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My Husband Wants Second Wife Out of Guilt

28 April, 2021
Q Salam dear counselor. I need some advice. I have been married to my husband for two months. We live in a non-Muslim country. I knew my husband for more than 5 years prior to marriage, but now I don’t know about my feelings toward him. He has been cheating on me with a non-Muslim woman for over two years. I discovered that when we started living together. He has been lying to me; he committed adultery with this woman and forced her to abort before our marriage. Now, he is telling that he is going to marry her whether I like it or not. He even asked me to meet her. His reasons are that he feels guilty for what he did to her. He is attracted to her sexually and she is supporting him financially. Please, I don’t know what to do. How to be with my husband like this? Thank you.

Answer

 


In this counseling answer:

When a husband cheats on his wife and wants to marry his mistress as his second wife, the counselor advises the wife to reflect on the experience and see what she can take from the past to make her future better and come out of it as a content person.


As-Salaamu ’Alaykum sister,

This is certainly an unfortunate circumstance you are facing. Ultimately, you must make a decision but first, let me provide you with different options in sha’ Allah.

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Option 1: You stay with your husband.

In reality, you have been cheated on despite your husband’s current intentions of marrying the woman he has been in an affair with. Is this something you can live with? Is your husband the type of man who values commitment and honor? You said he is marrying his mistress because “he feels bad.” Where was his sensitivity for you? Could he realistically have two wives regardless now whether you agree with it or not? Can you live and adapt to this situation?

From a positive perspective, your husband is evolving from a man who is committing zina (fornication) to a man with two wives. Marrying his mistress may not be the best of solutions, but it is better than continuing to cheat. God knows best. Despite your husband’s violations of trust, do you feel you can work with him and have a future? If you choose to stay with your husband, you must seek some personal support, therapy, or family help to reconcile the adultery. This will be a necessary step to cope and have a chance at staying married.

Option 2: You decide to leave your husband.

If you feel the marriage has been ruined and damaged beyond repair, or if you simply have no desire to continue with a man who betrayed you and, in your case, wants to marry the one he betrayed you with, a divorce would not be as frowned upon if you choose that path.

Since you have children, divorce is a more difficult option to make, of course, and you will need to assess thoroughly your practical circumstances such as living situation, education, finances and opportunities to work or go back to the family.

Ultimately, moving forward with either option is going to be difficult and require healing. You must choose what is best for you and your children.

If you need to forget about his zina and live with him, then do what you need to put the experience behind you: connect with God, family and friends, get therapy, meet new people, join a help group, start or revisit a hobby, and take some time to travel or visit family.

If you need to forgive, use the same resources with your intention and motivation to move on.

I cannot give you any specific answer. The only specific advice I would offer is to learn from the experience. By all means, don’t dwell on it, don’t ruminate, and don’t beat yourself up. After some time has passed and some of the pain has healed, take a moment to reflect – either by yourself or with the help of a friend.  See what you can take from the past to make your future better and come out of it a better person. I hope this advice and your own integrity and moral character can be guided to choose what is best for you, your children, and your life here and the next,

Amin,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting