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I Want to Get Over Him; What to Do?

21 August, 2022
Q I'm trying to get over a man who wasn't interested in me but I was interested in him and still am. He came after many years of no prospects whatsoever (my age is quite prohibitive to a Muslim marriage at this stage). I have prayed for guidance and I also try to keep busy with many different activities. My friends are busy with their husbands and don't have time to listen to the disappointments of a middle-aged woman (I know you are going to suggest that I talk to my lady friends about marriage, but these types of discussions don't occur in my age group and community). Unfortunately, my parents do want me around to take care of them, so they're not sympathetic about my sadness.

As this interaction was a unique and one-time experience after a long time, I'm finding it hard to manage my disappointment, and I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about this man. How do I use my faith to avoid ruminating, to avoid obsessing, and to avoid unrealistic wishing and hoping? I'm really struggling with this and with acceptance of Allah's decree for me.

Answer

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for sharing your struggle. I feel sorry for your sadness, sister.

You write that you had a unique and one-time interaction with a man after a long time. You are still interested in him, but he is not, unfortunately. Now, you are trying to get over him and stop thinking about him and ruminating.

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I understand it and I know that it could be very hard to cope with this rejection, especially if it happens after a long time. 

Your letter reflects emotional maturity, masallah, and real attempts to get over him by keeping yourself busy with other things and by wanting to avoid unrealistic wishing and hoping.

It seems to me that in your “mind” you have realistic expectations about the situation.

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But in your “heart”, emotionally, it is hard for you to cope with it and let it go

I understand your sadness, and also that somehow you lack support as you feel that your friends do not have time to listen to you and your parents do not want you around.

Do Not Lose Hope

I am also aware that at your age, the issue of getting married is a bit more complicated. It is a bit complicated, but not impossible. 

There are many Muslim men who, for some reason, are unmarried, divorced, or have lost their wives and are looking for a new partner. And they might have the same need and desire for companionship and intimacy as you.

Maybe not right in your neighborhood, but somewhere else. You do not state where you live, whether in a Muslim or a non-Muslim majority country, and how the community around you is. Have you considered online marriage search options? Check out this one.

I know that after years of solitude and longing for a partner, you may feel that there is no hope. Or that you might ponder why Allah chose you for this path to be alone.

You might not see any possibilities out there, or you have had negative experiences, for example, with online or face-to-face searching.

Love and Be Loved

The desire to love and be loved is so natural, yet some people are tested with delay or sometimes with a complete absence of experiencing a relationship.

And indeed, it is a huge test. And when we are tested, our faith and willingness to focus on Allah’s guidance are tested.

I think it would help you if you could fully and wholeheartedly accept the Qadr of Allah, whatever it is. Trust in His wisdom. If He chose years of solitude for you, try to see it as an opportunity, not as a loss.

Try to see what you can gain and how you can grow spiritually as a result of being alone.

Allah is The Delayer of events, and He surely delays affairs for the right time when you are fully prepared for that.

Look at these moments of solitude as an opportunity for inner growth, as a unique possibility to not be distracted by anyone in your relationship with Allah and in your worship.

Was He Meant for You?

Regarding this particular man, you do not detail the relationship with him, and I do not know whether his disinterest is final or not. If it is, try to accept that it was not meant for you.

You might have accepted it in your mind, but how can you accept it in your heart?

Well, you do not have to give up on the desire for love and being loved.

It seems to me that this unique and one-time experience has more significance in your struggle. I think that your “rumination, obsession, and unrealistic wishing,” as you call it, is probably because of the interaction itself, because it happened after a long time.

This unique experience, and until now, the last one, surely gave you hopes and dreams. Maybe that is why you find it hard to manage your disappointment.

It is also a common reaction that when you are lacking companionship, you are trying to fulfill this gap inside. So somehow, these ruminations and obsessions are quite normal, as you indeed need someone who you love and think about.

What you can do is to detach your emotions from this man. Change your perspective and see him and his role from another angle. 

You may not miss him, but the companionship and love you are longing for. And he was the last significant person in your life who could embody these desires. He is probably not as important as the moments and sentiments you would like to experience next to someone.

In other words, focus on these feelings and try to write them down. What are you longing for?

Channel Your Feelings

What you can do is to transfer this energy and these feelings into other relationships.

First and foremost, into the love of Allah. Try to love Him wholeheartedly and turn to Him with all your hopes and desires. This spiritual connection is indeed an opportunity to grow.

Find a type of worship you most like. If you like to study the deen, then go and take some courses. If you enjoy recitation, then decide that you should improve your Arabic, for example. If you find peace in the masjid, then increase your worship there.

If you want to discover what kind of spiritual practice would fit you best, check out this quiz.

Find Those Who Need Your Love

The other option is to channel these energies into other relationships that are not romantic ones

You said that your parents do not want you to take care of them. But maybe there are other people who would love to have you around.

What you can also do is to find a place where you can turn your love into some voluntary action.

It is up to you, choose what you feel is closer to your heart. Whether they are children, some people in need, the poor, the elderly, whatever.

The important thing is that you take care of them and show your care and love for them.

You will see that you can find real companionship in this world and not necessarily in a romantic relationship. In these interactions, you will learn and grow in sha Allah.

Also, make dua and ask Allah to send you a partner when you are ready for that. Just let it happen what has to happen and make peace with whatever your destiny is.

Counseling

You can try counseling as well, if you think that there are some underlying reasons for the lack of opportunities. You might work on these issues with a specialist who will help you uncover them.

I hope, my dear sister, that these tips can help you overcome this struggle.

May Allah help you with it.

Read more from Orsolya Ilham O.:

Not Ready for Marriage, But in Love with Him

I Don’t Feel My Husband Loves Me

Iꞌm Feeling Guilty For My Thoughts; Please Help!

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About Orsolya Ilham O.
Orsolya Ilhaam Oszter holds a BA degree in Communication and Manager in Public Relations, with a specialization in Andragogy. She completed her studies in the BSc Psychology department of International Open University, where she also studied Islamic sciences. She obtained certificates in Islamic Counseling and Islamic Marriage Counseling. Previously she worked in a client-centered atmosphere; currently, as a translator, counselor, and content creator related to Islam, counseling, and psychology. She is a mother of 2, lives in Spain, and aims to serve the Umma through Islamic counseling and psychoeducation.