I noticed him slipping back into his old ways and spending his free time at his brother’s house where there is drinking and women and lots of haraam. I also noticed he started going back to his buddies’ house who also sells drugs and drinks and is involved in haram. He tried to keep it from me but some nights he would come back acting strangely and seemed to be drunk or intoxicated but would swear he was not although he would be more mean then usual and full of anger which is not him. He’s a very gentle and kind person. It seemed the alcohol or drugs really changed him but he has no really good friends so he is constantly being swindled by his buddies to join in on their drinking and haram ways.
Long story short, I recently suspected when he was coming home late one night and he was with his bad friends and apparently one of them had a drunken girl with them that he would be influenced to drink that night because he was out later. I saw his car in the parking somewhere hidden and not at our usual parking spot. I walked to the car to find him with bottles of alcohol and drunk with a naked woman who was also drunk on his lap. He still had his clothes on and I didn’t see them in the act or kissing. He swore that he did not engage in sex with her in any way shape or form and that she was supposed to be dropped off at home but he did not have enough gas to take her there and wanted her to get out but she insisted on staying in the car when his buddies left until he took her to her house despite telling her he’s only driving to his home and nowhere else. So he drove home and she stayed.
I believe sincerely that they did not have sex, but I’m so hurt and don’t know what to do with our marriage. I’m also 6 months pregnant and he has never transgressed me like this before. When he sobered in the morning he explained that he was so shocked at his behavior and couldn’t believe he let her sit in his lap but that he swore in the name of Allah his intention was never to have sex and that he was out of his mind when he didn’t tell her to get off but did not kiss or do anything else but she was an aggressive woman, throwing herself at him. He has cried and repented and we prayed together and he begged me to stay and help him get closer to Allah since I’m the only one who is in his life practicing and he feels so lost and that he will go off the deep end and maybe hurt himself if he loses me.
He only comes home from work now and goes to the masjid praying 5 times a day and seems to have sincerely repented and improved in behavior and everything. I am not very good at forgiving so I don’t know if staying and helping him become a better Muslim is for the best or if I shouldn’t trust him because of how deeply rooted in his mess he was.
I also know he’s a good person who gave me so much love and the father of my son but I’m afraid of things going bad again. I just don’t know if I can ever heal from it and trust him again or continue being with him and not always wondering what he could be doing. What should I do if he seems to be sincerely making major life changes and told his friends and brothers he won’t be seeing them again verbally which he has never done?
In this counseling answer:
• It is time to sit down with him and talk seriously about this matter. You both have to make some ground rules for what you can and cannot do.
• Now that he has started going to the mosque and praying 5 times, I think you should give him a chance. You do not have to trust him blindly as trust takes time to earn. But you can tell him that you believe in him and that he can be a better Muslim.
• Pray with him and surround yourself with righteous people.
As Salaam Alaikum Sister,
I am glad you wrote to us about your concern. I will try to assist you the best I can, inshAllah.
First of all, your husband has had a brought up and family background that is not very Islamically influenced, and this is making him confused sometimes when he meets his family members. I am sure that he is a good person and that he loves you and his child, but sometimes it can be hard to live with a person who is not on the right path and not on the same wavelength as yourself when it comes to faith (religion). It is really good that you are practicing Islam, and that you have tried to make your husband a better Muslim, you will get a reward for that, inshAllah.
Alcohol, drugs & girls
If you are saying that he is kind and gentle but has been out of control and been angry on some occasions after coming home late. This is a big indication that he has been involved in some drug or alcohol or both. You know your husband and can easily sense when something is unusual, trust your institution, it is usually correct.
Alcohol and drugs can act on brain mechanisms that cause a high-risk individual to engage in aggressive and violent behavior. You do not deserve to live with a person who is not reliable. His bad behavior and habits are not only affecting you but will also affect your child and your child to be. You are still very young and should talk to your family about it, your mother or father about the issues. Do not feel alone about it.
He should not drink in the first place and if his friends are bad then he should stay away from them. This girl in his car was completely out of line, and whatever excuses he is making are just lies. It takes two people to engage in a haram act, even if he did not have intercourse with her, he has still done something very wrong.
Allah has said in the Qur’an that using intoxicants, amongst other things are hateful acts of Satan, and has commanded us to keep away from it. He said:
‘’Satan only wants to cause between you animosity and hatred through intoxicants and gambling and to avert you from the remembrance of Allah and from prayer. So will you not desist? (5:91)
The reason it is commanded to stay away from it is that it results in loss of self-control. Like you said, your husband is normally never aggressive and mean, but when he has used drugs or alcohol he really acts differently. It is a loss of self-control; he is not himself.
Intoxicants make you do things you would normally not want to do. Allah has given you the willpower to choose what is right and wrong for yourself, but when you are drugged down, you lose that ability to do so. Your husband is damaging himself and his family by indulging in alcohol and drugs.
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Communicate openly and firmly
You have already helped him a lot through his rough time. I think it is time to sit down with him and talk seriously about this matter. You both have to make some ground rules for what you can and cannot do.
This also means what people you can meet and not meet, even if it means that he has to stop seeing his brothers for some time. Bad company does influence you, no matter how good you are. You both have a child and are going to have another baby in 3 months, inshAllah.
It is important that you tell him that he needs to change himself or you will have to come with a serious conclusion. Now that he has started going to the mosque and praying 5 times, I think you should give him a chance. You do not have to trust him blindly as trust takes time to earn. But you can tell him that you believe in him and that he can be a better Muslim.
Pray with him and keep him away from bad company.
Remind him that he has a son who will look up to his father and will follow his footprints. No father wants his son to go in the bad direction no matter how he is himself.
Meet new people who practice Islam, and engaged him with good activities that will keep him busy, so he will not have time to meet his bad friends and brothers. You should help him because he is the head of your house and whatever he does will affect you and your family. If he does good then it will be good for you as well, and his bad habits can ruin whatever you have built with him.
I am sure he will change and become a better Muslim if he stays away from bad company.
May Allah guide him to show him the right path,
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