I don’t work…asking for money for basic stuff is a problem. Yet he is able to provide…kindly advise…at times I feel very lonely in my marriage. He is constantly with his mum and at times I feel she also adds fitnah in our marriage.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You do not need to endure your husband’s abuse, sister. The Prophet Muhammad has never abused his wives.
- Alhamdulillah, because it seems you have a very supportive family that stands by your side.
- Your mahrams are your protectors when the husband has failed to be the one, so you can seek help from them.
- We need to believe that Allah wants what’s best for us. Thus, if we change our situation, He will be there for us and not let us down.
Salam alaikom dear sister,
Thank you for writing to me. It is heartbreaking to read your message. May Allah make things easy for you.
I am not aware of what options you have as a wife with 4 children in your country, but what I can see is that your current situation hurts you (and surely your kids too), and it should not continue like this any longer.
Sister, this is not normal behavior for a husband and should not be tolerated.
There is no place for patience here; you need to do something about the situation.
You Need to Do Something
He promised you before he would change; he promised this even to your family, who stood up for you at the time he abused you, yet he has not changed.
He cannot restrict you from seeing your family.
The Prophet said:
“The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should serve his guest generously; and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should unite the bond of kinship (i.e. keep good relation with his kith and kin); and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should talk what is good or keep quiet.” (Bukhari)
He also said:
“The Prophet (ﷺ) said: There is no sin more fitted to have punishment meted out by Allah to its perpetrator in advance in this world along with what He stores up for him in the next world than oppression and severing ties of relationship.” (Abu Dawud)
You Are Not Alone
You are not alone, sister; there are thousands of women who have been through the same thing you have. Many of them had to stand up alone.
You are in a very lucky situation, sister, alhamdulillah, because it seems you have a very supportive family that stands by your side. It is such a big relief and could encourage you to take your first step.
You do not need to endure your husband’s abuse, sister. The Prophet Muhammad has never abused his wives. In fact, he said:
“The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family.” (Sunan Tirmidhi)
Sister, you need a safe place first and foremost. Is it possible for you to visit your family for at least a few weeks?
Be under their protection; you need a clear mind to think about your future, not a depressed one.
Recharge yourself, and accept the help they offer you. You are in real need of it right now.
Involve Someone
Secondly, is there anyone who could talk to your husband?
Your dad, your brother, your uncle if there are not present, any of your mahrams?
They are your protectors when the husband has failed to be the one, so you can seek help from them. Let them talk men to men that what he has been doing to you is really wrong.
Maybe if you stay with your family so he doesn’t see his kids and you every day, and also if your father or brother talks to him seriously about his behavior, he’ll change.
But he must prove it this time that he is able to be fully responsible for you and the children.
Questions to Reflect Upon
Please have some calm moments with yourself and think about it: what would make you feel happy? What do you need in a marriage? What must happen from his side so that you can trust him again and go back to him?
Do you really want to live with such a man for the rest of your life and make your children see such a father’s example? Remember that this affects your children, as parents are the primary teachers of children.
Do you want your sons to become like their father? DO you want your daughters to potentially marry a man who is like their father later on?
Abuse should not be tolerated. I know you must be really scared right now, sister, depressed, and confused about what to do.
It is a really, really hard situation you are in with 4 children. I feel for you with all my heart.
It’s a big decision, and the stability we’ve grown accustomed to—even if it’s abusive—is often more comfortable to maintain than changing and facing the unknown.
Allah Is Your Real Protector
But please remember that we only depend on Allah. He is our Ultimate Protector. Neither our family nor our husband can support us the way Allah does.
We need to believe that He wants what’s best for us. Thus, if we change our situation, He will be there for us and not let us down.
Make lots of duas to Allah, asking that He find you the way out.
Either your husband changes and realizes his mistakes, or you get the courage to divorce, move on, and find a husband who appreciates you.
Connect with Him, pray, do good deeds, and turn to Him with all your fears and worries. He is the only one who can truly help, inshallah.
Seek Support and Take Care of Yourself
Please, please, sister, seek help from your family. Also connect with other sisters, maybe online, who have also lived through and survived an abusive relationship.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. You need to recharge yourself for your own sake and for the kids’ sake.
Do things you enjoy; socialize with your friends and other moms; spend quality time with your kids and family; learn something new; have a hobby.
May Allah help you,
More from Aya Timea:
- My Mother Doesn’t Care About Me at All!
- Abusive Household: I Need Peace in My Life
- Abusive Quran School: My Mom is Pushing Me to Become a Hafiza
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