Muslim women are gifted/having special value in the Quran. So why does Allah seem to hate me? Why has Allah given me a guilty life? I can't live happily with my husband. I was a lesbian, but I changed to be a normal person due to fear of Allah. I sometimes feel very stressed and can't expose my problems to others. I am dying inside.
My marriage was a real gift from Allah, Alhamdulillah, but black magic entered our life and is destroying the relationship between us. Does Allah really hate us? I cannot move on happily with my life. Now my husband is jobless because of that black magic. I don’t know why Allah created me if He hates me. Child abuse, being a lesbian, black magic on my family; I am facing every kind of problem in my life. I am not even pregnant yet. If Allah likes me, He won't let these happen in my life. Is Allah able to know my feelings? Please guide me!
In this counseling answer:
• While being raped repeatedly took part of your innocence of childhood away, I would like you to revisit that child in memory. Visualize her, hug her, comfort her, and tell her it was NOT her fault. Tell her that she is loved and cherished.
• I ask that in sha’ Allah you also join a support group for Adult Survivors of Childhood Rape.
• Make du’aa’ sister, as Allah hears you. He is the best of healers.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
I am so sorry to hear that you were raped many times as a child. That is a horrendous, heinous act of violence that no child or person should ever have to go through. I am so sorry sister that it happened to you. I understand, as you stated, you did not tell your parents, but I am wondering why? While I am not sure which country you live in, or what safety measures were in place at the time, possibly your parents might have been able to stop the other rape attacks if you would have said something. But, as a child, children are often fearful to tell and are often threatened by their rapist not to tell. Getting raped is a VERY traumatic, violent event. Sadly, it is common. Worldwide, 1 in 10 girls get raped, that’s 120 million total. So dear sister, it is not that Allah hates you; He loves you dearly. It’s just that there are wicked and sick people in this world who commit heinous acts of violence.
As you did not tell anyone of the rapes, you probably were not treated for the severe mental and emotional outcomes that some rape survivors experience. There are multiple symptoms and disorders that can arise from being raped as a child. Please see this link for a full list. PTSD is 3x greater in children who were raped compared to children who were not raped; flashbacks, problems with intimacy, trust issues, guilt, shame, panic, anxiety, and depression are but a few of the ramifications of such a brutal act(s) if left untreated.
Sister, I understand that you are going through a lot of pain right now as well as spiritual questions. Being raped as a child can lead one into other behaviors that if not raped, the person (now a teen or young adult) would never have engaged in otherwise. Some drink or do drugs to dull the pain; some, like yourself, find relationships they view as “safe” such as your Lesbian lifestyle years ago.
Sister, these are outcomes from being severely abused/raped. As Allah is the most merciful sister, He knows your pain and your heart. He is most forgiving and loves to forgive. So please, rest assured that Allah loves you very much and knows your mental status when you did things that were haram out of pain and confusion. While being raped repeatedly took part of your innocence of childhood away, I would like you to revisit that child in memory. Visualize her, hug her, comfort her, and tell her it was NOT her fault. Tell her that she is loved and cherished. It may take some time sister before you can do this, but I would like you to begin to heal your inner child nonetheless.
Check out this counseling video:
Also, “Allah has given you many parts – he gave you the physical, the emotional and the spiritual. The person who did this to you was able to harm the physical and emotional, but he could not touch the spiritual. That part can only be touched by you (because you are you and it is part of you) and by Allah, who holds the only secret and access to your spirit. This part of you was never touched and remains pure, and this part of you is stronger and has the ability to heal the other parts. The Qur’an says,
“They ask thee concerning the spirit. Say The spirit cometh by command of my Lord: of Knowledge it is only a little that is communicated to you, (O men!).” (Qur’an 17:85)
Thus, your journey of healing begins dear sister. In addition to understanding that your ruh can never be touched and can thus heal the other parts of you, I would like you to engage in counseling, preferably with a therapist who works with Survivors of Childhood Rape. As I do not know where you live, I cannot provide resources, but please, ask your family doctor or look online for a reputable therapist.
Additionally, I ask that in sha’ Allah you also join a support group for Adult Survivors of Childhood Rape. Again, ask your therapist for a referral or look on the internet. You will find much support there from other women who have experienced brutal rape as a child. Sister, once you begin to heal from your trauma, you will begin to notice a positive change in your life. You will be happier, you won’t feel as burdened down and depressed, in sha’ Allah. But please, take these first brave steps by getting a counselor and joining a support group. It will make a big difference in your life in sha’ Allah.
Unfortunately, bad things happen in our lives, through no fault of our own. It usually is NOT black magic, and Allah does NOT hate us; it is just that this is the life and sadly we live amongst others who can harm us as humans have free-will-choices. Allah (SWT) however, is Al Muntaqim; His revenge for wrongdoers is in the Hereafter. We must hold on to Allah( SWT) during these trials in life and know that He loves us. Please see the links below about dealing with trials in our lives.
Make du’aa’ sister, as Allah hears you. He is the best of healers. Your love for Allah is evident as well in your concern if He loves you. Hold on to that love; it is precious and lifesaving. You are an alive sister. You are young, beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you. In time, in sha’ Allah, your husband will find work (a lot of men are out of work these days as the economy is bad), you will begin your healing journey, and when the time is right, you will be blessed with a beautiful baby in sha’ Allah. But have faith and trust in Allah; He will bless you beyond what you could ever imagine.
Please let us know how you are doing dear sister. You are in our prayers.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.