Devastated: He Texted, ‘I Can’t Be with You, I’m Sorry’

07 September, 2020
Q I have been married to my husband for nearly 5 years. It was an arranged/love marriage. He was the closest and dearest to me, but his anger was uncontrollable. Every argument we had was petty and his mother would always get involved and take his side even though in many cases he was wrong.

Even after, we still loved each other, we went through 3 miscarriages, I had suffered a lot! Mentally, emotionally, physically... it was too much. I didn't want to try again but 3 and half years into our marriage I became pregnant yet again. Alhamdulillah we became parents to a beautiful baby boy.

But I sensed him becoming distanced, I thought maybe its hard for him to connect with his child. A month after giving birth, he said he didn't feel the same about me as he used to. Although up until my labor he was glued to me and even during my labor. But I still tried to make this marriage work, I love him.

My son was 8 months old. After constant arguing for no reason, and his whole family blaming me, I decided to leave. After a couple of weeks his parents told him to bring me back.

We were back to normal, having normal husband and wife relations. He booked a holiday for our son's first birthday. But a couple of days before our departure, I received a text from him ‘I can't be with you, I'm sorry’. I was traumatized. My family came to take me home as his family can't even speak to him to tell him what he’s doing is wrong. I’ve been at my parents house for 6 months.

Now we found out he was cheating on me since my son was born, so it all added up. It all came out, the woman herself said his cousin helped him get into a relationship with her. She also told me she's taken herself out of this situation as she wants my marriage to work not only for us but for our son.

I still love my husband. He was my best friend. He was never like this so it was a big shock for me. But when it all came out, he said he still doesn't want to be with me, and when his family asked him for a reason, he says ‘I don't know’.

His parents don't have a proper relationship with him. Neither do his siblings so there is no-one to tell him off or even ask him why. My parents have had enough and said to be ready for a divorce. But I don't want a divorce. I love him, through all his flaws and wrongdoings. We have a son. I'm not perfect. I’ve made mistakes... but none of them compared to him cheating on me.

He has a-lot of bad influences. His cousins who all knew he was cheating on me and never stopped him. His parents don't want him to end it so they’re waiting for us to resolve this matter within ourselves. But he doesn't want to even communicate with me.

I pray day and night, for Allah (swt) to change his heart. We were once upon a time so in love, we were inseparable. I do believe we have had an evil eye on us as many were shocked that I had said yes to him.

Do I give up? Do I let go? Do I try and talk to him? I’m lost.

Answer


In this counseling session:

I’d recommend Personal counseling for both of you.

Consider marriage counseling if he is willing to try and heal the marriage.

Accept that you cannot force someone to stay in a marriage they do not want.

Think about your own happiness, identify your top 3 goals that would make you happier.

Lean on your social support network as you navigate all of this.

Identify positive coping skills to help you during difficult moments.

Always turn to prayer and making duaa as a source of strength and comfort.


Assalamu alaikum,

 Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your struggles with us. It is my understanding you have been married for 5 years, endured multiple miscarriages, conceived a healthy baby boy recently alhamdulillah.

Then you were abandoned by your husband and discovered he was committing adultery. I also understand you are willing to forgive this indiscretion and work on healing your marriage, but your husband does not want to move further in the relationship. 

My dear Sister, to begin with, no one is to blame here. Please do not internalize any of this and think your initial act of leaving caused this later reaction or that any of this could have been avoided. Both of you endured a lot of heartaches, but alhamdulillah a beautiful healthy son came from that!  It is possible your husband left and sought out another woman because this marriage reminds him of the pain of the miscarriages which he has not yet faced.

We cannot determine if that is the case without asking him, but it is a likely scenario. His actions are likely about him seeking emotional comfort and support from a source that did not remind him of the emotional hardships he needed to face. It had nothing to do with you, it was a maladaptive coping skill that allowed him to ignore his pain temporarily. 

Counseling

Sister, he needs counseling to work through that great emotional trauma and it would also benefit you. Whether or not this marriage can be healed, both of you should consider counseling to work through all the heartache and hardship over the past 5 years. 

Devastated:  He Texted, ‘I Can't Be with You, I'm Sorry’ - About Islam

If your husband wants to consider healing the marriage, I encourage both of you to engage in couples counseling. You have endured a lot of pain with the miscarriages, leaving one another and the adultery. All of that on top of an 8-month-old baby is incredibly stressful and difficult for anyone to cope with. 

