The relationship between him and my family have dissolved and I am living two lives. Every time I make a mistake I get shouted at and cussed at.
Everything boils down to it supposedly being my family's fault. I would like to explain the full story in hope that I get an answer to my issues. Any advice out there would be beneficial.
Answer
In this counseling session:
Make it clear that you will not tolerate further verbal assaults.
Communicate to your husband that you understand he is in pain right now, but he is only hurting himself more and the marriage when he takes it out on you.
Look into counseling for your husband, yourself, and both of you as a couple. This can be online or in-person.
Consider bringing the family into family counseling once you and your husband have developed a healthier dynamic.
Identify positive coping skills to reign in emotions.
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your difficult situation with us.
It is my understanding your husband lost his Father recently and he has been verbally abusing you, blaming you, cusses and at one point “went crazy”. Please understand Sister, this is emotional/verbal abuse which is just as harmful as physical abuse and should never be tolerated.
I do believe there is a reason for him lashing out, but first I need to make it clear that you DO NOT DESERVE this and need to put an end to this abusive behavior today.
Lashing Out
Please make it clear to him that this behavior has to stop and it is only hurting him in the long run as he is pushing away his wife. Let him know you refuse to take this verbal abuse anymore, he will learn a healthy way to cope with his emotions or this will end up destroying both of you.
It is up to you to decide what this looks like and the repercussions for continued verbal attacks, but make it known in a kind way. Tell him that you want to help him and understand he is in pain right now, but this is not the way to handle it. You are not his metaphorical punching bag, you are his wife.
Verbal abuse is abuse
All too often some families tolerate verbal abuse thinking it snot as detrimental as physical abuse; let me dispel that myth right now. Being screamed and cussed at all the time is just as psychologically damaging as being hit and it is a form of trauma that can lead to PTSD and ultimately destroy not only your marriage but hurt your ability to trust.
If you notice symptoms like reoccurring nightmares, feeling on edge and triggered into high emotional states quickly, increased heart rate with sweating or shaking, insomnia, depression, or a loss in activities you once enjoyed.
Please make a mental note of all of this to bring up with a counselor and/or doctor as it can possibly indicate PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Please do not delay addressing this issue.
Your Husband is Hurting
I can deduce from your question that your husband is still grieving the loss of his Father. And unfortunately, his pain is coming out as anger towards you. He isn’t actually angry at you and this isn’t about you personally. It is about him and his pain as well as the confusion between your family and him.
I strongly suggest you take your husband to professional counseling. This can be done online or in person. But in such a heater situation with a family death tacked onto family disagreements. It is difficult to tackle this on your own without a trained mediator to help both of you understand the other perspective and bridge communication.
Counseling
If you prefer, you can utilize an Islamic counselor such a Noor Human Consulting, although a secular counselor will also be helpful in this situation. Try to look for a counselor specialized in family dynamics and grief counseling.
Sit your husband down and let him know you understand he is hurting, but you are not his enemy. You two are a team, a unified force that should help the other and be a source of comfort and ease not an added pain.
“It is He who created you from one soul and created from it its mate that he might dwell in security/serenity with her….”
[Quran 7:189]
Let him know counseling is not just for him, but it is for your marriage to heal after all of this pain and to help make a happier future. You may also want to consider family counseling that involves extended family to improve communication between all of you as you mentioned some issues have risen and the family is blamed for things.
Check out this counseling video:
I would begin with counseling for the two of you before you consider bringing others into this dynamic. Inshallah regular counseling for you and your husband can help him heal, help you heal, and help the marriage come together as a more unified team that stands together and this will help heal the rest of the family as you two can present healthier communication styles.
Coping Skills
Both of you can work on identifying positive coping skills to utilize during difficult emotional moments. These help us reign in our emotions instead of them taking us over. For example, when he feels angry, he might close his eyes and take slow deep breaths counting to 4 on the inhale and the exhale. Coping skills are individualized to what works for each of us. Here are a few examples, but do not limit yourself to these ideas.
- Deep breathing
- Gardening
- Nature walks
- Quran recitation
- Dhikr
- Exercise
- Journaling
- Playing with animals
- Baking
- Listening to music
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward Sister.
- Make it clear that you will not tolerate further verbal assaults
- Communicate to your husband that you understand he is in pain right now, but he is only hurting himself more and the marriage when he takes it out on you
- Look into counseling for your husband, yourself, and both of you as a couple. This can be online or in-person
- Consider bringing the family into family counseling once you and your husband have developed a healthier dynamic
- Identify positive coping skills to reign in emotions
May Allah (swt) heal both of your hearts and guide your next steps, ameen.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.