Answer
Salam Alaikum Brother,
Thank you for sharing your dilemmas with us. I am sure it was not easy to get honest with yourself and write this message down. But honesty is where healing and the true understanding start, and I really appreciate your honesty, brother and look up to you for that.
I do not know your full story, the environment you live in, or the Islamic education you have received, therefore I would like you to take my words mainly as an invitation to reflect upon. We counselors only raise certain questions that you need to sit with them in silence and deeply think about, because it is only you who knows what is going on inside you and what you need to do in your situation. Silence – or cave mode as I like to call it – is going to be the true solution for your dilemma, inshallah.
So, what I understand from your message is that you struggle with two things:
· feeling attracted to “pious and practicing” Christian women that makes you think whether it is a sign that you should become a Christian.
· questioning Islam and your faith.
Models of Practicing Muslim Women Around
The “pious and practicing” words caught my attention and makes me wonder what type of Muslims surround you currently. Are you coming from a practicing family? How about your friends? Do you see women around you that are practicing Islam in a way you imagine your future wife practice Islam? Because what I hear from your words as if the Muslims around you would not be that practicing ones, not in a way at least you understand piety.
I understand from your words that you are a man who is indeed close to Allah. Someone who finds it important to live life according to God’s guidance. This is why “pious and practicing” Christian women might attract you, who are by the way, especially in regards to moral issues, are very close to Muslims.
This similarity might be also the reason Muslim men are allowed to merry pious Christian and Jewish women. So if you desire it, you are allowed to marry from among these Christian women. But you need to ask yourself: what exactly makes you feel attracted to them, and how does your attracted is related to questioning Islam?
Attraction to Morals, Not to Theology
The biggest difference between Islam and Christians is theological, and with this, I would look at your questioning Islam and your faith apart from your attracting to Christian women.
The questions here are whether you can accept ideas such as the Trinity, Jesus being the son of God instead of a highly important prophet of God, his intercession to the believers, his death on the cross, and also whether you can deny with your heart that Prophet Muhammad was a Prophet and that the Quran is a preserved, ultimate guide to humankind.
Only you know the answers, but I feel your attraction to Christian women is mainly to their piety and morals of these women and not their religion. Perhaps your perception of Muslim women around you is that they are not pious, they do not behave according to Allah’s guidance and therefore you do not feel the attraction toward them. This can happen as just because someone calls him or herself Muslim does not mean they are practicing Muslims.
I also find myself in situations when I find common ground more with Christians or other people than certain Muslims. But I would not become a Christian or a Buddhist for this, because faith is based on a religion’s teachings and not its followers.
Some Muslims are more practicing, some are less. And we always change: you never know how Allah guides hearts: a non-practicing Muslim lady can become a practicing Muslim, or a practicing Christian leaves God all together and becomes an atheist.
So, What Does “Practicing” Mean to You?
It would be very important that you pinpoint (possibly make a list) about what features you like in these Christian women, what does “pious and practicing” mean to you, and what are the values that you simply cannot imagine your marriage without them. This can be a good preparation for you as well for marriage because it is essential that we are aware of those usually not more than 4-5 core criterias – “core values”- that you search to find when meeting potential wives – even if you do among Muslim or Christian ladies.
Questioning Islam
Questioning Islam for me is also a sign of a sincere man who is searching for the truth. Often Muslims are wrongly taught to not ask questions just believe in the Quran and the hadeeth, but as a convert Muslim myself, I confidentially say this is not the way true faith is planted in the heart.
Even the Quran supports this by the fact that its first word was “Read”. But also remember how many ayas are inviting the reader to think, reflect, ponder upon things they see. So definitely questions have an important role in Islam to obtain true faith.
True faith comes with asking questions and finding answers for them that creates peace in the heart. There are things Allah has explicitly said in the Quran that He sealed from us, but also it often happens that the person is not yet ready to fully receive a certain teaching.
So, I first and foremost invite you to study first Islam, your religion, your background before learning in depth about other religions and comparing it to Islam. How to decide whether something is true or not if you don’t even know one basis – your own religion?
I recommend that you choose a platform, or seek help in your local mosque. Collect all your questions and dilemmas and sit down with someone who is truly knowledgeable to answer them. Visit the mosque, try to see and connect with pious and practicing Muslims as well.
You can also take one question at a time and make a massive research only on authentic websites. You can send your questions to our Ask About Islam section, or look around the sections’ previous answers (use the search option).
I highly recommend you listen to the tafseer lectures of Surah Al-Baqarah of the first 5 ayas (including Elif/Lam/mem), especially from Nouman Ali Khan. In Sha Allah this will help you clarify what true guidance means, and what is the attitude that we need to take in general to become critical thinkers. You will love it inshallah!
In silence true answers arrive, so I highly recommend that you try spending time in prayer or dua, looking deep into yourself (even with a journal so you can write down anything that comes up), asking God to clarify for you your feelings and thoughts.
You are on the right path brother. Everyone at certain ages arrives to the point when they question even the basic beliefs of themselves. You are not alone, it is normal, especially at your age. Just do not rush into anything, take the time and think.
May Allah help and guide you!
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