His Happiness

Sister, I must be honest with you. As difficult as this is to hear, if he does not want to heal the marriage and says he is done then you cannot force him to stay married to you. You mention living with your parents for 6 months. That is a long separation. If he has not changed his mind up until now it is doubtful, he will change it now.

I am not saying it is impossible, it is possible, but he has a right to make the decision that will give him happiness. If he truly does not want to move forward with the marriage and has firmly decided it is over, then I strongly encourage you to accept his decision and begin moving forward. No one has the right to tell someone else they cannot leave a marriage. 

Your Happiness

I want you think about something. Do you want to be with someone who loves you and fights for your love, or someone who says they do not want you? Even the most loving of marriages sometimes fail, love is not enough to sustain two people.

You deserve happiness just as much as he does. If he is not willing to work on your marital issue and seek a happier life together then why would you want a man like that? 

I want you to try an exercise, Sister. Get out a piece of paper and think about the things that would make you the happiest, aside from him. Write down what comes to mind, do not hold back. Once you have this list, read over it and circle your top 3 which you feel will bring you the most joy.

Then on another sheet of paper list each of those at the top like a column. Under each heading write down the steps you need to take in order to achieve those. For example, you may have “help my son achieve developmental milestones” as one column and you can put down steps under that such as “work on physical mobility” and “read daily to him”.

Another column may say “get a degree in X” and under that, you list “take entrance exams for X college” and “study X topic”. When we take our internal dreams and goals and put them down on paper it can make it more real for us. 


Check out this counseling video:


If you Divorce

Sister, if he does not want to work on fixing the marriage and divorce is the next step then please take some comfort in knowing it does get easier and YOU WILL HEAL. In the event of a divorce, I strongly encourage you to not seek out another marriage until you are fully healed from the past.

Focus on your own self-development, self-care and taking care of your child. Also bear in mind, you will need to agree to visitation terms with the Father and his family.  Your child will be happiest to have all of you in their life in a healthy way. Visitations are not about the issues you and the Father have, it is about the child and what is best for them. 

Social Support Network

It is great to hear your parents are supportive of you and helping you during this time. They are a strong part of your social support network, which can help you as you navigate healing.

Try to identify your most trusted family and friends that you can rely on and go to in times of needs. People you can vent with, be vulnerable, and speak openly. They can help increase your strength and give you motivation during difficult moments. 

Coping Skills

Some moments will be harder than others, during exceptionally difficult moments I encourage you to utilize positive coping skills. These are activities that allow you to manage your emotions effectively in a therapeutic way and avoid negative coping skills. Here are some positive coping skills you may take from, but please think of what works for you as an individual and do not limit yourself. 

  • Nature walks
  • Exercise
  • Playing with the baby
  • Dhikr
  • Listening to Quran recitation
  • Cooking
  • Artwork
  • Petting animals
  • Speaking with friends
  • Listening to music
  • Dancing
  • Taking a hot bath 

Final Thoughts

Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward. 

  • Personal counseling for both of you, consider marriage counseling if he is willing to try and heal the marriage
  • Accept that you cannot force someone to stay in a marriage they do not want
  • Think about your own happiness, identify your top 3 goals that would make you happier
  • Lean on your social support network as you navigate all of this
  • Identify positive coping skills to help you during difficult moments
  • Always turn to prayer and making duaa as a source of strength and comfort

My dear Sister, I know you endured a lot of heartaches and the current situation is difficult. You can heal from all of this and move forward. May Allah (swt) heal both of you, protect your baby boy and guide your next steps forward, ameen. 

Salam,

***

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About Monique Hassan
Monique Hassan graduated with honors in 2012 with her BSc in Psychology and a minor in Biology and is certified in Crisis Prevention and Intervention. She has years of professional as well as personal experience with trauma, relationship struggles, substance abuse, identifying coping skills, conflict resolution, community outreach, and overall mental health concerns. She is a professional writer specialized in Islamic Psychology and Behavioral Health. She is also a revert who took her shahada in 2015, Alhamdulillah. You can contact Sister Monique Hassan via her website "MoniqueHassan.com"