Q Assalamualikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu. I am in need of some guidance around my relationship with my mother. We share a rather formal relationship and have never been very close. My mother has narcissistic traits which I find very difficult to deal with, and often I get upset. I cannot be right about anything no matter the situation, my opinion cannot be valid no matter my experience, my existence cannot be important no matter my age. Historically she makes degrading jokes about me to others, she speaks to me in a very degrading manner in front of my husband and she will make a joke to others of things I have tried doing to please her.

I do my best to avoid speaking with her about issues that arise as it always ends in her being upset and leading to an argument. In cases where I have brought an issue up, and I’ll say what happened was wrong, my mother will start saying she is an evil, horrible, animal who’s always wrong, words I have not said. Naturally I feel guilty and leave things be until again something else happens and the same cycle is repeated.

No matter how calmly or how respectfully I bring up an issue, it will be twisted into something else. It’s tiring being unable to speak on topics that are necessary because of the fear of repercussions and fear of Allah being upset with me. My mother doesn’t see being wrong or making a mistake as part of her being human, she sees it as some major defect that isn’t possible. Usually issues build up to a point where the trust is non-existent, and the frustration reaches a peak.

I am aware of the rights my mother has over me as ordained by Allah and I try my best to fulfill them, although I falter at times and make mistakes as all humans do. I am also aware the only way I will be able to truly fulfill those rights towards my mother is if I lose my existence by being an extension of my mother and not an individual being. My question is what should I do in this situation to make things easy on my mother and myself? How can I improve the relationship?