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Each of Us Got Married, He Died; I Still Miss Him

17 November, 2022
Q As-Salamu `Alaikum. Over 10 years ago, I wanted to marry a man whom my parents did not approve of. The man was of good character and Muslim; however, my family had issues with him being from another caste. This brother and I decided that it would be best if we listened to our parents and parted.I was very quickly wedded to a man of my parents’ choice. My husband is a very good man, Alhamdulillah, a good father, and husband. The man I originally wanted to marry married and only a year after his wedding, he passed away (may Allah forgive his soul and bless him with Jannah, Ameen).It’s now many years since his death, and I continue in this world trying to live a life as normal as possible, but I find there are days and weeks when I miss him a great deal. I get very stressed out and emotional. I sometimes think maybe Allah made it easy for my marriage as he passed away and I was able to continue with married life; however, I'm always wondering if there will ever be a chance that we are reunited in the Hereafter. If I make it to Jannah, will there be a chance I could be with him? Am I sinning just by thinking of him? Any advice on what I can do?

Answer

 

Answer:

Wa `Alaikum As-Salaam dear sister,

Thank you for your question. You sound like a very self-sacrificing individual.

It also seems that you are not bogged down by the past and are able to see the positives in every situation.

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It is truly unfortunate that your parents said no to a suitable person, whom you loved simply because of caste.

As I’m sure you are aware, issues around caste or class are culturally formed and have no place in Islamic tradition.

However, as you recognize, they are living realities for people. I feel it was very noble of you to listen to your parents despite not agreeing with them.

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I am sure, without a doubt that you will be rewarded many times over for such a huge sacrifice.

You are also blessed to have a husband who is a good father and husband.

It seems that you do not hold any resentment in your heart for anyone and are able to accept your past and your present.

You are correct that perhaps you and him were not destined to be as his life was shorter than yours.

It could be that you would have been unable to bear such a trial had you been married to him.

I cannot answer whether you will be united with him in the next world.

I also cannot answer your question if you are “sinning” by thinking about him.

From a counselor perspective and not an Islamic one, I do not see any major problem with you thinking about him.

It is my understanding that you do not sit there and actively think about him.

It seems that his thought crosses your mind, and you are again brought face-to-face with your emotions of not being able to be with the one you loved and the grief over his death. I think these feelings are very normal.

I guess it could become problematic if you were starting to feel depressed about your past and struggling with that.

Or if you were thinking about him when having intimate relations with your husband as that would impact your marriage.

However, if you feel that you are living your life as best as can be but often feel sad at what has happened, then I feel this is very human and not much can be done.

Time does heal, and as you grow and your children grow, you will form stronger memories there and his memory may fade.

I do not think that you will ever forget him, but the key is to move on and live with your feelings of loss.

Greif is real, and most people go through a variety of emotions while they grieve.

This may be disbelief, anger, sadness, contemplation, and eventual acceptance of your situation.

It seems that you accept your situation, but often feel sad. It sounds like you are doing fine.

If you feel it will help, pray for him and ask Allah to do what is best for all people involved.

May your heart find peace.

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About Attia Zaidi
Attia Zaidi is a writer, educator, social worker and mother. She has worked with the GTA’s Muslim community for over 15 years in various capacities. Currently, Attia runs a small private practice offering therapy for Muslim families.