There seems to be no apparent reason. I speak to guys and they seem to really like me but they won't commit.
However I have stayed in touch with a few of these guys because they are nice, kind people, good to talk to. At heart I think I hope that they'll change their mind and marry me. So I want to keep the options open. I have tried multiple times to stop the conversation completely but I go back right to my old ways.
I sometimes meet them for a while as friends. When I say zina, I mean constant texting, talking over calls and sometimes meeting. None of it includes anything of a sexual nature but I'm aware that this still counts as zina.
I don't know what to do. I often turn to inappropriate content to manage my feelings. I feel very lonely and desperate and now have given up on marriage. I read namaz but not able to focus.
I feel guilty but I do not make any significant effort to reform. I have stopped making dua because I feel like I am not worthy enough. I pray only as a task.
And now even when I repent, I know that it is not sincere because I'll just do the same thing two days later so it feels very hypocritical and a big sinner. Please make dua for me and help me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- The issue is not with your needs, but that you currently have no healthy or meaningful way to channel them, which makes coping difficult. This can lead to habits you regret later.
- Thinking you must stop praying or making du’a is not coming from Allah. His door is always open, especially for those who feel broken, ashamed, or lost.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for your letter. I am truly sorry for your situation, and I want to begin by clarifying a few things. I am not a scholar but a counselor, but it seems to me that there are some misunderstandings that may be causing you unnecessary guilt.
Feeling Lonely Is a Normal Response
You are in your mid-thirties and you are alone. So, it is completely normal, understandable, and human to want a relationship — to want connection, companionship, and a partner to share your life with. There is nothing wrong or shameful about that. This desire is natural. We are not meant to be alone.
So, in the light of this, it makes perfect sense that you would want to keep certain contacts alive to cope with this need, and not feel lonely, even if they don’t have much real hope of becoming something meaningful.
I want to mention something about zina. Zina in a legal sense means having a sexual relationship outside of marriage. And the Quranic prohibition “And do not come near to zina” is interpreted as a command to avoid all paths that could lead to it. This includes actions like looking, talking, touching, etc. in a way that will lead to it. But this does not mean talking, looking in general; the content and the intent matters a lot.
You have said that you did not engage in anything like that with these persons, so you should not feel guilty or ashamed for something you have not done, and Allah knows best.
On the other hand, adult content is not permissible, and we should not engage in this habit. It is harmful for the heart, the mind, and the soul. Especially developing addiction can lead to further issues, spiritually and emotionally.
But I also understand that these behaviors come from a very natural place: your desire for intimacy, emotional connection, and romantic partnership. These needs are entirely human and completely normal, also that you try to avoid feeling lonely.
The issue is not the need itself — the issue is that you currently have no healthy or meaningful way to channel that need, which makes coping difficult. This can lead to habits you regret later.
Feeling Lonely
What you need is not to get rid of the desire, but to find healthier ways of coping with it — ways that do not make you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself.
Regarding the men you keep in contact with, I understand why you hold on to these connections. But consider whether keeping contact with people who have no real future with you might be preventing you from putting effort into finding someone who could truly match you.
If you haven’t explored your options for finding a spouse or a real partner, it might help to talk with a counselor or someone you trust about your possibilities, your challenges, and your strengths.
And I also want to tell you something very important.
I truly understand that out of guilt you may feel unworthy of making du’a, praying, or asking Allah for help — as if you do not deserve His mercy, and as if you are being hypocritical. But sister, Allah knows what is in your heart. He knows your struggles. These feelings of guilt and heaviness are actually signs of a heart that still cares and wants to return.
Human beings always struggle, and make errors, in many forms. But Allah never told us in the Qur’an to stop asking Him just because we did something wrong. He knew we would make mistakes. Yet He never told us to give up seeking His forgiveness, mercy, and guidance.
Thinking you must stop praying or making du’a is not coming from Allah — it is something your own mind is telling you. Allah’s door is always open, especially for those who feel broken, ashamed, or lost.
So, again, please seek support to deal with these fears and worries and explore other perspectives you find easier to live with.
May Allah make everything easy for you,