Since the beginning of our marriage, I have known that he likes the attention of the opposite sex and he would talk to women.
I caught him few times before watching porn on the computer. He said he stopped and I couldn’t check anymore since he found out how I knew.
Years passed and he did hurt me few times with lies and other things, although he always says that he is trying to be better to pray on time and do other things.
Last night, I found out that he has been looking at pictures of naked women again. I am crushed and hurt deeply by this.
I have two kids with him and the third one is on the way. I wish I could leave him but my financial situation is not like that.
I can’t trust him, and over the years I am not even sure what I feel for him is love anymore. He hurt me a lot. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
The first step is to admit that he probably did not think about this as an issue.
It is not your fault sister; many men have this habit to watch porn even before they get married.
You should confront him about it, and he must admit that it is a problem greater than others.
You and your husband should also look deeply and measure the intimacy between you both, try to understand more of what his and your expectations are and get more educated about sexuality.
I encourage you to share with him this website. It is an anonymous online program that helps Muslims overcome sexual addictions.
You two should seek couple’s counseling to invest in the relationship.
You can either seek divorce or try to overcome the past and move forward with him.
If he can’t stop on his own, professional help will be required.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
All the praises be to Allah (swt). I am sorry to hear about your marriage, especially when you are at such a sensitive moment, waiting for a new member of your family. The issue of spouses watching pornography is one that can tear a marriage apart.
When a wife discovers that her husband is viewing pornography, she often has feelings of rage, repulsion, disappointment, and mistrust.
Other than being caught watching porn, you mentioned that he had lied to you before with “other things”, and that he talks to women and seeks their attention.
I see two different problems here: he is possibly a porn addict or he is simply not being a loyal and respectful husband. Since he has been watching porn for a while and has been caught before, he may have a porn addiction. It is a serious matter and unfortunately a disease in our Ummah.
A few signs of a porn addict are:
- Continuous denial in the face of obvious evidence and refusal to discuss the issue.
- Inability to stop viewing porn.
- Neglect of family, spouse, job, hobbies, etc.
- Loss of sexual intimacy with a mate.
- Staying up later at night to spend time on the computer.
- Computer passwords changed.
If you see those signs in your husband, it is most likely he has an addiction.
First step
The first step is to admit that he probably did not think about this as an issue. It is not your fault sister; many men have this habit to watch porn even before they get married.
You should confront him about it, and he must admit that it is a problem greater than others. If he can’t stop on his own, professional help will be required.
Keep in mind that pornography takes root in the heart of any man. It devastates you, but it might hurt him as well. You can try to develop a plan to help him avoid the temptation, but first and most important is that he cooperates and admits his problem.
Hard access
One of the suggestions I always give is using an internet filter to stop porn websites, making it harder for him to access pornography.
You and your husband should also look deeply and measure the intimacy between you both, try to understand more of what his and your expectations are and get more educated about sexuality.
I encourage you to share with him this website. It is an anonymous online program that helps Muslims overcome sexual addictions.
Check out this counseling video:
Stay or leave
Regarding your desire of leaving him, I would suggest you give it a little more time to see if he can overcome the porn issue. You two should seek couple’s counseling to invest in the relationship.
Unfortunately, pornography is an intruder in your home, and if it goes, you might be able to reestablish your marriage. Pornography is also sometimes used as a way to escape something. In couple’s counseling, you have a good chance of discovering what needs to be healed.
After going through a sincere counseling process, if you think that his character is questionable and he no longer treats you with respect, if he neglects you and your kids and any other events that keep happening which you are unable to forgive, you have two options.
You can either seek divorce or try to overcome the past and move forward with him.
Trapped
What cannot happen is for you to be trapped in a marriage only because of your financial situation. You have 3 children with him and by law, he is responsible for them. You can seek help in your local social service office and I am sure you will find support for single mothers.
In the event that you get divorced, you will be able to get financial aid through the government. I am not telling you to skip steps and divorce him; I strongly recommend that you and he try to understand why he likes porn and find out if it is an addiction or not.
Conclusion
Other than that, you must be sincere with yourself and truly believe you can save your marriage. Remember the reasons you married him in the first place.
Measure if he is a good father and if he has ever been a good husband. Perhaps he is just going through a struggle with pornography; perhaps, he is trying to escape something in himself through this addiction.
If you really struggle to stay together with him and really want to leave him, keep in mind that a divorce is also an option, and you and your children will have to adjust, but fear should not be the only reason you stay in this relationship.
Allah (swt) knows best. May He, Most High, guide you.
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