First of all, thank you for providing this great service that I think all Muslims can benefit from. I have a problem in my marriage that I cannot solve. I married the love of my life. We were married for five years and had a beautiful son. We were more than husband and wife; we were best friends. We were young and in love and we had such a great life together.
Three years ago, he passed away. I thought I would never get over the grief, but I knew I had to go on living for my son’s sake. I continued my education and got a job. Everyone encouraged me to get remarried, but I was not ready for it until last summer.
A very nice and pious brother who is educated and sincere proposed to me. I accepted. We have been married for almost a year now, and he treats me well and, most importantly, he treats my son as his own. What is the problem then?
The problem is that I cannot get past my love for my first husband. I do not think I can ever love anyone that way ever again. He was perfect for me in every way. I know this sounds very superficial but I cannot help it, my first husband was extremely good looking, athletic, and had a great physique. My second husband is a kind and decent man, but he is much older than me and—I feel bad saying this—he is not as attractive as my first husband.
My husband is such a good person; shouldn’t this be enough for me? It is not! I am so ashamed to admit it, but when I am intimate with my husband I close my eyes and imagine it is my first husband. I cannot even climax when I am with my husband, unless I imagine that he is my first husband. I know this may sound very disgusting, but my current husband does not, how shall I say this delicately, measure up to my first husband.
I feel so shallow! I know looks do not matter, but it was not just his looks; we had a very deep connection. We clicked emotionally and sexually. I do not feel that passion with my current husband and I keep asking myself why. He is a good person and we have fun together, just not in the bedroom.
I feel like I am cheating him. He deserves a wife that can be there for him fully, but thoughts of my first husband are always in my mind. When I wake up, the first thing I think about is him; when I go to bed, I dream about him. Whenever I look at my son, I see him. I am even putting off having children with my current husband because I feel like I cannot have any children from another man.
I feel so bad for doing this to my husband who wants more children. I have not discussed this with him at all. I do not want him to feel bad after everything he has done for me. It is my problem and I do not want to hurt him. What can I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Dealing with the death of one’s spouse, especially at a young age, is a traumatic and difficult experience.
- Your husband has a right over you, no matter how wonderful your former husband was.
- Having children with your current husband could help you to keep things in perspective and not keep living in the past.
- Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah (saw) for your late husband, your current husband, and your family in general.
As-Salamu `Alaikum,
Thank you for writing to us. We understand how difficult the current situation is for you, but we assure you that, in sha’ Allah, with some effort on your part and complete trust in Allah (swt), you will address the situation to your satisfaction. Congratulations on your recent marriage!
Spouse death
First, what you have been experiencing is normal, and you should not feel ashamed at all.
Dealing with the death of one’s spouse, especially at a young age, is a traumatic and difficult experience.
You loved your former husband a great deal and, as you said, you “clicked emotionally and sexually.”
There is nothing wrong or abnormal with cherishing the memories of one’s former spouse. But as we will point out later, it cannot ever be at the expense of neglecting or hurting one’s current spouse.
The Prophet memories about his wife
We have in the life of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) a beautiful example of how even after the death of Khadijah (ra) he spoke highly of her and cherished the memories of her, so much so that his wife ‘A’ishah (ra) once complained,
“I was not jealous of any other wife of the Prophet as I was jealous of Khadijah, because of his constant mentioning of her and because God had commanded him to give her good tidings of a mansion in Paradise of precious stones. And whenever he sacrificed a sheep he would send a fair portion of it to those who had been her intimate friends. Many a time I said to him it is as if there had never been any other woman in the world except Khadijah.” (Tirmidhi)
In another instance, ‘A’ishah referred to Khadijah as “an old Quraysh woman.” (Bukhari) The Prophet (saw) was hurt and defended Khadijah saying, “She was the wife who believed in me when others rejected me.
When people gave me the lie, she affirmed my truthfulness. When I stood forsaken, she spent her wealth to lighten the burden of my sorrow.”
The Prophet Muhammad (saw), however, did go on to marry other women and was uniquely fair in his treatment of all of them.
Check out this counseling video:
Husband’s right
Second, you must remember now that you are married, your husband has a right over you, no matter how wonderful your former husband was.
While no one but Allah (swt) has knowledge of your thoughts, you should take precautions never to become so engrossed in the memories of your former husband that you hurt your current husband.
He might not have similar qualities as those of your former husband, but he deserves your love, caring, and understanding.
He might be much older than your former husband, but you knew that before you married him and so this cannot be held against him now.
Intimacy
In addition, while you could not have known what intimate relations would be like with your current husband, we suggest that you come to terms with what you have now and not live entirely in the past.
How hurt would you be if you found out that your current husband thinks of another woman when he has relations with you? You must agree that it would be quite hurtful.
Just as you appreciated the qualities your former husband possessed, you must now bring yourself to appreciate the qualities your current husband possesses. Appreciate him for who he is and do not always compare him to your late husband.
Move on
Third, with specific issues such as having children, you need to realize that having children with your current husband could help you to keep things in perspective and not keep living in the past.
Your son with your first husband will, in sha’ Allah, always be a reminder to you of his late father.
Any children you have with your current husband will help you to move on with your life.
Having more children will not take away from or negate any of the beautiful qualities that your former husband possessed.
Perhaps Allah Most High will grant you the capacity to love both your son from your first husband and any children you have with your current husband. Make du`aa’ to Allah (saw) to grant you that capacity to love!
Be grateful
Finally, we remind you to be grateful to Allah (saw)for everything you have now and everything you had in the past.
Your late husband sounds like he was a wonderful man, but he has passed away, and now Allah (saw)has blessed you with a new husband, ma sha’ Allah!
Make the most of your new married life, in sha’ Allah. Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah (saw) for your late husband, your current husband, and your family in general.
You have been through quite a lot but, in sha’ Allah, with enough du`aa’ and continued effort, you will be blessed with a family that is dear to you in all aspects! Amen.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.