Answer
In this counseling answer:
The counselor advises the sister to explore what is missing from her current marriage that has led to the breakdown of trust and commitment. The counselor also explains how making Allah (swt) our focus instead of our spouses or love interest will inevitably improve our marriages and bring us closer to our spouses.
Wa `Alaykum As-Salam dear sister,
Thank you for your question. Your question is surely a concern that many individuals have, so I commend you for your courage to be true to yourself and for being honest.
Besides being a question, your statement “need to marry my first love” is very powerful. Love is definitely a sentiment that cannot be measured and for some cannot be explained with words. It is expressed and manifested in thousands of ways all over the world.
Reading your story, it seems that your first love was someone that you truly cared for and have not been able to forget. For various reasons you and your first love lost touch with each other and the both of you have moved on and you all have now reconnected and rekindled a relationship. You stated that you would like to divorce your current husband in order to marry him.
There are several salient points that I would like to make that I think will be helpful for you in deciding what you would like to do and what is the best decision for you to make.
First off, it seems that you were dating your first love for a very long time and that the two of you shared something very special for this emotional attachment to still be present. How did you lose contact with your first love? What happened? I feel that based upon your statements there is more and very important pieces to this story that have been left out.
Second, you have been married for twelve years. How is your relationship with your current husband? Was this an arranged marriage? Do you love your current husband? Have you fallen out of love with your current husband? What is the basis of your marriage?
It is very important to be true to yourself and to others. Part of this process is truly acknowledging who we are and how we impact and affect the lives of other people. Although you are still in love with your first love, 12 years ago you made a spiritual commitment in front of Allah (swt) to marry and be committed to your current husband.
What does this mean? This means that there are certain rights and obligations that your spouse has over you, and at the top of the list is showing respect for your spouse and acting in a manner that shows a personal respect for their feelings and well-being and acting in a dignified manner.
Part of acting in a dignified manner includes valuing yourself and having a sense of self-worth that inspires you to act in a dignified manner. As a result, these salient factors highlight why infidelity is forbidden in Islam.
What many individuals do not realize is that there are various forms of infidelity. The various types of infidelity include sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, online infidelity, and pornography. It seems based on your story that in the case of your marriage you are engaging in emotional infidelity.
Emotional infidelity is defined as falling in love with a person or having serious feelings towards someone outside of your marriage. Emotional infidelity is a type of infidelity that often leads to complete breakdown in the trust in a marriage, and also leads to sexual infidelity because there is an inherent and strong desire to be with a person physically when you are in love.
You stated in your question that “the old love was rekindled and I do not want to be in zina”. It seems that you have already stepped outside the bounds in terms of the criteria of Islamic etiquette with a man as a married woman.
This goes back to your original statement that you lost touch with each other and the reality that love is love and cannot be measured. However, we do know it when we see it. As human beings when we find the love we hold on to it for dear life and it often becomes one of the main focuses of our lives.
As a result, I would advise you to proceed with caution before making any lasting decisions that you may regret later, as both you and your husband share children, which means you have to think of how your decision is going to impact their lives as well.
Consult with a counselor, therapist or social worker that is local in your area that both you and your husband can see together and then individually to explore what is missing from your current marriage that has led to the breakdown of trust and commitment.
Your statement that you have been able to rekindle a relationship with your first love while still being married tells me that there is also a breakdown in communication and emotional intimacy between you and your husband.
A great reminder that all of us often need is the importance of building a personal relationship with Allah (swt) and how making Allah (swt) our focus instead of our spouses or love interest. The focus will inevitably improve our marriages and bring us closer to our spouses.
Take this time to reflect on what you feel is the right decision for you to make at this point in your life. What is important to you? How do you define happiness? What are you committed to? I would also advise you to research what Islam says about marriage and the rights both spouses have over each other in protecting each other from harm emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc.
As a responsible adult, take proper steps to protect your physical health and protect yourself from the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases. As you have mentioned that you love this man so much that you are willing to be a second wife. There are certain implications as far as your physical health and precautions you should take to avoid any possibility of spreading of disease when individuals have more than one sexual partner.
I hope this information was helpful. I truly commend you for your courage to be honest and to seek help and advice in coming to the right decision. I hope you have an opportunity to take the time to reflect on what is truly important to you, and as things evolve I hope the direction you should go becomes clearer.
Best wishes,
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