure to involve many family and friends whom you trust so that you make a wise decision when you choose your spouse. Keep as well the well-being and interests of your children in mind when you make the decision as to remarriage and whom to marry. Make the Istikhara prayer and seek the guidance and assistance of Allah Most High.

And Allah knows best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

loneliness Bereavement grief Husband's Death Step father Widow love for another man
About Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman had obtained his Masters and PhD in Social Work and has worked in the US as a licensed social worker since then. His focus is on counseling Muslims in non-Muslim countries, with special emphasis on life in North America, counseling adolescents, pre-marital counseling, online counseling for married couples and da`wah (inviting people to Islam).