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Want to Get Rid of My Abusive Husband

25 October, 2017
Q Salam Alaikum. I am married for 4 years. My husband and I had a love marriage, but still I feel we don’t know each other. I live in a joint family system. Before our wedding, my husband used to say we would have lots of kids, but suddenly on the wedding night he said he did not want kids. In his family, everyone was having kids. I didn’t argue until 6 months, when everybody started asking about the baby. I always satisfied my husband. He wanted anal sex or blowjob, I did. I told him many times that this was haram, but he said he had a book which said it was not haram. Even in Ramadan during fasting, he wanted to have sex. In Islam we can’t say no to the husband, but I told him that we were fasting and we should not have sex. But he said again he would show me that book. I always fulfilled his desires, but he never satisfied me. He never took me out. After living in a joint family, I was tired and jealous because all the couples I knew were enjoying going out and having kids. Then later on, after 6 month, I started arguing every night for having a baby. Then I started seeing many texts in his cell phone. He was having an affair with a rich girl. I found out he had relationship with her for one and a half year. He stopped talking with me, stopped sleeping with me. He used to talk with her the whole night. He told me he would divorce me and marry that girl. After many fights, I came to my mom’s place and started working. Then he came and apologized for all what he did to me. I went back to him after 6 months. He said he would give me a baby. But then when I moved back, he said he would not give me. But I conceived after 3 years of my marriage. He was very unhappy. He gave me 24 tablets of 400mg for abortion. I wanted this child, but I didn’t have any support from my family, so I ate those tablets, but they didn’t work, however, my condition was very serious due to those tablets. I came back again to my mom’s place. Finally, I stayed here and delivered a baby boy who is alhamdullilah normal. He took me back by saying that he would take care of my baby boy. But again the same happened: he didn’t talk to me at all, and did nothing for my baby. We were not having any sexual relationship. I am at my mom’s house again who provides for me and my child. My husband completely ignores us. But my parents and brother are forcing me to go back to him. Please help me what I should do.

Answer

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
25 October, 2017

In this counseling answer:

“You have every right to get out of this loveless marriage where you have treated abominably! Please do. You have a son who needs to be raised in a healthy and Muslim environment. His father seems like a horrible person and a horrible role-model.”

As-Salaamu ’Alaikum dear sister in Islam,

Your situation is horribly painful, and I am very sorry for you that you have been suffering so much. I hope that your suffering can soon be relieved. Feel comforted in the fact that Allah loves the most those who He tests the most. So, maybe you are a very good friend of Allah’s! In Sha’ Allah.

First, the most important thing to have to say is that the moment your husband committed adultery (and started abusing you), you had every right to divorce him.

“Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.” ( 24:3)

Thus, if your family is ordering you to return to him, they are making a mistake, Islamically.

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Next, Allah says that marriage is for love and mercy:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)

You have every right to get out of this loveless marriage where you have treated abominably! Please do. You have a son who needs to be raised in a healthy and Muslim environment. His father seems like a horrible person and a horrible role-model. He is not in any way going to teach his son how to get to Jannah or help him get there, except through suffering test after test or loss of the things he needs to help him along in life.

Lastly, I think you should seek counseling for two reasons. One, you have allowed someone to hurt you unbelievably, and you may have a problem with your own self-respect that needs to be addressed. Two, because of the level of suffering which you have described, you need to get some support feeling and learning self-respect and self-love. When people treat us badly, sometimes we internalize their value system and think we deserve to be treated badly. I am worried that you may feel this way.

From what I can tell, you have been loyal to Allah by trying to do the right thing by your husband and marriage and child throughout this horrible situation, so you don’t deserve to be condemning yourself in any way but the opposite – you need to have self-respect.

Also, I am very concerned that your family told you to return to him. This is not okay. They need to feel your pain and feel protective about you, not put you and your son back in a situation which gives you none of your rights, materially or emotionally. They know he is supposed to take care of you, materially and emotionally, so please appeal to them on this level to show them that they need to protect you and not send you back.

May Allah make it easy for you!

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery.For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.