I am in a long distance relationship with a married man. He has 2 kids. At first he didn't tell me that he is married. When I found out he is married I was already in so much love with him that I couldn’t get out of this relationship.
It's been a year now he told me he doesn’t love his wife at all. He tried his best but he couldn’t love her. He respects her as she is the mother of his kids but can't love her because they don't have a good bonding. They fight a lot.
Now he said he will divorce his 1st wife and marry me and I can only marry him if he can leave his 1st wife so can I directly make dua to Allah to get him as a husband in my life and hereafter.
Is it acceptable to make dua directly to Allah to get him?? Please answer my question thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Allah is the only one who can answer your dua so you can always take any matter to Him, including the matter you are facing now.
Realize that since you have fallen in love with him you will likely have a hard time separating yourself from this and taking a step back to look at things objectively.
Getting support from a close friend could be useful here as they are not emotionally attached to this man.
Be aware that he has been very dishonest with you to this point and therefore his trustworthiness is questionable.
Similarly, you are only hearing his side of the story so don’t know for sure what is going on in his marital home.
Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in his wife’s shoes.
Whichever way this goes, someone is going to get hurt, whether it be you, or his wife and kids.
It’s a lot to think about and it would be a good time to take a break from it all in making a decision about how to move forward.
Assalamu alaikum,
Of course you can pray directly to Allah for anything. Afterall, He is the only one who can make these things happen.
However, you also should do this keeping some things in mind.
Looking deeper
You have now developed strong feelings for this man to the point that you desire to marry him.
As a result you must keep in mind that if you look for Allah’s guidance through istikhara it will be very easy for you to read into the situation incorrectly.
You may be blinded to the truth that is right in front of you because you so desperately desire for things to work out.
As a result, of course you should take the matter to Allah, but just be cautious about how your own feelings could get in the way.
Questionable honesty
He had a relationship with you whilst he was already married.
This immediately raises red flags as to his credibility as a husband.
He loves his current wife enough to marry her and have children with her, so what’s to say he’s not capable of doing the same to you further down the line?
His behaviour has been very dishonest from the very start of your relationship so I would ask you to consider very hard whether this is the type of man you would truly like to marry and could bring you the happiness that you long for and deserve.
You don’t see what is going on behind closed doors.
He tells you that things are not going well with his current wife and maybe they are not, or maybe this is just what he wants you to hear.
After all, would you agree to marry him if things were going well with his wife?
The fact is that you are only hearing one side of the story, and that’s his.
Perhaps behind closed doors she is feeling perfectly content in the relationship and they are living a happy relationship together.
Additionally, the fact that he is sharing proofs of their relationship difficulties is concerning.
Firstly because he has control over what you see. You inky see a snapshot of their relationship, and he is choosing to share the worst bits with you.
Furthermore, it is not his business to be sharing his relationship difficulties with anyone else.
These are matters that should be kept in the family home, or with those with whom they are choosing to confide in as a couple, whether it be family, friends or a Counsellor.
How would you feel?
Regardless of how things are between them, try putting yourself in his wife’s shoes.
She is likely unaware of any relationship that is going on between her husband and you, or she may have suspicions.
Either way the outcome will be devastating for her. Imagine how it would feel to learn that your husband had been having an extra marital affair behind your back to which you had no knowledge.
This will surely send her into great depression as well as the 2 children whose lives will be affected too.
As someone who has reported here that you are feeling depressed about the current situation, ask yourself if you would wish that feeling in anyone else.
Get support
As well as taking the matter to Allah, you could consult with those close to you about the situation who will be able to give you honest advice regarding this man.
As people who don’t have any attachment to him they will be better able to advise based on a neutral perspective, not clouded by feelings towards him.
Such people will be able to advise you from a more rational perspective and perhaps give advice on aspects of the situation that you are currently unable to see.
This support will be necessary if you choose to step away from this relationship.
You stated that you can’t get out of this relationship because you are so in love with him and it’s very important that you realise that you can get out of this relationship if you choose to.
It won’t be easy, and will likely leave you feeling even worse for a short time, but with the support of others the process will be a lot easier.
Learn from this lesson
As much as you probably don’t want to hear this right now, it is important that the matter is made clear and in line with Islamic values.
Having a relationship like this outside of marriage is not acceptable in Islam and the heartbreak that you are facing now is the very reason why this is the case.
Whether you knew this or whether you didn’t, there is no way to take back what has happened.
However, you can learn from this mistake and make sure not to end up in this situation again.
Check out this counseling video:
Take a break
This doesn’t necessarily mean a holiday as such (although it can if you want!) mean.
With all these things in mind, now might be a good time for you take a break from this man.
And really consider the situation you’re in and whether it is worth pursuing this relationship further, or whether it is time to cut things off.
Only you can make this decision, but it is important that you consider all aspects of the situation beyond your feelings.
Think of the practicalities of the situation as well as everyone else involved also.
Try to take a step aside from your emotions and consider your options rationally.
Think about the consequences of the possible paths you could take. Think about which options will be most pleasing to Allah.
During this period, its also important that you refrain from any contact with him too.
This will make it easier for you to keep yourself at least somewhat separated from your feelings towards him and perhaps be less influenced by him.
This will also be a good opportunity to focus on yourself and what you want for yourself. Spend this time focusing on things other than your relationship also.
This might help you in taking a more rational approach as you become more connected with your own needs and interests and ways to achieve them that don’t involve this man.
Take as long as you need during this break. Don’t rush yourself or allow him to contact and pressure you either.
This break is about focusing on you and it may take some weeks. If he is serious about you, then he will respect you and your space.
Summary
Allah is the only one who can answer your dua so you can always take any matter to Him, including the matter you are facing now.
You must however be aware of some very important points as you do so.
Realise that since you have fallen in love with him you will likely have a hard time separating yourself from this and taking a step back to look at things objectively.
Getting support from a close friend could be useful here as they are not emotionally attached to this man.
Be aware that he has been very dishonest with you to this point and therefore his trustworthiness is questionable.
Similarly, you are only hearing his side of the story so don’t know for sure what is going on in his marital home.
Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in his wife’s shoes.
Whichever way this goes, someone is going to get hurt, whether it be you, or his wife and kids.
It’s a lot to think about and it would be a good time to take a break from it all in making a decision about how to move forward.
May Allah guide you to what is right and most pleasing to Him.
May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
Salam,
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