I ignored everything and tried to be ok but from time to time everything was getting worse.
The whole time of the marriage he didn’t work. He doesn’t even try to get a job, always being lazy. He wasn’t taking my financial responsibility. Slowly he started asking me for money, emotionally blackmailing me for money.
And I fell for it because his mum and siblings weren't treating him right. I had to put myself into debts. All of this mentally drained me, and put me into depression. I felt like I had enough so I left my husband a year ago. After some months of separation, I found out he is a drug addict. He has been on it for a long time. His family said they weren't aware of this.
I even tried living separately. I tried to get him out of this with the help of family and friends but he constantly lies, he never stops lying,keeps giving me false hope.Now I feel like I need to get out of this and ask for the divorce but my husband is not willing to give me divorce. Every time I make up my mind to get a divorce I always feel guilty about it, always all the good things he did to me come into my head.
I am trying my best to get out of this because I tried everything to save this marriage. I got nothing left unless I accept everything that he will always lie to me and I will never be happy and he will never leave drugs and live with him. I feel like I am fighting against my mind and heart and my mind saying to leave him cz the damage he done to me but my heart is saying no. And another honest thing is I strongly believe that he is a good person. If the drug wasn’t in this scenario then I would have been the happiest woman with him.
I can tell that he is very afraid to lose me and wants to get out of this mess but he is struggling.
What should I do in this situation?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You can offer support, but you cannot recover on his behalf. Beside promises, what steps has he actually taken so far?
- You should not be the only one carrying this burden. Surround yourself with people who can help you stay grounded and safe during this process.
Assalamu alaykom, dear sister,
Thank you for your letter. You explained the situation you are in with your husband — that long after marrying him, you discovered he is struggling with drug addiction.
This explains much of the unusual and troubling behavior you noticed from the beginning — lying, stealing, taking and losing money, being unable to hold a job, and neglecting his responsibilities.
You shared that although he loves you and does not want to lose you, his addiction has deeply damaged your marriage. Your heart tells you to stay, but your mind tells you to go, because his actions are destroying both the relationship and your trust.
I completely understand how painful and difficult this must be for you. You probably love him, feel compassion for him, and wish to help him get better — but ultimately, the choice to change is his.
However, even if it’s hard, he must take responsibility and commit to recovery himself. You mentioned that he wants to get out of this situation but is struggling.
Actions, Not Promises
The crucial question is: what steps has he actually taken so far? Wanting change is not enough — real action is required.
Recovery demands practical, consistent, and committed effort: seeking treatment, attending counseling or rehabilitation, staying accountable, and showing with actions (not just words) that he is serious about change.
It is important that you do not try to fix everything for him. You can offer support, but you cannot recover on his behalf. As difficult as it is, he must understand that continuing this destructive pattern risks losing his marriage and family.
He needs multifaceted professional help — addiction counseling,probably trauma-focused therapy, recovery service, and a strong support system — to find a path to recovery. You, too, need support.
You Need Help Too
You should not be the only one carrying this burden. Surround yourself with people who can help you stay grounded and safe during this process. Also, don’t be afraid of involving his family and friends and asking them to participate in supporting him.
If you choose to stay, set clear boundaries and expectations. Ask him for concrete steps and timelines — words and promises are not enough, especially if they were already given without any change. You need to see real action.
If he is unwilling or unable to take those steps, then you will have more clarity about whether staying in the marriage is healthy for you.Finally, it is okay to feel compassion, empathy, and even sorrow for his struggle — but ask yourself if you are confusing pity with love.
Real VS Ideal
A healthy marriage should be built on mutual respect and partnership, not just compassion for someone’s pain. You say, without drugs, he would be a good person. But the sad reality is, right now, he is not that person.
So make sure, you do not commit to an ideal situation that still does not exist. May Allah make this easier for you, guide you to the right decision, and grant healing to both of you.