He prays 5 times a day. He's a perfect husband and brilliant father to my daughter, but he has a flaw which I can't understand. He used to chat with this girl prior to our marriage. She was from Malaysia and was also married.
I confronted him about her but he reassured me it was nothing to worry about as it was before we got married. I've been married for nearly 4 years now and he has still been talking to this woman on and off.
Every time I find out it's in such a miraculous way because I start feeling uneasy in my life that seems to be going great but something feels out of place. Recently again I randomly saw his phone open and saw messages to this woman again.
He had messaged her things like "I would like to see your recent photos, I respect you as a best friend for years," "I've been calling you and video chatting you". I have confronted him before but he's always made me out to be crazy and nosey in front of his family.
He knows how much I despise his contact with this woman. I just don't understand how he cannot respect me and my feelings when it's easy for him to respect her. I'm truly hurt and feeling broken.
After marriage, I moved from UK to Pakistan just for him. Now I don't know what to do. Am I crazy? Sorry for such a long message I just can't get my head straight with all this.
In this counseling answer:
You can begin by strengthening your own relationship without focusing on what you feel is going on between her and him.
Try to avoid being suspicious and looking for evidence for this contact between your husband and this woman. He will become defensive, and this may only push him away even more.
Get closer to Allah (swt) together so that he may realize the error in his behavior for himself without you seemingly have to ‘nag’ him about it.
If he becomes aware of it himself, he is more likely to change that if he feels you are always on his back about it. You can do this by, for example, reading Qur’an together.
You might also ask someone close to him to address the issue with him. This might make him more aware of the potentially dangerous consequences of his behavior.
Alhamdulillah, it seems that you have a good husband on many counts. But you are right to be concerned about your husband’s behavior with this other woman because any contact with this woman is haram.
Sure, the contact is online; thus, they do not meet face to face, they do not have any physical contact either, but this does not make it permissible.
Man and woman contact
Contact between a man and woman without a mahram present is not permissible. This extends to the phone and online contact as much as face to face contact.
It is something to worry about because in such cases Shaytan can easily get the better of the two parties tempting them to take things a step further and destroy any existing marriages. Shaytan likes that!
It is understandable, therefore, why you feel concerned about his behavior with her. Maybe currently there is no pressing concern, but Shaytan can intervene anytime and turn this seemingly harmless friendship into something more sinister very quickly in an attempt to kill both your marriage and the other sisters too.
At the same time, however, try to avoid being suspicious and looking for evidence for this contact between your husband and this woman. He will become defensive, and this may only push him away even more.
This can be very difficult when you know that he does talk to her and how Shaytan could, indeed, interfere and take things a different way. However, being suspicious of him will only heighten difficulties with your husband as he may make any contact with her even more secretive. This would only make things even easier for shaytan.
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Strengthen your relationship
To make this task easier for yourself, you can begin by strengthening your own relationship without focusing on what you feel is going on between her and him. Focus on the positives between you for now.
Appreciate the goodness in each other without being distracted by what he has or maybe talking about with her. Take time to do things together, just the two of you. Have fun together doing the things you enjoy together.
Get closer to Allah (swt) together so that he may realize the error in his behavior for himself without you seemingly have to ‘nag’ him about it. If he becomes aware of it himself, he is more likely to change that if he feels you are always on his back about it.
You can do this by, for example, reading Qur’an together. He is a hafiz, so perhaps you could ask him to assist you or work with you to improve your own recitation or memorization skills. You could study Islamic topics together or watch Islamic lectures together that might take you both on a journey closer to Allah (swt) together.
As his fear of Allah (swt) grows, he will desire less to do things that Allah (swt) does not like such as talking to this other woman.
Involve a third party
It might be that you also ask someone close to him to address the issue with him. This might make him more aware of the potentially dangerous consequences of his behavior. Ask someone whom you feel he may be more responsive to, perhaps a friend or family member.
During this time, continue to pray to Allah (swt) to guide your husband on the straight path and away from the behavior he is currently engaged in.
May Allah (swt) guide him on the straight at and give you the strength and patience to help your husband step away from his current actions.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.