Answer
Answer:
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
To address your issues regarding your husband’s substance abuse, it is important to recognize this healing will require two phases.
Phase I: Rebuilding Trust
In order to rebuild trust, we must trust! It sounds like your husband has not been able to achieve this with you yet based on what you said, “I have given him more than one chance, but he has ruined my trust for him.”
This will not be easy, yet is attainable with time and sincere effort from both of you! It did not work before because your husband must truly believe this is an issue and want to do it for himself not just you. The first wall of an addict is denial. Denying there is an actual problem will not allow a person to acknowledge the reality of their addiction.
You asked, “Can I ever trust him again even if he gets better?” The answer is yes! If you two are able to move forward with specific actions items that will provide constant reassurance and security, then you can purge all dishonesty and doubt. Once you can have a good streak of consistent trustworthiness, your most recent memories and experiences will not be of dishonesty and betrayal but rather security and honesty.
Some examples of this include him doing drug tests, keeping transparency around his whereabouts, and how money is being spent. If you observe him acting “off”, you can ask him questions and he must be willing to answer without being defensive – especially if he has nothing to hide.
Phase II: Substance Abuse Counseling
In order for your husband to really prove to you he must take serious actions that demonstrate his dedication to healing. I would recommend he joins a 12 step program in your area or see a substance abuse counselor for professional support that helps with overcoming addiction. It is unlikely that he can do it on his own despite what he believes. If that was the case, then he would have already!
I would also recommend you use this website for helpful resources and tips.
It is important to recognize that this will take time and patience by both of you. You should not “throw his addiction in his face” every time you get upset with him because this will likely lead to him using it again. Remember, addicts use their drug of choice in order to escape reality and experience pleasure and false joy in place of their actual reality. Often times, there is a deeper wound (or wounds) that needs to be healed, and the drug of choice is the crutch that has been used over the years to cope with whatever it is they need to escape or avoid. This knowledge and awareness is essential for your healing phase together because if the root causes for the addiction is not mended, then it may arise again in the future.
Common wounds that people have as addicts are lack of fulfillment and purpose in life, feeling inadequate, stressed, anxious or sad about their current affairs. I would recommend both of you to try discovering this together – optimally with a counselor – by asking yourselves, “What is it in our life that causes you to need to escape and find pleasure outside of one’s self?” “What pain or discomfort are you trying to avoid and escape from?”
Remember, the more one tries to avoid dealing with the wounds, the longer they will damage one’s soul. Escaping the confrontation and radical honesty with one’s self will not change the actual reality of the wound.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for both of you to do what is best!
Amin,
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